Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Since You’ve Been Gone

My Love and I have not been sleeping together lately.

She’s been on the road for work a lot lately. Mexico. Miami. Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, yeah: cry her a river.

She called me today, sounding a little concerned.

“You haven’t been blogging lately,” she said. Her tone of voice suggested she was anticipating some questionable service charges on my credit card.

“It’s a little hard to string together a coherent sentence around here these days,” I said, “for one reason or another.”

REASON NO. 1: My Achin’ Hammie

I was not kidding you folks. Luckily, it wasn’t too bad. I religiously followed the RICE treatment (rest, ice, Corona, extra dry martinis) and it feels almost normal again. Attempting to write with one’s foot propped up on five pillows while the back of your leg melts through every bag of frozen food from the fridge (when and why did I every buy Brussels sprouts?) is hard enough, but then there was …

REASON NO. 2: My Achin’ Stomach

Thing 1 and I returned from Chicago with, oh, let’s leave it at “an intestinal disagreement.” I spent two days on the couch praying for death or the satellite TV equivalent -- a Dane Cook comedy special. Instead, I watched a lot of Little House on the Prairie reruns. Was there a major 19th-century disease that didn’t find its way to Walnut Grove? I witnessed rabies, typhus and the infamous Oleson family chlamydia outbreak.

REASON NO. 3: My Missing Bathroom

If timing a bad leg with an inability to hold down one’s meals didn’t make life challenging enough, then there was the matter of being down one bathroom. We are renovating the master – a project that conveniently started while My Love was on the road and not so conveniently takes place directly above my office.

bathroom renovation

And, of late, through my office:

pipe in wall

pipes in ceiling

If the banging that shook loose two light fixtures (including the one over my desk) weren’t enough, then there was this:

ceiling hole

That’s the hole the plumber had to make in the ceiling, also above my desk, to drain the liquid from the hot water line puncture created by the flooring guys.

On the upside, I think breathing in all the sawdust and drywall powder help clog my internal plumbing.

“And that’s why I haven’t been blogging lately,” I said. “So today, I said ‘screw it’ and played golf.”

“How’d you do?”

“On one hole, it took me four strokes to get out of a single sand trap. It was the most productive day I’ve had in two weeks.”


  1. HOLY SHIT!!! And I mean that literally. I have been "OUT OF TOWN" in another altitude since last Thursday and arrived home Sunday and went back to work on Monday...needless to say (and some how here I feel self concious)there has been little to no bathroom activity...and the little activity that happened should go away and die and leave me alone.

    Thank and I am sorry.

  2. LIttle House on the Prairie ROCKS! Laura Ingalls is my hero! I've been watching reruns on the Hallmark Channel in the afternoon with our daughters while our son naps. They are amazed at the clothes and the horse drawn transportation.

    Oh..and your water hole in the ceiling matches a recent toilet leak we had here. New home..seal on toilet was never 'set' correctly and therefore had been building up to a nice big ceiling puddle one day. We now have 3 holes in the ceiling from where I poked a broom to relieve the pressure until husband got home with new seal. HUGE MESS.

    Glad you got to golf and feel a sense of productivity.

  3. I feel (some) of your pain. Recently had the two dreaded "oscopies" procedures done, and this after megabucks spent on some plumbing replacement and general house reno tomfoolery.

    Try rice and bananas, that should help. Or have a few more martinis, whichever. :)

  4. Zoinks! That's some serious home upheaval. Bathrooms are the biggest pains in the ass. When we were deciding whether or not to redo one of ours, someone (a contractor, perhaps?) told us that a renovated bathroom can increase home value by 125%. Like schmucks, we fell for it.

  5. Hey, you're back! Nice :-) I've thought about taking a break myself, but I don't have any remodeling to do so perhaps I need to have a good excuse before I do.

  6. Your life is very thematic right now. You're sick, so you're having trouble with your pipes, the pipes in your house are being worked on, and your golf game is in the toilet.

    Also, always love to see Dane Cook take a shot to the grill.

  7. And as if the family didn't have enough problems, Mary then had to go and become blind!

  8. And I thought I had it bad! :)

    I'm sorry Chicago left such a bad taste in your mouth and a disease in your intestines. I apologize on behalf of the city. I feel ashamed. I hope you come back and visit again with much better results!

    Little House on the Prairie. Now that brings me back, as do the photos of your bathroom. I hope you have an operating bathroom in your house and don't have to rely on an outhouse, ala the Ingalls family. :D

    Glad you got to go golfing?

  9. And I thought you men only read in your bathrooms, not write.

    hope it all flushes out soon!

  10. I don't envy the hamstring...owie owie!!! I love that she worries about you because you haven't blogged... my husband would be celebrating!

  11. I've held myself in check for the last couple of days by not emailing to check up on you. Yes, I missed you that much.

    My condolences go out to your children. I'm guessing you made them sit throught LHOP with you and that's just not right.

  12. I haven't been sleeping with My Beloved either. But that's because he snores and keeps me awake.

  13. Did you happen to notice if Pa ever had "the talk" with Half-Pint after she noticed special rags at Olsen's Mercantile? Yesterday was "special assembly" for the 5th graders at school.

    Luckily, my daughter understands the basic truth: "Every month? What a pain in the neck!"

    Hope you feel better soon....in time for "Camp Daddy" (Summer vacation)

  14. Holding down the fort, being Momma and Daddy, dealing with that intestinal thing - well - pretty sure everyone understands.

  15. I only watched Little House to see what that little bitch, Nellie, would do to the goody-two-shoe Ingalls family.

    Home Improvement sucks!

  16. Nellie totally brought the chlamydia to town, huh?
    And on Mother's Day, my mom pointed to some flowers by their front door and said, "Oh, look at the chlamydia!", and since then, I ask her how her chlamydia's doing. Hahaha

    So are you going to post about the first time you use your new throne, once the remodeling is completed?

  17. If the remodeled bathroom comes out well, you will completely forget all the inconvenience. You are using a licensed contractor, right? With a long list of references?

  18. Sounds like you've been having it really rough lately and I know you cannot wait until your love gets home.
    My first husband tried to remodel a bathroom by himself and I lived with a hole in the side of the house in February - in NEW ENGLAND - for 3 months... one of the reasons he is my ex-husband!!
    Your RICE treatment is not the one I remember from my orthopaedist, by I REALLY like yours a hell of a lot better. Is your hammie any better or do you just not give a shit anymore???
    Hope things are better now and you get back to your blog... you make me laugh, and I really could use some laughter, we are in the process of building a new house and trying to sell this one... ARGH!!

  19. The missing toilet is a bit much, especially when your intestines give you grief and the noise does not do you well from construction. Ah but life!~

  20. extremely funny except the chlamydia breakout. chlamydia is no laughing matter.

    i'm in the construction business and remodels are no laughing matter. stuff like the puncture in water pipe by the floor guys always happens, it seems, at least.

    while i'm sorry to read of it, i'm glad to see it's given your superior wit excellent fodder.

  21. I wonder if that's going to be on a psyche profile soon. "How often do you blog? Have you not felt like blogging lately?"... Good luck with your hammie.


REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.


My Uncool Past