My Love and I have not been sleeping together lately.
She’s been on the road for work a lot lately. Mexico. Miami. Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, yeah: cry her a river.
She called me today, sounding a little concerned.
“You haven’t been blogging lately,” she said. Her tone of voice suggested she was anticipating some questionable service charges on my credit card.
“It’s a little hard to string together a coherent sentence around here these days,” I said, “for one reason or another.”
REASON NO. 1: My Achin’ Hammie
I was not kidding you folks. Luckily, it wasn’t too bad. I religiously followed the RICE treatment (rest, ice, Corona, extra dry martinis) and it feels almost normal again. Attempting to write with one’s foot propped up on five pillows while the back of your leg melts through every bag of frozen food from the fridge (when and why did I every buy Brussels sprouts?) is hard enough, but then there was …
REASON NO. 2: My Achin’ Stomach
Thing 1 and I returned from Chicago with, oh, let’s leave it at “an intestinal disagreement.” I spent two days on the couch praying for death or the satellite TV equivalent -- a Dane Cook comedy special. Instead, I watched a lot of Little House on the Prairie reruns. Was there a major 19th-century disease that didn’t find its way to Walnut Grove? I witnessed rabies, typhus and the infamous Oleson family chlamydia outbreak.
REASON NO. 3: My Missing Bathroom
If timing a bad leg with an inability to hold down one’s meals didn’t make life challenging enough, then there was the matter of being down one bathroom. We are renovating the master – a project that conveniently started while My Love was on the road and not so conveniently takes place directly above my office.
And, of late, through my office:
If the banging that shook loose two light fixtures (including the one over my desk) weren’t enough, then there was this:
That’s the hole the plumber had to make in the ceiling, also above my desk, to drain the liquid from the hot water line puncture created by the flooring guys.
On the upside, I think breathing in all the sawdust and drywall powder help clog my internal plumbing.
“And that’s why I haven’t been blogging lately,” I said. “So today, I said ‘screw it’ and played golf.”
“How’d you do?”
“On one hole, it took me four strokes to get out of a single sand trap. It was the most productive day I’ve had in two weeks.”