Thursday, May 21, 2009

How Dorothy Parker Got Started

They gathered around the long stone table, sipping from their frosty glasses, letting the cold, clear liquids slide down inside them.

"Now, say happiness very slowly," their leader said to him.

"Haaaaa-peee-ness."

Laughter. It forced all seated to lift their heads and toss back their hair just as they had done seconds earlier in tossing down their drinks.

"You," the leader announced loudly, "said, penis! … Now say, very slowly, meatballs."

"Meeeee-eeeeeat-baaaaalls."

"Eewww!" said the leader's sidekick, who happened to be my 9-year-old daughter who then cupped her groin in illustration of the gag to the further delight of those gathered around the table.

I smiled but looked down and shook my head, keeping my eyes closed so as not to see how many of my thinning brown follicles had jumped and floated down to the floor in an attempt to save themselves from the coming teen years.

19 comments:

  1. Could be worse -- Dorothy Parker was brilliant! (A little slutty and died sad and alone, but you can't have everything.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not familiar with Dorothy Parker, but witty kids, yeah I've got a couple of those.

    A favorite story:

    My son, 11, watching LOTR:TTT, and the scene comes up where they are carrying the king's son to the grave. He' grabs the remote, hits pause, and says: "Bong! Bring out yer dead!"

    I about peed my pants . . .

    ReplyDelete
  3. It'll be a quick jump from that stuff to something like my favorite Dorothy Parker witticism of all-time.

    I like to have a martini,
    Two at the very most.
    After three I'm under the table,
    after four I'm under my host.

    (Always makes me smile. Because I'm apt to say that martinis are like breasts. One isn't enough and three are just too many. See, I'm witty...just not Dot Parker witty)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have no idea who Dorothy Parker is, but that is funny!

    Oh, and maybe people would stop hating on your boy Caillou if he finally grew some hair and wasn't such a little beeotch. Didn't know he was Canadian.

    Love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Moral of the story- nobody is ever to old to enjoy a good penis joke.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My four year old daughter said the other day that she would like boys more if they DIDN'T have penis'...

    They learn young... it's ingrained. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Penis and Balls.

    *sigh*

    Will I still think that shit is funny when I'm 70?

    Probly.

    It's probly not going to be near as funny when my Girls are doing it. But it'll still be pretty funny.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ahahahahahaha!!!! That is hilarious and I will be using it today at dinner!

    Hey, you know what’s a good song? Brown eyed girl. You should give it a listen. No, really.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The pen-is mightier than the sword.

    hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  10. Too funny! Yeah, buckle your seat belt with an evolving teen in your midst. You'll have writing material for a decade!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Beware the day someone has taught her to hold her tongue and say 'brother trucker.'

    ReplyDelete
  12. Does it mean we are simpatico since we both have posts prominently featuring penis? I shall wear this as a badge of honor all weekend knowing I'm almost as cool as you.

    We used to have the people at the airport page Master Bates over the loud speaker...we were all clever and stuff. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOL. Peeeeeeee-nis!

    Btw, thanks for stopping by my blog! How'd ya' find me?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Most of the boys in my daughter's second grade class think the correct pronunciation is Achina. So they have a real hard time feeling okay about saying China.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love it!!!

    My daughter really struggled with learning the names of the planets, because I was a big dumb animal and giggled every time she said Uranus. They apparently pronounce it differently these days, though. Her teacher taught them it was pronounced as, "Urine us." Which is still pretty flippin' funny.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Very witty- I still think the spell "I CUP" joke is pretty funny- although I stopped telling it in middle school when a girl told me in that early teen voice that it wasn't funny- I'm with CIII- I will still be laughing at these jokes when I am old and grey. - Jason

    ReplyDelete
  17. The goal of getting kids to say "penis" is a pretty low bar. You could just ask, and everyone would gladly partake while laughing.

    Heck, I'll still count myself as part of everyone.

    ReplyDelete
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