Monday, April 3, 2017

Baseball's Annual Opening Day Panic

2 clever quips

Professional athletes -- baseball players, in particular -- are known for having very specific and downright odd pre-game rituals. Hall of Famer Wade Boggs, for example, always ate chicken. Contrarily, he wasn’t particular about whether it was cooked by his wife or mistress.

Fans have their rituals, too. Here’s what has happened in the past 24 hours, just as it has for the past decade, leading up to my family’s annual excursion to see today's New York Mets home opener:

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Youth Baseball and the Old Men Who Coach It

2 clever quips
boy in youth baseball program
(Photo: Insight Imaging: John A Ryan Photography via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA)
Baseball requires intense preparation, starting well before the first pitch is every thrown. For this weekend's opening day of the local Little League where I coach, this pre-season demanded an unprecedented amount of ground work.

I’m not talking logistics or the political maneuvering. I mean literal “work on the grounds.”

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Alarming Issues in the Bedroom

4 clever quips

I’ve had some problems with my wife in bed.

It started when she would never get out of it. At least not without repeatedly smacking the snooze button like she was tenderizing a cheap cut of beef or quieting a protester at a Trump rally.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Your Valentine’s Day Side Effects May Vary

0 clever quips

valentines day card

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. For single folks, it’s a day for love and romance; for us marrieds, it’s been there, done that, now hand me the damn remote. 

If only we had paid attention. If only we had heeded the long-term side effects, printed in microscopic lettering on the back of those pink and red Hallmarks, that alerted us to the chances that love may eventually cause children.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Blogger Makes America Grate Again

2 clever quips
Note the location.
The people love me. LOVE. Some say I'm the most popular blogger ever. Tremendously popular. So popular that I had to hire my own press secretary to deal with the attention. Here's a transcript of his first press conference.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Enter the Stand-Up Blogger

0 clever quips

Word from the world of health news is “sitting is the new smoking” sans the nicotine buzz and toasty aroma. That is why I’m writing this standing up, all clear headed and spring fresh.

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My Uncool Past