Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Eats Types and Leaves

I finally own a smartphone.

I know. Big deal.

Who doesn’t own a smartphone in 2013? These days, babies squirt out from between their mothers' legs demanding unlimited data plans.

Yet up until a few months back, I still sported this relic.



Forget apps. With three letters per key on this beast, Tolstoy wrote War and Peace faster than I could text: “You have to call me because I am a frickin’ dinosaur.”

I joined the 21st century shortly before Christmas. My Love was out  upgrading Li’l Diva’s iPhone (you read that correctly, I was out techno-geeked by a 12-year-old girl) when she learned I could glom onto her calling plan at a big discount. Money aside, I think My Love bought me an iPhone simply because she was tired of me whipping out my clamshell in public.

A few months into this new era of communications, I admit it’s nice to finally be part of the in-crowd. I love checking my email while killing time in line at the bank or Tweeting a bon mot while waiting for last night’s shows to rewind in the VCR. In crowded rooms, I bury my head to browse Facebook and Instagram without concern as to where I walk or who is trying to engage me with banter like “Yo, dipshlitz – look out for that open manhole!”

However, owning a smartphone does at times make me seem dumb. Mostly this comes from my lackluster typing skills being more obvious by downsizing from three fingers and a thumb on a full keyboard to a single sausage-sized digit on a virtual keypad smaller than Lady Gaga’s modesty. I try to use the voice-to-text feature whenever I can but that’s embarrassing in public places. Though probably not as embarrassing as my obsession to get Siri to talk dirty to me. Her best effort to date: “Compost, peat moss, humus.”

My keyboarding inadequacies became very apparent when I was in Houston at the Dad 2.0 Summit trying to coordinate sharing a cab from the hotel to the airport. I was having breakfast in one part of the building while my friend was checking out in another, so we exchanged Tweets. Given the urgency to make flights and knowing my lack of typing coordination and speed, I consciously decided to save time by not capitalizing words or using punctuation.

As a result, I sent several of my past English teachers and editors to their graves and spinning.

“Yep. I just finished eating. You in the lobby?” turned into the following statement that will prevent me from ever holding public office:


I can only hope Siri saw that. Maybe she’ll be jealous enough to call me a “filthy, muddy, silt.”


Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and now Instagram where you mostly find out what I’m drinking or what chaos my dog is causing.


  1. Oh, you saucy Tweeter, you! I still don't have a smartphone, though at least mine has a full keyboard and doesn't have the flip. Frankly, I'd rather cart around my ipad than have to try to squint to read the phone screen. But last I checked on upgrading my phone, those sneaky bastards at Sprint are charging a fortune for plain phones, forcing you to get a 'free' smartphone if you upgrade your plan.

    1. I have total keyboard envy. I really wanted one of those Razr phones with the sliding keyboards but gift horse, mouth, etc.

  2. I've gone from a G rated conversation to R in seconds with auto-correct. You're not alone,'ll never be alone. But welcome to the age of your entire family looking down at their phones at a family event. The first time you see that, you realize it's all over. I share some thoughts with this post if interested. Have fun, and look up once in a while. Stay cool,....'er,....uncool.

    The Cheeky Daddy

    1. I hear ya. I do my best to not succumb to the smartphone head bow but -- oh, Angry Birds update!

  3. I wish you'd sent that to me, you saucy minx you.

    1. I think your drunken karaoke berating of me via text were quite enough, sir.

  4. Haaaa. I'm sure that made Laurie's day.

    Matthew had that same phone until LAST YEAR. I had the pink one before I hopped on the iPhone train four years ago.

    1. She did favorite it. The tweet. Stop getting me in trouble, Canadian vixen!

  5. "Money aside, I think My Love bought me an iPhone simply because she was tired of me whipping out my clamshell in public."


    And now I am DYING laughing @ "yep, I just finished eating you in the lobby"

    1. I'm glad I give joy to others, even if it is in inappropriately worded ways.

  6. We upgraded my wife to the Iphone this Christmas. I haven't had a conversation longer than three sentences in two months. Proudly, I am still Cell Phone free.

    The worst part of that, of course, was that it was in the lobby.

  7. The last time my husband got a new phone the pre teen behind the counter was all, "Wow, I've never even seen one of these before." It was that ancient. My husband has been dragged into the modern world kicking and screaming.

  8. I held onto that exact Motorola ohone FOREVER...some days I miss was a good soldier..that thing was a tank. Congrats on joining me in the techno world...where the technology is greater but the actual phone part is suckier! Kelly (and I was shamed by my teenage nephews!)

  9. I refuse to use anything that can outsmart me!



I try to reply to all comments. To receive a reply email, make sure the comment ID you use contains your email address AND click the "Subscribe by email" link before you publish your comment.

Otherwise, you'll need to check back here for my reply.

REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.

My Uncool Past