Tuesday, June 6, 2017

And Piles to Go Before I Sleep

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Write what you know, they say, which is what I’m doing as I wedge this post in between today’s fourth and 45th load of laundry.

Life may be short but laundry is eternal when you have two teens involved in things such as high school sports and taking a bazillion Snapchat photos of themselves, the latter of which requires changing outfits like spastic cable remotes change channels. Which reminds me of an old joke:

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Worst Commencement Speech Advice Ever

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worst commencement speech ever graduation clothes

Another year of high school commencement ceremonies cometh and againth I was not asked to speak at any of them.

Graduates, count your blessings.
I say this because, unlike the school benefactors and politicians whose words you won't pay attention because of your preoccupation in learning the whereabouts of the nearest keg party, I would have brought to your lectern one vital thing: experience. (And also the knowledge that it's a lectern and NOT a podium, but that's another post.)

Friday, May 12, 2017

Green, Green Lawns of the Uncool Home

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Is anything as inseparable as a dad and his lawn?

Maybe a dad and his grill.

Or a dad and his beer.

Definitively a dad and that pair of underwear from 15 years ago with the air-conditioned crotch that’s just too dang comfy to toss.

But let’s get back to lawns and #LawnGoals because that is what the good people at Cub Cadet are paying me to write about here.


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Old Buzzard Devours Sweet Bird of Youth

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not 49 18 with 31 years experience

My friends, go mark your calendars: My farewell tour starts tomorrow.
I’m not going anywhere. That's obvious by the fact that after all the years and all the awards won writing this junk that I’m now making less money than I was when I started this venture. (I have a degree in journalism, people, not personal finance.) Instead, I am embarking on a year-long goodbye to my youth because, about this time next year, I turn 50.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Hit Rewind: Uncool, Cassette Tapes on Comeback

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I’m musically hip again.
Maybe not my musical tastes so much, but my music listening format is definitely hip again.
As hip as something can be after it has been declared so by that bastion of all things pop culture, The Wall Street Journal.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Baseball's Annual Opening Day Panic

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Professional athletes -- baseball players, in particular -- are known for having very specific and downright odd pre-game rituals. Hall of Famer Wade Boggs, for example, always ate chicken. Contrarily, he wasn’t particular about whether it was cooked by his wife or mistress.

Fans have their rituals, too. Here’s what has happened in the past 24 hours, just as it has for the past decade, leading up to my family’s annual excursion to see today's New York Mets home opener:

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Youth Baseball and the Old Men Who Coach It

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boy in youth baseball program
(Photo: Insight Imaging: John A Ryan Photography via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA)
Baseball requires intense preparation, starting well before the first pitch is every thrown. For this weekend's opening day of the local Little League where I coach, this pre-season demanded an unprecedented amount of ground work.

I’m not talking logistics or the political maneuvering. I mean literal “work on the grounds.”

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Alarming Issues in the Bedroom

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I’ve had some problems with my wife in bed.

It started when she would never get out of it. At least not without repeatedly smacking the snooze button like she was tenderizing a cheap cut of beef or quieting a protester at a Trump rally.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Your Valentine’s Day Side Effects May Vary

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valentines day card

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. For single folks, it’s a day for love and romance; for us marrieds, it’s been there, done that, now hand me the damn remote. 

If only we had paid attention. If only we had heeded the long-term side effects, printed in microscopic lettering on the back of those pink and red Hallmarks, that alerted us to the chances that love may eventually cause children.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Blogger Makes America Grate Again

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Note the location.
The people love me. LOVE. Some say I'm the most popular blogger ever. Tremendously popular. So popular that I had to hire my own press secretary to deal with the attention. Here's a transcript of his first press conference.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Enter the Stand-Up Blogger

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Word from the world of health news is “sitting is the new smoking” sans the nicotine buzz and toasty aroma. That is why I’m writing this standing up, all clear headed and spring fresh.

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My Uncool Past