Libraries Plot Against Our Economy

Our local library recently considered cutting its hours of operation to make up for its success (being our state's second busiest library) and failure (raising barely a whiff of money to supplement the whopping 91 percent of its $7.76 million budget that city taxpayers already shoulder).

I don't know. Shuttering these commie holdovers may have benefits. It could help stimulate the economy.

Think of all the book, newspaper and magazine sales lost to these freeloader paradises. Don't forget the video rentals, iTunes downloads and Internet service fees being stolen from the pockets of those pillars of our nation -- multi-international corporations receiving lucrative tax breaks.

And what about the artists in need of royalties to live? Ann Coulter is looking scraggier than usual these days, I theorize, because libraries are stealing the Freedom Fries from her plate.

My city's libraries obviously have too many users and not enough resources. Therefore, they need to institute better crowd control measures.

The main library branch downtown already achieves this somewhat by not having any free parking. However, it also rents space inside to a Starbucks -- a haven for intellectual moochers. Methinks it's time to institute a tall Macchiato tax.

As for the branches and their liberally paved asphalt lots, I'm thinking that city residents should be required to purchase annual $20 "Park and Read" passes from the city, just as they have to to use the beaches in the summer. Oh, some do-gooders will try to be "green" and take public transportation or walk, but that's just another attempt to undercut our nation's devotion to propping up our floundering domestic car manufacturers. These tree-hugging sneaks will be forced to hand over $5 at the door and wear ankle bracelets for further monitoring.

Key to my plan is the library banning people between the ages of 13 and 21 from using their facilities. These essential cogs to our economic development need to be at the mall racking up expensive text messaging bills on their parents' dime between chugs of Red Bull and purchases at GameStop and abercrombie.

But until our fair city wisely institutes these changes, I'll continue to do my part. So excuse me now -- I'm late returning Thing 1's copy of the movie "Hairspray" for the eighth time this year.