My Love arrives home tonight after a week of trying to convince the Germans that snack foods fortified olestra are not retribution for past crimes against humanity. She's that good. However, the big news is that this is her last scheduled solo trip until autumn.
The Things are happy.
Poopy Pup's tail is a-waggin'.
I'm, I'm … I'm rapidly feeling my power slip away.
What? But you’re the man?! King of the castle! Lord of the roost! Cock of the walk!
Uh, yeah. If you want to live that delusion at least do it while envisioning me looking a lot more like a shirtless Brad Pitt, lounging about on my red velvet winged back chair, a frosty 4-to-1 Bombay Sapphire martini (up with a twist) in my hand. Now, Angelina slinks across the room. Her pregnant belly is ripe with my seed, long legs stretching out from between the slits in her silky bla- …
Whoa. Gotta stop that before her limo pulls in.
It's not that we do things much differently when My Love's not here. It's ravioli or pirogues for dinner at least once a week (My Love has some freaky mushy food gag reflex -- great at parties, I might add). The Things get to lay around on the marital bed and hear me curse Carlos Beltran taking another third strike until their Skittles-high wears off and they crash land. Mac-n-cheese stained dishes sometimes go extra crusty in the sink -- no, wait, that happens when she is home.
It's just nice being the sole, unquestioned authority in a world where the most serious issue is who gets to sleep in the middle while mommy's away and whether all the carrots must be eaten before dessert is served. That won't be the case when their teenagers, so I'm trying to absorb as much as possible now.
But, ultimately, the at-home Dad gig can be a lonely double-edged sword when she's gone.
Uh-oh. Plane exiting international waters. Feeling control … slippin' … away … aaaaaaaah …
Video: The Milt Show, "The Man Song"
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My Uncool Past
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- ► 2012 (61)
- ► 2011 (57)
- ► 2010 (100)
- ► 2009 (87)
- Father, Thy Name is Dork
- To My Love, On the 11th Anniversary of Our First N...
- The Day I Disowned My Daughter
- George Carlin: Comic Genius, Mets Fan
- Ever Get The Feeling You've Been Cheated?
- Party of One at DadCentric.com
- "Stick Out Your Can …"
- I'm the King of My Castle (When You're Not Around)...
- Brief Interlude - Don't Run Yet!
- Summing It Up in a Simple Six
- It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
- My Little Diva
- Happy Father's Day and Thanks for Not Kicking My A...
- Progress Among Modern 6-Year-Old Boys
- Chew on This, Pal
- For Father's Day, all I want you to do is give it,...
- Life is a carnival -- believe it or not
- I got a desk full of papers that mean nothing at a...
- Screw Soccer Moms. This is a Mannish-Boy Blood Spo...
- Invading the land of estrogen and mommy talk
- Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions: At-home Dad St...
- ▼ June (21)