Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Alarming Issues in the Bedroom

4 clever quips

I’ve had some problems with my wife in bed.

It started when she would never get out of it. At least not without repeatedly smacking the snooze button like she was tenderizing a cheap cut of beef or quieting a protester at a Trump rally.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Your Valentine’s Day Side Effects May Vary

0 clever quips

valentines day card

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. For single folks, it’s a day for love and romance; for us marrieds, it’s been there, done that, now hand me the damn remote. 

If only we had paid attention. If only we had heeded the long-term side effects, printed in microscopic lettering on the back of those pink and red Hallmarks, that alerted us to the chances that love may eventually cause children.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Blogger Makes America Grate Again

2 clever quips
Note the location.
The people love me. LOVE. Some say I'm the most popular blogger ever. Tremendously popular. So popular that I had to hire my own press secretary to deal with the attention. Here's a transcript of his first press conference.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Enter the Stand-Up Blogger

0 clever quips

Word from the world of health news is “sitting is the new smoking” sans the nicotine buzz and toasty aroma. That is why I’m writing this standing up, all clear headed and spring fresh.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Truly Useful Christmas Gifts for this Parent

0 clever quips
christmas gifts presents

Truly Useful Christmas Gifts for this Parent

Dear Santa,
Kris K., my man! How long’s it been? A year? 
Sorry not to be in touch sooner, but you have to take some of the blame. It’s not like you don’t where to find me, Mr. Sees You When You’re Sleeping. Make it easy on me in 2017, and finally get a Snapchat account.
I know it’s always tough coming up with gift ideas for people like me (middle-aged trophy husbands with teenagers and a floundering writing career) so I thought I’d give you some boldface hints. In fact, some of the items on my list will surely benefit many others around the world. Here you go:

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

This Dummy's Guide to Being a Slum Lord

0 clever quips
snidely whiplash slum lord
Slum lord Snidely Uncool, at your service.
Not many people will admit their life’s ambition is to become a slum lord.
However, after spending a week repairing rental homes and the week after changing various bandages on my body, it seems like a solid career move.

My Uncool Past