Monday, August 30, 2010

Meet My Spouse, Flathead

aunt becky whore mouth shirt

Kids, while I’m finishing up these Sea Breezes and Elmore Leonard novels at Blogger Rehab today, your dear Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka will be looking after you.

Aunt Becky is the wisest person I know. In fact, just a few weeks ago she shared with me the most profound statement I believe has ever been uttered, or in this case – texted, in the history of mankind:

Dude. Amazaballs!”

Write hard, Aunt Becky; write hard.

* * *

Last night after my husband, The Daver, and I watched a very nail-biting episode of whatever reality show is currently making me wish I was instead beating myself about the face with a bag of lemons, I sat down nearish to him.

(pat pat pat) "The back of your head is entirely flat at the top."

The Daver (ignoring me entirely)(duh): "Yeah?"

Aunt Becky: "Yeah. And the top kinda makes you look like Predator."

The Daver (still absentmindedly pecking away on his Blackberry): "Yeah?"

Aunt Becky: "I bet your mom dropped you on your head a lot."

The Daver: "That explains a lot."

Aunt Becky (giggles): "You know, we could get you one of those helmets they put kids in now to reshape your skull! Those kids look so CUTE!"

The Daver: "NO."

Aunt Becky (laughing): "Can you IMAGINE walking around with one of those helmets as an adult? I'd decorate it for you! I could write your NAME in glitter! Or put some CHICAGO FIRE emblems on it! You'd look so FANCY going to your Big Boy Job in the Financial District with a helmet on!"

Aunt Becky: *bwahahahahahaha*

The Daver: "I think my skull is done being molded."

Aunt Becky: "Oh."

The Daver: "So don't get any ideas."

Aunt Becky (small voice): "Oh."

The Daver: "Becky? You didn't buy me a helmet, did you?"

Aunt Becky: "....Define BUY."

The Daver: (buries LUMPY head in hands)

Aunt Becky: "It's okay, I'll love you and your misshapen head no matter what! Because THAT'S WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS. TO HAVE, HOLD, AND OBEY...


....Your lumpy head!"

The Daver: "You made the priest take out the 'obey' part. Remember?"

Aunt Becky: "That's because I never obey you."

The Daver: "That's for DAMN sure."

Now that he's remembered that I never obey him, he won't be as mad when he finds out that I ordered him a plagiocephaly helmet for his birthday.

I think the "I love my wife" decals and hearts will make him change him mind and he'll decide that wearing a helmet 23 hours a day is a very good idea indeed.

* * *


We’re Number 1!

No, Number 2.

No, no. We’re Number 1

Wait. We’re back at 2.

That’s how it’s been since Friday in Cure JM’s effort to win a $250,000 Pepsi Refresh grant. Either spot will win the money providing we don’t get lazy and get overtaken by another group come Sept. 1. That’s why we’re not taking chances.

My Love has been working the phones nonstop horse-trading votes.

I gave out voting cards to poop-bag toting patrons at a dog show yesterday.

Father and Sister of the Uncool stuffed random mailboxes around our town.

Even The Mother of All Uncoolness – she who only plugs in the microwave when she needs to defrost green beans and still has me program her answering machine for her -- learned to text message! It’s PANDAMONIUM!!

Please continue to vote today and Tuesday then convince a friend or eight dozen to do the same. Here are the three magic ways to help us each day:

1. Text 100850 to Pepsi (73774) via a cell phone Your cell phone, your kids’, that pony-tailed faux hipster at the coffe shop. Just grab a cell and text.

2. Use the Facebook app:

3. Vote directly from the Pepsi site for our entire Kids to Win team.  You will need to set up a Pepsi Refresh account -- takes a minute and allows you to vote for many great organizations we are partnering with:

And to those of you voting, Tweeting, reTweeting, Facebooking, blogging and selling your vital organs for our cause, thank you for holding on to your big kind hearts.


  1. Is there one that also has tiny speakers for inspirational subliminal messages such as "Sorry guys, the back nine will have to wait. I'd rather go home and scrub the toilet"....?

    Off to vote for Cure JM!

  2. I can think of quite a few men who could use a helmet!!

    Voting! Gah! So close! Nailbiter!

  3. I have a brother with a flat-back head. He used to rub his had back and forth in the crib. Flattened it out like a pancake. Later, as a toddler, he used to bang his forehead against anything that didn't move. It was a vain attempt to flatten the front to match the back. Didn't work cuz he started too late in life @18 months. My guess is the helmet ain't gonna work for your spouse if he's older than 2.

    The up and down of JM has driven me out of my mind. It was, of course, a very short trip. Voted, emailed, tweeted, coerced, begged, FB'd, emailed some more, blogged ~ all before 8 am. Gonna be a long 38.5 hours.

  4. Mine would suggest I might need to wear the helmet soon. In a deceptively solicitous and quietly threatening way.
    And Uncool, I agree that "Amazaballs" = 500 points.

  5. haha. my wife better not get any ideas...

  6. Great good luck with getting the money from Pepsi. I'll look into this voting malarkey, but I live in the UK and our technological limits are extreme.

  7. I just voted and you are currently at #1!!! YEA!!



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