Monday, August 9, 2010

BlogHer: The Chicks are All Right

Only a handful of women directly addressed the elephant in the room (actually, the penis in the elevator) at BlogHer ‘10 this past weekend by asking me: “Why are you here at a conference for women?”

More surprisingly, only one of them inserted an emphatic “the hell” into that question but it was in her eyes, not her words.

But that wasn’t the real controversy surrounding my appearance among the 2,400 women gathered in New York City. No, not by a long shot.

It was: How did I -- a man who once wore a paper doily as underwear, who can barely hang self-adhesive wallpaper borders -- get invited to a Martha Stewart party instead of some of them?

Answer: Martha knows I need FAR more help than you.

(Actual conversation that happened not once, but twice with Omnimedia employees at the party:

MARTHA MINION: And what’s the name of the blog you write?

ME: Always Home and Uncool.

MARTHA MINION: Oh, yes! We know you. YOU’RE the daddy blogger.)

amy-bitchin'-wives-club

Martha obviously wants to broaden her appeal to folks like me, the domestic doofus demographic. One swag bag her folks distributed contained fudge-covered mint Oreos, Kraft Homestyle Mac ‘n’ Cheese and, honestly, Miracle Whip. It only lacked a warning label:

“DANGER! Eating these three items in one sitting might cause heart attack, diabetes or terminal SuburbanWhiteBoyism!”

I only had one moment of true testosterone discomfort during all three days. Oddly, it did not occur while entering a women’s bathroom Thursday night to pay my respects to Jenny the Bloggess. That I expected.

the-bloggess--me-potty-on

My man shame occurred during the conference’s panel on humor writing. Comedienne and The Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead described her need to rally the world against white, male … um, excrement egresses. Oh, how the sea of women around me laaaaaughed and laaaaaughed and … *sniff sniff* … do I smell boiling tar?

Then I remembered.

Lizz wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.

That’s right.

Not “guys like me.” But me, in particular. So there, Lizz Winstead: You. Owe. Moi.

She passed me, TwoBusy and Kristine in the hall right before the panel started and asked where the room was. I’m positive I pointed first.

In all seriousness, everyone I meet – male and female – were as gracious as they could be to me or at least faked it convincingly. Here are some thanks and memories worth sharing:

To TwoBusy, my roommate and safety net. I’m especially grateful you never kidney punched me for endlessly begging and pleading with people to support Cure JM’s efforts to win that $250,000 Pepsi Refresh grant. You are a gentleman and I owe you. No kidding, what’s my half of the hotel bill?

cure jm pepsi refresh cards To the 400 or so people who now possess the above Cure JM cards: thanks for indulging me. My daughter and other children stuck with this stupid disease known as juvenile myositis are depending on you and the power of your votes.

To the dynamic duo of Ms. Picket and Carolyn Online. For you, I’ll make an exception to my rules on drinking light beer. Not at the $10 a pop the hotel bar was charging, mind you, but definitely up to $7.75. Sans tax and tip.

To Momo Fali: I am not your stalker. It was aaaaaall an Ambien-induced hallucination.

To Bossy: I am your stalker. I just made it seem like you kept bumping into me around the hotel bar because I’m that good.

To Pop and Ice, Dr. Snarky and, especially their lovely daughter who likes to grill cab drivers and waiters about their hopes and dreams. I wish I still had her sense of curiosity and wonder.

To Verdant Dude and Avitable’s (mostly) Florida mafia for welcoming me into the city, but not for making me sweat my ever-lovin’ man sack off in that Belgium bar. Don’t you get enough humidity back home?

To Out-Numbered for letting me surf in his wake while he hobnobbed with the post-breakfast crowd Friday morning.

jason-mayo-is-outnumbered

To Maggie Dammit, Ann Imig, Small Town Mommy, VodkaMom and the other handful of people who literally tapped my shoulder (or in Charlie’s case, leaped over a chair and a table) to say hello. In each case, it was a strange, wonderful and wholly unexpected experience for me. There are many days I wallow silently in my feelings of worthlessness, resentment and loneliness over the belief that no one cares about what I struggle to hunt-and-peck here. You made me feel welcome in your home.

* * *

You could win an iPad by helping us win that $250,000 Pepsi grant. Go to www.CureJM.org, sign up for daily voting reminders and then vote your ass off and get your friends to do the same every day until August 31. We only give away the iPad if we finish No. 1 or 2 in the voting.

34 comments:

  1. It was great to meet you, albeit briefly. But I'm bitter that you got invited to the Martha party. Bitter!!

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  2. It was great finally meeting you, Kevin!

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  3. About now you should be writing a whole post about how I wouldn't leave you alone and at one point was holding on to your leg for safety.

    But... sigh... maybe next year.

    Sounds like a good time.

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  4. You know I've been waiting for this. I'm glad you partied like a rock star and such. See you 'round these suburban parts.

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  5. I thoroughly enjoyed sleeping with you.

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  6. I recently entered the world of daddy blogging, so I feel like you are my hero for attending the conference. I am getting more tattoos and refusing to shave just to reasure myself of my manhood. In reality, I feel like the dad in the Michael Keaton movie from 1983, Mr. Mom. Love your blog.

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  7. I voted! And I'll vote again!

    It was good to see you.

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  8. Did MM say "YOUR the Daddy Blogger" or "Your THE Daddy Blogger".....? Hmmmm. You never know. But maybe it's a good thing.

    Glad you had fun. Still voting away down here. (Does this mean I can have the swag oreos?)

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  9. On behalf of the rest of the doofus demographic that couldn't attend: I salute you. You represented us well.

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  10. so love reading everyones BlogHer posts! Your was great and I am so envious...i so wanted to go

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  11. Sounds like an amazing time with some of the blogging best!

    so annoyed i didn't attend. when's the next blog and grog?

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  12. Sounds like you had a fabulous time, and that you deserved an invite (and acknowledgment) for creating something new. Bravo.

    I can relate to the "trying to do something new" thing. I'm a writer currently posting a story, not a blog, online at www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com, in an attempt to "get my voice out there," as they say you're supposed to do. It's a "What If" rendition of the mommy-wife world in which you're traveling now. The story is a fun, familiar and at times dark and steamy tale about a woman who ventures down a path most don't, won't or can't, even though we might fantasize about it on occasion.

    I hope that you will take a peek and that your reentry to life, as we know it, went smoothly.

    Elizabeth

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  13. It was very nice meeting you and I'm sorry if I seemed at all bitchy. I was very overwhelmed and flustered having come just from the airport through rush hour.

    Honestly, I don't at all find it weird to see guys at BlogHer. If what the conference offers appeals to you, you should go, no matter what hangs (or doesn't) between your legs.

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  14. This post was hilarious. Such a pleasure meeting you.

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  15. Sorry to have missed the chance to meet you at BlogHer10 (you've been in my Google reader for awhile) but this post was the next best thing. (I'll link to it in my post-BlogHer roundup.) Glad you enjoyed the conference!

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  16. And now I'm jealous. I managed to avoid most of those feelings all weekend, but you're an asshole for being awesome and having a genuine time.

    Argh argh argh. I miss BlogHer.

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  17. I'm sorry we didn't meet at BlogHer this year...maybe the CT contingent should rent an RV and road trip to San Diego next year?

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  18. I wasn't at that belgian bar!! lol

    But I did hug you. Hard. As many times as I could.

    Pass one of those on to your wife for me, OK?

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  19. It's not weird that I'm going to take these photos of you, blow them up and have them made into stand-ees, and leave them in my house so we can make casual chit chat and laugh at our inside jokes, is it? I'm sure it will be just like being there to have met you.

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  20. It was great to finally meet you. Does this mean I shouldn't hang around Monster B's anymore, picking up 20 somethings?

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  21. Kev,

    I'll eat all kinds of meat/
    from a street/
    or all fancied up/
    and (snuck-in, cheap) beer from a cup!/
    Anywhere, anyway/
    Name the date, just say/
    I'll be there in my tee/
    (Lite should sponsor me!)/
    See you soon?/
    But when? Who knows?/
    Except this?/

    Hookers and HOS!

    xoxo Picket

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  22. Jeez that's a great look on Amy from BWC's face. Looks like, "you got the martha invite? Who'd you Bl**?"

    Looks like a great time. I'm sure after you and two busy departed all those women were saying, "Why can't more guys be like them?"

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  23. lol. Most guys would be scared to even almost go in there.

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  24. It was great to meet you for 2 minutes I got to talk to you. Even though you called me sweaty.

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  25. So glad to hear Ms Picket delivered the goods. wink wink nudge nudge. Hey, is there a secret handshake for signing up for daily reminders? I can't find the dang thing anywhere. I've been sending daily reminders to a bunch of folks and if I could persuade them to sign up with Cure JM instead of me, that'd be great. My arm's so tired from doing all those HJs I don't have any energy left for photo editing. Just sayin...

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  26. wait. You're buying THEM a beer and not ME?


    And the pleasure was all mine. xxxxx

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  27. Ah yes, so we truly did have a similar beef with the hotel bar beer prices! It was great to have met you and I look forward to checking in on you in the future!

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  28. :3 You should have seen me waltzing with the Pillsbury Dough Boy after a one-way conversation about how he liked his job. Ronald McDonald was also subject to interrogation.

    Anywho, it was great meeting you! I, personally, was feeling crushed by all that estrogen. It was like Vaginas 'R Us in there....

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  29. Such good times. Even if you did plant yourself at the hotel bar in hopes of glimpsing me. Silly boy, next time try the hotel gym. (Riiiiiiiight.)

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  30. So glad we had a chance to meet in person. Also? All the people you love are the people I love. We must be destined to be great friends! : )

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  31. You weren't stalking me? Now I'm sad. Still slightly freaked out, but sad.

    Now, LET'S CURE JM! I'm off to vote...three times.

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  32. You know, I just realized that I have no idea what you look like, and never in amillion years could have picked you out of a crowd.

    But now I do. So, next year if you go, I won't be the asshole who had no clue who you were.

    Skipping BlogHer ftw!

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