Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Gimme 3 Steps (Away from that Crowded Gym)

Time once again for me to put on my imitation doctor’s coat (and maybe some pants) to offer you dear readers a healthy dose of my reality when it comes to your health. Enjoy. – Dr. Uncool, Ph.D., D.V.M., M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I

Resolved to have a healthy 2011? Yeah, yeah, yeah -- get in line, pal.

exercise motivationNo, not that line six-deep for the elliptical.

Gyms crowded with the jiggling masses of resolute resolution-makers are the unhealthiest places to be in January.

Cardio equipment drenched in Staphylococcus-infested sweat!

Barbells bathed in rhinovirus-tinged mucous flakes!

Air heavy with guilt over the 17 pounds of homemade peppermint bark wolfed down during the annual New Year's Day Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy!

January should be all about making a better you, but within the safe confines of your own home. Considering the shape you're in, do you really want to wear those booty-hugging workout shorts in a public setting?

Thought not. So, don't worry -- I got your back.

And your ample backside.


You could start with the latest fad diet. (What is it these days? The Cookie Diet? The Cookie Puss Diet? The Cokie Roberts Diet?) However, the words "latest" and "fad" should clue you in that these are temporary solutions that will soon leave you in the McFatburger drive-thru lane off life’s highway.

Your best approach to reforming your gluttonous ways and developing better habits, at least according to all the chick magazines my wife subscribes to, is by keeping a food journal.

(Aside: You women do realize these magazines just present new combinations of the same 23 tips about sex, diet and fashion every few months, right? The most groundbreaking thing in each article is usually the level of hyperbole in each headline like "Learn the Naughty Skill to Dress Thinner! So You Can Powerfood Your Way to a Tighter Tush!! That He'll Love to Discuss with Sensitively!!! FAT-FREE!!!!")

How does writing down every little sweet, salty, fat-enhanced calorie make you lose weight? I'm guessing self-induced embarrassment.

When you write down the fact that the half a box of Entenmanns's Rich Frosted Chocolate Donuts you devoured for breakfast meant you crammed 1,200 calories and 80 grams of fat down your gullet, you naturally start to re-evaluate your food choices. Gorging on a half box of Entenmanns's Crumb Donuts would have saved you 200 calories and 32 grams of fat, Porky! I just saved you like 6 sit-ups!

You may be tempted to share your food journal, thinking you'll get much needed support and admiration from others. Maybe. Or maybe it'll be like that time Arbitron sent you two shiny quarters to record your radio listening habits for two weeks and you somehow kept misspelling "Howard Stern" as "NPR."


You'd be surprised how much heart-healthy, calorie-burning exercise you can get just by doing the housework you've been neglecting or hiring others to do for you, you lazy elitist slob.

Let's start in the kitchen. When was the last time you:

  • Moved your refrigerator and swept out of the three feet of dust bunnies, lost takeout menus and fallen magnets from defunct dry cleaners?
  • Defrosted your freezer using only ball bearings and old toothbrush?
  • Scoured the burnt stuff off from under each and every pan with just elbow grease, a waffle and three jiggers of Nutella??

I thought so. Now, c’mon and get dirty so later you and your loved one can, you know, get dirty together.


Stress is the No. 1 silent killer in most U.S. households (though in ours, dried apricots hold a distinctive “Silent but Deadly” title of their own). The best thing you can do to relieve stress, you can do lying down. And by yourself!

That's right -- sleep.

A long-term lack of regular sleep has been linked to all sorts of evils, such as obesity, diabetes – even making out with Snooki from Jersey Shore. To prevent this, you should aim to get a minimum of seven solid hours of ZZZZZs a day, and yes -- you can count any time you spent catatonic from the mindlessness of watching TMZ, infomercials or any movie featuring Ashton Kutcher.

Follow these three steps and by Valentine's Day, you'll be rested, revved and raring to re-hire your cleaning service. Then, head to the nearest gym which should be fairly deserted because the other resolution makers have already given up, opting to burn calories through a Necco Sweethearts sugar frenzy.

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  1. You are so right about women's magazines. The same stuff over and over, it is stupid. I never buy them anymore.

  2. My women's magazines are completely different. They tell me how to "Boink His Head off without him even knowing it."

    And take that, Ashton Kutcher! You son of a b**ch.

  3. thanks for this and it is a simple act of burning more calories then you eat. to bad the simple things are the hardest to do

  4. "Rhinovirus-tinged mucous flakes" - sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever.

    I notice you don't mention Doritos...hehheh, I have an out! (crunchcrunch)

  5. My refrigerator can be moved?

  6. I hate all things "diet" as I was raised by a diet freak. I did, however, participate in an online food log for a little over a month. It gave me a decent insight to my eating habits, reinforcing what I had suspected all along. I don't eat nearly enough vegetables and my portion sizes are too large. Even if I cut my portions I still won't drop a pound if I don't kick up my caloric usage. There's no magic pill for that, is there?

    I hate exercise even more. ugh

  7. As an American Woman, I resent the above post. Just sayin'

    But yeah, wiping off sweat from the equipment at the gym isn't my idea of healthy living. And I'm here to say, the food journal thing does work...just set a limit to your daily calorie intake and STOP when you hit that mark. Even if it's by 10 a.m.

  8. NOTE: Cocotte is referring to a troll/spam comment that was left that I have since deleted, not MY post. I think.

  9. Luckily, I don't give a shit about working out or getting into shape. Or women's magazines. Or Valentine's Day.
    Huh. I am a crabby bitch. :)

  10. I can't wait till all the *men* give up and leave my Hot Yoga class. I love that my husband attends with me, but he already knows not to breathe heavily or make grunting noises. But Yoga does have the advantage of your own mat, towel and space, even if you must share the same air.

  11. Kev: Regarding your Moxie Mona blog of 2009,

    I saw "The Horror of Party Beach" being filmed by the immortal schlock flick impressario Del Tenney at West Beach and the Cummings Beach rock wall. Yes, I'm that old. If parts of it were filmed at Cove Island, I never noticed them. I have a HOPB page on Facebook that honors the cinematic masterpiece.

  12. I completely agree with you about January at the gym...


    Seriously when the gym is crowded, I feel like it makes me GAIN weight.

  13. I love it. Sensinble. Sarcastic. Genious.

    Plus the post had two other less obvious postitives for me.
    1. It sent me into a Lynard Skynard singing marathon.
    2. The talk abou Entenmanns reminded me of the Seinfeld where Elaine eats the Petermans old cake.

    This was the post that keeps on giving.

  14. How about this: what if I eat a double chili cheese burger and fries glazed with nutella WHILE cleaning the bathroom to burn off those calories? And then follow that up with a three hour nap?

    I'm just trying to follow your instructions. Please help me help myself.

  15. Come on Dude. Can't I just be fat and happy? :)

  16. I like your technique! Women's magazines prove one thing conclusively. It's that people will read anything and believe it provided the advice being spewed sounds authoritative while making life seem really easy. I too have a dislike for gyms. Much easier to just get out and walk. Plus, walking is free.

  17. ". . . in the McFatburger drive-thru lane off life’s highway." That, my friend, may be the finest partial sentence I've ever read.

  18. Magazines are paper-based spam. Your reference to Cookie Puss just took me back many more years than I care to admit. We are getting up there, my friend.

  19. Every time I cook I have to clean. Which makes me hungrier from all the work. Plus, standing around looking a left overs is sad, so I'd rather just kill them off right there.

  20. eat write? Eat and Write?

    Hell, pass the chips.

  21. Alright, Uncool man...get this. I've lost almost 60 lbs and not One bit was lost in a gym or with any kind of equipment or weights. We don't need no stinkin' gym!

    And for the love of bacon, if one more person asks me what my "secrets" are, I may slap the stupid out of them. The secrets are exactly what you mentioned. Everyone already knows the answer. They just never want to do the work.


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