Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Libraries Plot Against Our Economy

Our local library recently considered cutting its hours of operation to make up for its success (being our state's second busiest library) and failure (raising barely a whiff of money to supplement the whopping 91 percent of its $7.76 million budget that city taxpayers already shoulder).

I don't know. Shuttering these commie holdovers may have benefits. It could help stimulate the economy.

Think of all the book, newspaper and magazine sales lost to these freeloader paradises. Don't forget the video rentals, iTunes downloads and Internet service fees being stolen from the pockets of those pillars of our nation -- multi-international corporations receiving lucrative tax breaks.

And what about the artists in need of royalties to live? Ann Coulter is looking scraggier than usual these days, I theorize, because libraries are stealing the Freedom Fries from her plate.

My city's libraries obviously have too many users and not enough resources. Therefore, they need to institute better crowd control measures.

The main library branch downtown already achieves this somewhat by not having any free parking. However, it also rents space inside to a Starbucks -- a haven for intellectual moochers. Methinks it's time to institute a tall Macchiato tax.

As for the branches and their liberally paved asphalt lots, I'm thinking that city residents should be required to purchase annual $20 "Park and Read" passes from the city, just as they have to to use the beaches in the summer. Oh, some do-gooders will try to be "green" and take public transportation or walk, but that's just another attempt to undercut our nation's devotion to propping up our floundering domestic car manufacturers. These tree-hugging sneaks will be forced to hand over $5 at the door and wear ankle bracelets for further monitoring.

Key to my plan is the library banning people between the ages of 13 and 21 from using their facilities. These essential cogs to our economic development need to be at the mall racking up expensive text messaging bills on their parents' dime between chugs of Red Bull and purchases at GameStop and abercrombie.

But until our fair city wisely institutes these changes, I'll continue to do my part. So excuse me now -- I'm late returning Thing 1's copy of the movie "Hairspray" for the eighth time this year.


  1. I just discovered your blog and am thrilled to see a fellow corporate-survivor-turned-father! I just started a blog on my experiences as a corporate executive, then my world being flipped upside down by my then 8 year old daughter telling me I didnt know her. I now work from home for my own small consulting company... quite the change! (

  2. You did not just refer to libraries as "Commie Holdovers."

    I know some librarians who would beat you around the head with hardcover copies of "The Historian" for that.

    We are actually having the same issue in our little town, building a new library and trying to make it help pay for itself. Not an easy task. My monumental late fees go a long way toward helping with that problem. I'm really almsot better off at Borders, paying for books with the amount of money I run up in fees.

  3. There are still such things as libraries? Gotta check one out again...WOW!!!

    (First time here and I will def be back!)

  4. Yeah, like Blissfully Caffeinated said, our library would be profitable if most patrons were racking up the late fees like I do. And I have to admit, I considered putting a "seasonal hold" on my satellite internet this summer and just using my work pc and taking the kids to the library to play educational games.

  5. You found out my secret! It is a commie plot! I do not do netflix, or file sharing or god forbid, blockbusters for all my music and video needs! A simple walk to the library gives me exercise, social networking and a latte, all for free ( except the latte).
    Power to the people (and libraries!)!

  6. And don't forget, having people with too much book-learnin' walking around is bad for business too. They might end up being smart enough to see through clever marketing and then they won't buy stuff. Then where will our nation's noble crap retailers be?

  7. Stirring up all this trouble for poor librarians.......What's next? Starting a marching band, Mr. Hill?

  8. our library has just built a new kids' section with a gillion gallon salt water fish tank...which is really cool - but how about not closing two elementary schools instead of our tax dollars going to pay for the upkeep of this tank? And what about the eleven thousand friggin' lice and booger transporting puppets that festoon the library shelves and book cases??

    Puppets. Ew.

  9. PS- I shoulda told you this before, but there is something for you over at my place.

  10. I've got a library card on my key chain, but it looks like it is suffering from neglect. Poor thing.

  11. You need to get yourself elected so that we can get these libraries all back on track. Would you do that please?

  12. See i don't even pay attention to stuff like that I just use the library... like every week at least once a week! :)

    But you know that I live in my own little world! lol!

  13. The late fee (which, I'll have you know, I think the library padded) when I returned the copy of Rolling Stone with the Jonas Brothers on the cover(it was only one day late, I'm totally serious) could have kept the doors of our library open on Sundays. Oddly, every time I use our library, I'm stunned by the massive number of employees in relation to the non-massive number of patrons. I sometimes feel like I'm being stalked by helpful librarians. I think they know I work at a bookstore and maybe that threatens them. Hmmm....

  14. West Bengal is Commie Central and I can't discuss it unless I'm armed.
    But the teabag swimsuit thing worked...

  15. Whaaaat!???????! No "perfect game" comparison to "parenting" post yet? I am bummed.

  16. I love my library. I am always amazed by free stuff! I wish that there was more I could do to help them raise money, you know, besides forgetting to return Curious George on time again.

  17. I am a big fan of that ban on teen thing. Being that I spend my school year with that age range I can tell you, they are moochers who are usually plotting against any adult in a ten mile radius. Great Blog by the way

  18. As an aside, I really detest the downtown branch. And I don't find our library system all that great selection-wise either. Yet another reason I miss living in Mass. BUT, I just discovered the Bennett Branch to donate books that were left from the tag sale and that was lovely despite the roof-replacement banging so I may go back.

  19. What a great blog you have here. I can't believe that I haven't spotted it out before. I was wondering if we could exchange links with my humor blog. Let me know.


  20. Red Diaper Doper Babies are taking over the WORLD I tell ya!!! It's insane!!!

    Libraries do have awesome free books on CD though. Delish!

    Good luck with your economic recovery plan, I'm totally backing your bill man!


  21. Ah Ann COulter always looked scraggly- her best days are still scragglefull.



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