Wednesday, August 4, 2010

BlogHer: Treat this Guy Like One of the Girls

For those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter (and what’s up with that?), you missed the big announcement the other week that confirms your long-held suspicions:

uncool blogher badge

I will be at the BlogHer ‘10 conference in New York City this week. This puts me among the handful of men there who will not be serving drinks, restocking the buffet or unclogging hair from the hotel sinks.

“But wait,” you say, “you can’t go to BlogHer! You have a penis!”

Hold on.

I’ve checked and, yes, I can confirm that I do indeed have a penis. But please, do not hold it against you.

I mean, against me.

I mean, don’t hold it all.

Don’t even think about my penis.

Stop it.

Stoooop iiiiit.

Good.

Why am I going to a conference so chock full of estrogen that it will make The View seem an editorial board meeting at Maxim magazine?

It’s nearby.

It’s cheap (minimal travel cost, bought my ticket early at a discount and I’m sharing a cardboard box near Rockefeller Center with a few former Lehman Brothers brokers).

It offers many networking possibilities with other bloggers and people who could possibly be conned persuaded into giving me cold hard cash to shill things on my site that I have first-hand experience with, such as feminine hygiene products and disposable underwear.

And finally, My Love said it was OK.

As long as you don’t think about … you know. That thing I have.

She seemed extremely concerned yesterday about the possibility of me being among the 10 percent of the BlogHer attendees with a Y chromosome. In particular, she was worried about me “dancing” with women hopped up on free swag and cheap booze at the BlogHer parties.

“You’ve seen me dance,” I told her, “it’s anyone within a 20-foot radius of me who should be worried, not you. Members of our wedding party still bear scars to this day.”

“Dancing,” it turns out, was a metaphor. Since it went over my head, she threw another one at me.

“It’s like driving,” she explained over a martini as big as an Octomom-Sized bucket of KFC. “It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s the other crazies on the road. I want you to practice Defense Driving.”

I’ve taken Defensive Driving at the behest of the state of Texas – twice -- so let me think … pay attention to your surroundings, maintain adequate distance, both hands on the wheel except when flipping off that idiot with the perpetually blinking left-turn signal.

Ahhhh!

Wow.

Seriously?

Anyway, if you are a woman (go ahead and check – I’ll wait) and you meet me at BlogHer, please put My Love’s mind at ease. Just treat me just like one of the girls. This means you should:

  • Compliment me on my hair, cute shoes or choice of purses.
  • Complain to me about how your spouse is always wanting to have intimate relations with you then detail all the clever ways you manage to avoid doing so.
  • Discuss and compare our muffin-top elimination strategies.
  • Tell me why you are either on Team Edward or Team Jacob, and why anyone in her right mind should really care that much about crappy fictional characters.
  • And finally, ask me about my problems with bloating.

Exception to the rule: Please – no matter what the circumstance – do not invite me back to your room for a lingerie pillow fight. I’d disappoint you any way. I’m only packing my granny panties.

* * *

All kidding aside, here’s what I’m looking forward to at BlogHer:

Driving to the conference and rooming with the anonymous blue lobster known as TwoBusy, a man who can rip your heart out with his writing about his autistic son, scare you with his knowledge of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and impress you with his large, uh, music collection.

Having beers with Ms. Picket (OK, I’m having beer, she’s having Miller Lite), whose husband and I made a formidable battery back in Little League days, and discussing with her how much coaching kid soccer sucks.

Thanking, in person, some of the people who have been extremely generous with their money, time and blog/Twitter space in helping Cure JM and our fight to find a cure for Thing 1’s autoimmune disease. These include: the amazing Anna Lefler; the prolifically funny VodkaMom; my serial reTweeters Ann’s Rants, Kristine and Panic Room Ryan; the easily persuaded Maggie, Dammit and Miss Britt (sorry about begging on Sunday night) and, I hope, a cast of many others.

Passing out business cards … not mine, but ones that explain what JM is and hopefully, gets many more people to vote for us in the Pepsi Refresh contest for $250,000. (Yes, I know we dropped from No. 4 to No. 175 – the system is screwy because there are also no Nos. 1 to 97 last time I checked. Have faith.)

So, if you are at BlogHer and you see this guy:

skip hinnant love of chair electric company

You didn’t see me. You saw character actor Skip Hinnant dressed as The Boy from The Electric Company skit, "Love of Chair," from the early 1970s. He only plays me in my avatar and blog header.

But if you see this guy (most likely without Liz aka Mom 101 but probably with a drink):

uncool and liz of mom 101 
Yep, that’s me. Be gentle, ladies. I already have one damaged X chromosome.

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27 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I once covered a female "wellness" conference for the local newspaper and it was, uh, interesting. The keynote speaker made several jokes that made me slightly uncomfortable but on the flip side, the bathroom was always free when I needed it. Just enjoy yourself. Women rock.

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  2. You guys are gonna have so much fun.

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  3. Well, if I knew you were going - I woulda volunteered to be your wallflower!

    And you know what happens sometimes when women gather together - they all seem to 'cycle' at the same time.

    Good luck on your quest!

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  4. In my experience there's not nearly as much debauchery as there should be. The only person who hit on me last year was Avitable.

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  5. I wish I lived close (like you do) and I wish I was going (like you are).
    Now I kinda feel like I should belt out into song about pretending that airplanes were like shooting stars...

    Never mind... I'll stop wishing. :) Hope you have a great time!

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  6. Have a good time man. I was vaguely tempted by this one as I love NYC. But the fact I have zero cash put slight dampeners on things.

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  7. what ARE your problems with bloating?

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  8. Funny post....I work in NYC...(want a Police escort?) we should get together for a drink after the conference....take you to Scores so you can get your man card back.
    I kid.

    Seriously, I do work in Manhattan and be pretty cool to have a beer or two.

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  9. I sort of understand Your Love's concerns - I send Yankee off to places like Paris with five or six flight attendants every week. He assures me his particular airline only hires ugly flight attendants, but I'm not so sure.

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  10. Dude(ette) - Wrong city. As the girls will be tossing their pillows in NYC, The Boys will be throwing their balls slightly south.

    But have fun! And thanks for last night.

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  11. Good luck and godspeed, my (wo)man!

    Tell the other ladies I said hello!

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  12. Don't worry. We'll totally have lingerie pillow fights every night. It's gonna be awesome.

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  13. *SIGH* someday, SOMEDAY Maybe I'll get to go. In the meantime I'll just keep rocking this unemployment gig.

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  14. Cool, another great blogger I need to try and find in the sea of people at BlogHer. Have a safe trip and see you in NYC.

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  15. I'm another guy going to BlogHer but my wife doesn't need to worry about women hitting on me. She's going too! I just need to remember not to make a crack about how wonderful it is that there are no lines for the bathroom. After all, I do want to make it out of there fully intact! ;-)

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  16. I'm kinda stuck on the penis part, but I'm not gonna be at Blogher.
    :(
    Ha

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  17. This was like learning Superman's secret identity. Good luck to you and your penis at the convention. Have fun.

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  18. There's been much brouhahahahaha made of this whole BlogHer10 dealie-bop. Crowds freak me out so I'd never survive anyway. Howsoever, I will miss the lingerie pillow fights between you and TB. I've got an awesome camera and I think the blogging community deserves pictures of that. And of your dancing.

    Ms. Picket told me she'd give you something from me. I hope she remembers before she gets loaded on Lite. Although my memories of Lite have less to do with getting loaded and more to do with getting bloating.

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  19. Sounds like it'll be a fun time. Swim strong against the currents in the estrogen sea, my friend. Looking forward to reading your post-event post.

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  20. Two super powers together in the same hotel room? I'll be keeping an eye on the nightly news for any shenanigans you and TwoBusy get into.

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  21. Aaaah, I can't stop thinking about Uncool's penis now!!!

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  22. Following you on Twitter.


    http://twitter.com/fatirishman

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  23. Forget the penis, you got big clangy balls for attending BlogHer, which makes you COOL. Sorry, you may have to rename the blog.

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  24. Good for you, am very jealous you went this year -- I hope to go next year (with my penis).

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  25. I was gonna introduce myself at the writing conference but all those women were flirting with you so i backed off - wait - your wife doesn't read this does she?

    JK lucky spouse of AHAU :)

    Hope ya had fun- see ya next year!

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  26. This was funny!
    (Laughing is so spontaneous that it seems unnatural to write 'it was funny', no?)

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  27. How great that you got to go to BlogHer. I wanted to go, but it was too far for me with my disability and our finances didn't allow for both hubby and I to go.
    Can't wait to read all about your adventures.
    I'm sure your wife has nothing to worry about, I can tell by your blog that you love here dearly!

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