Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Detox or Die Trying

My body is a temple that each summer is desecrated by Mr. Sam Adams; his London buddy, Mr. Gordon; and assorted hangers-on. Thus, with a chill in the air signaling the end of elastic-waistband shorts, I knew it was time for something radical.

Detox.

Not Betty Ford (that would be "rehab" for those scorin' at home), but a detox diet. Get all the poisons out of the ol' system, reinvigorate the ol' noodle and recover all the randomly dropped "d's" and "g's" in my writin'. Maybe I'll even lose a few pounds and be worthy of the post-Jenny Craig Valerie Bertinelli. Rrrrowl.

Someone I trust recommended a best-selling three-week regime. This person lived to tell, so it must be a winner.

Then I read the detox details.

People, be leery of a 200-page book in which 126 pages are testimonies from Twinkie-stuffed bozos. Fred flippin' Flintstone, I didn't pay $24.95 (plus tax in you liberal, unpatriotic, unreal-American states) to hear about your problems!

Next, be suspicious of chapters dedicated solely to explaining why enemas are your best friend. Sorry, but coffee only enters this body through one portal and, pal, it is on a different end of the digestive system.

Then, worry if you need to buy a warehouse of supplements to fill the nutritional gaps caused by the cleansing. (Note: To save money, most of the supplement ingredients can be scraped off the floor of your local nursery. Also, did you know aloe vera leaves your skin soft and supple when you apply it externally and your intestines' smooth and silky when you consume it? Consider yourself educated.)

The actual detox instructions came down to this: eat only vegetables, especially dark leafy greens, but only after you boil them beyond recognition, toss most of the nutrient-filled water, then stick the remnants in a $500 juicer that renders them completely unrecognizable and tasteless.

(Oh, there was also a warning that detox-ers with unresolved "issues" in their lives may experience suicidal thoughts and bouts of unexplained public nudity. But this is just "a hiccup in the healing process," so don't panic.)

Sounds fun -- let's go!

Day 1: Not bad. You eat every two hours. By "eat," I mean you drink quarts of enzyme concoctions and herbal teas. All these things all fruit flavored, yet a nice crisp Macintosh violates the detox. Go figure.

Day 2: I'm peeing every two hours. Dear Lord, am I pregnant?

Day 3: Lost 4 pounds. Still, chamomile tea tastes like ass. And not Victoria's Secret quality, either.

Day 4: Neither light-headed nor dizzy today. I feel like I lost an old friend. I eye the stale box of donuts in the trash. Hmmm …

Day 5: Down 6 pounds. I make "cleansing soup." Gallons of vegetables and seasonings later, mmm, it tastes just like ... water.

Day 6: Since I no longer chew anything, I give up brushing and flossing. Bonus!

Day 7: Dear God, no more [radio edit] herbal tea. They all [censored] SUCK! SUCK MY [digitally altered] MOTHERHUMPING [bleeeeeeeep]!!

Day 8: Down 9 pounds. I haven't gone this long without alcohol since high school. I don't seem to have the DTs. Confirmation that I'm not an alcoholic.

Day 9: I'm craving a cigarette, though I haven't smoked in eons. Is detoxing like sex? Assuming sex is like "vegetable" juice, distilled water and gallons of [redacted] herbal [cuckoo] tea.

Day 10: Seeing the 180s again! This is because my body is free of all heavy metals, insecticides and other poisons. Or because I'm consuming only 348 calories a day.

Day 11: The book's last chapter warns about coming off detox too soon. Could send my body into fatal shock. Now that's incentive.

Day 12: Dropped 13 pounds. It's not that I miss food. I just miss flavor. Any flavor. Except [deleted] herbal ass tea flavor.

Day 13: Screw it. Going for a latte and a maple nut scone. Life's too [buuuzz] short to be thin, healthy and miserable.

Day 14: Went to Humor-Blogs.com and fattened up my rankings with many a smiley face.

48 comments:

  1. sounds like fun!

    and can i just say the sidebar note that says "tonight cher whoops it up" just about make me choke on my diet coke.

    thanks for the laughs. i needed them!

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  2. I simply cannot see you doing detox. You're way too fun of a person.

    Do you even exercise, by the way? I'd start with that if you want to treat your body like a temple. :)

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  3. HA! Yes, I too checked out the 'cleanse', but went no further than looking at the DISGUSTING pictures on the internet of people proudly showing what came out of their bodies. It looked like a sci-fi movie, and I have enough poo issues. So, do you feel semi-clean at least?

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  4. You're tougher than I'll ever be. I could never subject myself to it.

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  5. Cleansing fasts and colonics were all the rage when I was in college--OK, I studied dance. Dancers do that to themselves.

    Now I write. And we all know that great writers drink. So I just have to flex with it.

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  6. I'm doing something New called the Rib and Stout/Porter/BarleyWine Detox.

    I'll let you know when the Book signing happens.

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  7. You could just go in for a routine colonoscopy...save yourself some time - and I hear you get some good drugs.

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  8. Nat - Artificially sweeteners will get ya every time.

    ST - I play tennis weekly, walk the kids to school (2 miles round trip), walk the dog a couple of miles most days of the week, and wrangle two soccer teams of 5- to 8-yr-old kids thrice a week.

    Sally - Feh. I certainly didn't experience the clearheadness and boundless energy the book claimed. I do have a greater appreciation of condiments, though.

    Heiny - So, you won't be my second in a knife fight, huh?

    Fantasy - Roll with the punches, baby.

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  9. CIII - God bless your backwoods sensibility.

    -K - Isn't aging great?

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  10. I've considered detoxing.

    But it's going to involve water and a steam room. And that's it.

    Can an hour in a steam room be considered detox?

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  11. I have been sucked into the weight watchers realm. I go with my mom to "Check out" a meeting. In mom talk that means I doing it you doing it.
    3 weeks into it and 7 down. Excerse is three times a week and mom calls me and says try this new receepe. Look no taste mom!!
    Yeah I have cheated and loooovvveeedd every moment of it.

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  13. Kevin, you'll be so ready to do the triathlon with me next August...

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  14. For a second, after reading "made cleansing soup," I thought you were going to talk about what you did in the bathroom, and, I'm not going to lie to you. You scared me there for a minute.

    Shall I assume your fondness for me is really just wrapped up in how wacked out this detox made your brain?

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  15. OMG Twinkie-stuffed bozos. Awesome.
    Cut out sugar and white stuff. You'll be golden.

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  16. Next time, I want to *detox* with you! The sh[bleeeeeep] we would hallucinate would be totally worth it!

    I did 10 days of that lime juice diet (I think it was supposed to be lemons but I'm Messican brother so I'm all about the limes) and I gotta say that I looked fantabulous!

    The people around me claim I was a mean beast during that time. All lies.

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  17. You have just described a woman's monthly cylce ...the weight gain, and loss and irratability part , I mean.

    Two extis, no waiting....

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  18. dude. stupidest thing you have done ever.

    and i will keep saying that because NO ONE WILL MAKE ME GIVE UP MY BEERS PEOPLE.

    what? oh, I said that out.loud?

    good job, kev! yay for kev!

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  19. Got here by way of Ciii's beer-soaked site.

    I have a hard time fathoming that you read the book, AND STILL went ahead with the detox. I find that smoking and amphetamines have the same weight-loss effects, without the herbal tea. Plus, you can read new blogs at 5AM 'cause you haven't slept yet!

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  20. I read your post with absolute horror. I am emailing you a sandwich.

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  21. I was going to detox myself next month. Now I think not.......

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  22. Holy motherfuck, you actually went through with it?! I don't doubt you wanted a cigarette, your body was probably screaming for something fun. Glad it didn't kill you. You there? Hey, you okay?

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  23. I can't imagine trying that, knowing I'd fail terribly. I'd not make it as long as you.

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  24. I'd love to get some of that spackle off of my veins and arteries, but not in the name of no beer.

    Bells Two Hearted and Spanish Peaks Black Dog Ales grace my crisper (the place to store beer, imho) as I type. Two Hearted = Heaven on Earth.

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  25. WTF I've been doing the wrong cleanses. I lost like zero pounds but could tell my liver was shocked. It actually hurt. ANyway I do the cleanse thing to justify the wine habit. In my head.

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  26. As someone who's done that...

    your take on it is DEAD ON!

    Thanks for the laugh this morning!

    Can I detox vicariously through you?

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  27. I've thought about doing detox. Thanks for convincing me otherwise.

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  28. I think it's distinctly possible you are pregnant... with Sam Adams' baby.

    And here you thought he was out of your life!

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  29. I actually thought about doing this once. I would have lasted about two hours at most.

    I see we'll be travel blogging together.

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  30. Yup - you have confirmed it - I will just keep drinking. Thanks for the insight.

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  31. So where do I get this book? And can I eat it on Day 14? Totally stumbling this, I was laughing my [cuckoo] off!

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  32. i am laughing my ass off right now. You are too damn funny. Now, I'm off to make damn cabbage soup. Or maybe try to catch the stomach flu. Anyone out there who is sick that I can kiss? ANYONE????

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  33. detox your feet with those kinoki pads. It'll freak you out even MORE!

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  34. Mmmm ... I think I'll go to the kitchen and get myself a nice, ass-flavored herbal tea.

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  35. oh, that sounds like a heavy-duty detox. but hey, 13 pounds is pretty cool. I bet the latte and scone tasted delicious :-)

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  36. LOL!!!! What a great post! I've been eyeing this kind of deal at Whole Foods, but can't make myself pull the trigger. Thank you for pulling it for me.

    * snort *

    Anna

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  37. You did this thing? Holy Mother of God, no way, NO WAY would i do that. I'm not sure if you're 'brave" or crazy. LOL

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  38. so it's been days since your last post, dude.

    did all that cleansing rinse you out so well that your mojo went the way of the toxins?

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  39. Ugh! I'm going to make my husband read this because he keeps talking about purge diets are the way to go. I think anything involving enemas is just wrong.

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  40. You are a brave, brave man, Kevin. I have it on good authority that Sam is more addictive than an twinkie. Not that I would know. I don't drink beer or eat twinkies.

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  41. Bouts of public nudity could be fun.

    Although problematic.

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  42. I set my alarm for 6am to go running. It's so much easier to set my alarm for 6am to drink coffee.

    Big congrats for making it so far!

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  43. Dude, I'm lifting a cold one to your complete disdain for the cleansing. Rock the toxins '08!

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  44. Wow. That just sounds, well, awful. You are a strong man!

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  45. That was an awesome post, you are hilarious. Loved it.

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  46. so, so funny! I mean EDUCATIONAL! Thanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

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