Monday, November 30, 2009

Giving Beats Receiving by a Sneeze

christmas cardIf you are on the Uncool Family Holiday Card list this year, you are in for a treat!

You will receive not only the much beloved annual Uncool Family Newsletter but also an actual, old-fashioned printed copy of the first known photo of all five of us in which:
  • We are all simultaneously looking in the same direction.
  • Everybody's eyes are fully open, smiles straight and no questionable hand gestures appear near or behind anyone else's head.
  • The dog is not prominently displaying an inappropriate level of lower extremity "excitement."
But wait! There's MORE!

My Love and I personally placed the photos and newsletters into the envelopes ourselves! One of us gently handled each and every card, warmly sliding it with utmost care and love into the velvety slit and then caressing the flap with our own hot, moist tongues.

Oh, baby, yeah.

As such, this year each card also comes with an extra exclusive BONUS!

As special gift from us to you, receiving one of our holiday cards means you'll find yourself in possession of your very own set of … Uncool Cold Germs!

If after opening the envelope, your nose explodes and you develop a persistent cough that rattles you down to your kidneys (and possibly causes unexpected fluid leakage) then you have a card handled by My Love. Opening ones from me will only make the inside of your throat feel like it is being bathed in a searing flow of gravel, rust flakes and glass shards.

Lysol, anyone?


  1. Is there anyway I can get one of the cards from the dog?

  2. Uh, I'll take an Ecard and my chances.


  3. Can I squirt purel IN my mouth?
    Save yer stamp!

  4. Yeah, listen, I'll just take one with the inappropriate levels of lower extremity excitement, m'kay? Got any outtakes laying around?

  5. Okay, I didn't even get to read your post. You had me at "Wanted Women: 23 to 67" directly under your header. Flashing at me no less! I guess you are just sharing a little Holiday Cheer and looking for some Christmas Ho, Ho, Hos.....

    (PS. What do you charge to write a Christmas Letter when we have basically led the same life we led last year?.... Just asking. A talent for fiction is a plus.?)

  6. Ew. Well, don't worry about a card for me then, save your stamps.

    What, you weren't going to send me one?

  7. Rubber Gloves. Please place in condom before mailing...

  8. I love the ones that aren't perfect. We aren't sending ANYTHING out this year. Nope. We suck.

  9. Nice meeting you last night. Sara now plans to write a children's picture book titled "Criminally Bad Elf." Hope you didn't lick off the label!

  10. I'm sending your link to all of those people that ask why I don't send their christmas newsletter via Snail Mail :).

    Congrats on the picture!!!

  11. Uh-just glad that I don't really know you! Consider the pic of the card in your post good enough for me & right back at ya! :)

  12. I hate christmas newsletters. I wrote one a few years ago and sent it to everyone in the extended family. It was way less than satisfying. Yours sounds much more fun.



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