Thursday, December 23, 2010

Anatomy of The Uncool Christmas Card – 2010

35 clever quips


The Things, My Love, Murphy and li’l ol’ me wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. As always, enjoy your ‘elves!

Meanwhile, I’m off to deliver eggnog around the neighborhood. While I’m gone please enjoy this little piece about The Things’ Christmas lists that appears on DadCentric, “It’s the Box That Counts.” Cheers!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hair Today …

19 clever quips

My Love made the appointment for last Tuesday. Not being one for history, she didn’t realize the significance of selecting December 7 as the day for her and Thing 1 to finally make good on someone’s promise to chop off her tresses for a good cause.

“Pearl Harbor Day,” I told her. “When the Japanese bombed us into World War II. ‘A date which will live in infamy.’”


“It’s OK. I’d still love you bald. Or looking like that crazy doll head with the erector-set legs in the first Toy Story movie. I mean, you did put up with my mustache for a month.”

locks-of-love-before locks of love measure locks of love duo cut2

locks of love ponytails

locks of love ponytail hold

Combined, the two of them donated seven locks, each at least 10 inches long.

locks of love in bags

And hardly a tear was shed.

locks of love haircut


And yes, Thing 1 still wanted to know if she could get paid.

She settled for a plate of sliders and wings at a restaurant down the street.

post-cut+ + +

For more information on donating to Locks of Love, visit its website and FAQ page.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Holiday Cards - ‘Me Writer, You Wronger’ Edition

28 clever quips

Time for my annual rant about putting out the Uncool Family holiday cards, but with a tangy twist! This year I’m borrowing the “I’m Right, You’re Wrong” format from Marinka of Motherhood in NYC, a classy and sassy woman who I’d be lucky to have on my side during a knife fight at Zabar’s.

Cast of Disagreers: Uncool and My Love.

Disagreement: Do you need to hand write a personalized note in a holiday card when said card already includes: 1) a thorough and entertaining family newsletter and 2) all the family member’s names (dog included) expensively embossed inside?

Position 1: We do all that other stuff to AVOID having to personally communicate with these people, many of whom we haven’t seen since our wedding. A handwritten note is only necessary when adding essential and timely information, such as “Don’t pick the scabs!” or “Plead the Fifth when the Feds come!” Not exactly keeping with the spirit of glad tidings, though.

Position 2: People may not be able to read our chicken scratch but they’ll figure out we’re attempting a bit of personalized sincerity here, Scrooge!

Please weigh in. The stamps are burning a hole in my pocket.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Holy Hacky Sacks!

14 clever quips

It’s well established that I’m not an authority on Judaism and such, but am I the only who finds it odd to sell things you kick around like this as Hanukkah gifts?

star of david hacky sack

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hello, Keith Hernandez; Goodbye, Mustache Movember

14 clever quips

I know I’m two days late for my final mustache showing of Movember but both cords we have for downloading our digital cameras mysteriously disappeared.

So I bought a new camera.

I had to. Mine was tragically smacked out my hand by an 8-year-old (not named Thing 2) at a birthday party in May, and it had been shooting with a wonky focus ever since. That’s why I’ve been looking so Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting-ish of late. 

So without further ado, here is my Day 30 ‘stache, in which I channel my inner Keith Hernandez.

me and mexWhy Keith?

Because Keith is a one-time Most Valuable Player and 11-time Gold Glove winning first baseman.

Because Keith, in 2007, won the American Mustache Institute’s Top Sports Mustache of All Time award and had his own mustache tribute day at Shea Stadium:

Because Keith played a central role in one of the best episodes of Seinfeld ever.

jerry seinfeld keith hernandez

Because Keith is a spokesman for Just for Men Mustache and Beard dye gel which, I admit, I had to use not so much to hide the gray but to darken the blonde so people could tell I was growing something under my nose.

just for men keith hernandez

Because Keith, while broadcasting a Mets game this year, reflected the feelings of all the team’s fans by falling asleep during the “action”:

God save you and your mustache, Keith.

And God save those of you who contributed to me and Team DadCentric, to help us raise more than $1,300 to fight prostate and testicular cancer.

As for those of you who didn’t donate this time out, I’m sure you were saving up to make a HUGE contribution this spring when I ask for you to support Cure JM in the Seattle Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon/Half Marathon in June.

Now back to our regularly scheduled, unfuzzy and Uncool face:

the face of home and uncool


My Uncool Past