Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Everywhere at Once; Nowhere at All

Yes, that's me at the bar last week. I'm again waiting for the others to show for our monthly Blog 'n' Grog. For the second time since January 1, I appear to be the only one in attendance.

It's 45 minutes past the start. I decide to finish my stout then return home.

Then this tall but doughy guy slurs his way up to me and asks if the stool next to mine is taken. At least that's what I think. It's loud and crowded in the bar and my hearing is notoriously spotty in these situations.

He offers to buy me another beer. That's like offering Keith Richards a little taste of smack.

He has the barmaid set me up.

Then he gives her a $20 bill and asks for tens in return. She turns to the register and he starts making unintelligible grunts that, by his gestures and body language, I interpret as being in reference to the barmaid's rather fetching rear compartment.

When she presents him with the tens, he hands her another $20 bill and asks for two more tens. She turns, he leers and slobbers, she gives him the change and then he hands her another twenty.

He does this another two times.

I'm simultaneously in awe that I have never thought of this ploy before while guilt-racked over being in awe because I was raised to lust far more discreetly and privately than this.

Shortly thereafter, the drunk guy with all the tens made from his twenties starts to come on to me. Very heavily.

He continues to do so even after Beth, one of my best blogging buddies who is not really a blogger but owner of the greatest day spa in all the county, shows up.

"Doesn't this bother you?" she asks when his attention goes momentarily elsewhere.

"No," I say. "This is actually the most attention anyone -- male or female -- has ever paid to me in a bar."

Which leads me to pimp my fitting review of the Paul Rudd/Jason Segel "bromance" I Love You, Man on DadCentric today.

Which then leads me to pimp my answers to questions on sex, romance and parenting on Hot Dads yesterday.

Which makes me realize I get be a whore and a pimp in the same post.

Awesome.

22 comments:

  1. I guess penis sharing is a recurring theme in your life.

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  2. Whoa...bet you didn't see that coming after watching him with the waitress trick!

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  3. But... but... but...

    I had a note from my dad!

    Ok, ok, it wasn't a note. But it was an excused absence. Girl's night out, Georgetown Saloon, open mic night. While I didn't perform, I did get roped into a stunt that will probably provide an awful lot of blog fodder over the next 4 months.

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  4. I'm still playing the surgery card, which actually stinks, in a way. Wednesday and Thursday were not good :-(

    Trying to get Manager Mom to join us after her teaching stint ends. I think more folks will join when it warms up again and we're back on the deck at Monster B's.

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  5. OK - come mid May, when my class is over, I'll be able to attend again. And maybe even blog more regularly. Either way, I will deflect you from the drunken boys, if you'd like...it must be tough being so irresistable...

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  6. I would have loved to witness this odd North American mating ritual, but I'm on the surgery DL, too, especially since it's my drinkin' arm.

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  7. I never mind getting hit on by dudes. At least someone out there has good taste, I always say. And it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it.

    I have one friend who is very homophobic who will actually walk out of a bar if he thinks a dude is hitting on him.

    So we try to set that up as much as possible for him. :)

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  8. soon uncool, I will be able to go out and about with the blog and grog crew, but not quite yet. i am up to 4 hours at work, but that is about all. Send an invite with where and when and I will try to make it next time.

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  9. It takes a real man not to have 'made change' for him.

    not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you....

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  10. Your blog title feels like my life - hope your group shows up to chaperon you.

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  11. Alas, I played the pregnant with a new house that needs lots of work card although watching what you described would have been ultimately far more enriching. Next month is moving month but I will do my best to be present with a ginger ale!

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  12. HEY! No fair! I already read your review post...this was just a crummy commercial?

    *stomping away and slamming doors*

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  13. I like to imagine you as a whore with a heart of gold!

    p.s. - I hope you got out of there before the dude asked to see your coin slot.

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  14. I've decided that i HAVE to escort you to the next blogging meeting. Someone has to protect you for God's sake. Might as well be me.

    I can KICK ASS.

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  15. Hey, you coulda gotten lucky, Uncool!

    No, I admire you...I have ZERO patience for drunk guys like that at a bar.

    PS, I actually am a blogger these days. I just haven't pointed people to it to read!

    ~Spa Junkie

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  16. So you're telling me that didn't creep you out just a little bit?

    I'm finding that hard to believe...because I was creeped out reading it. :)

    And the waitress didn't catch on? Or she was playing along?

    That's cool that a bunch of you get together...

    Okay, I admit, it WAS kind of a funny post! :)

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  17. Wow! I didn't even know it was possible to be a pimp and a whore at the same time. Kudos to you! I'm quite impressed.

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  18. very cool post, but I can't believe I'm the only one that's going to mention the rush/southpark video. How awesome is that. Oh man, you just totally made my day.

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  19. You are a lonely man. We need to find you companionship soon. As a Dad you've got to stop this whore/pimp activity. Your setting a bad example for the rest of us "normal" Dads...Seek help.

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  20. I like the idea of blog n grogging. I'm way out in the sticks, though, so it would be me and the drunk dude. I guess we'd have that in common.

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  21. You sexy piece of blogman flesh, you.

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  22. I hear you on the discreet lusting-- sometimes I feel like I'm the only lame one.

    Thankfully, I can't identify with the uncomfortable moment that followed this particular encounter.

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