Friday, April 1, 2011

The Uncool Sell Out

After much consideration and consternation, I have decided to sell the massive assets of “Always Home and Uncool.”

This site will now be run by KRP Communications Inc., a Hoboken, N.J.-based public relations firm that in the last several months has won me over with their endless email pitches for life-changing products aimed at you, my 42 semi-loyal readers.

From now on, KRP Communications will pimp their clients’ wares and host giveaways on this site for such amazing items as:

ENVYSPERM - A groundbreaking new nonprescription formula growth and conditioning serum for fuller, longer and stronger little swimmers. Endorsed by Jim Bob Duggar!

my beautiful mommy plastic surgery book for kidsMY BEAUTIFUL MOMMIES – The groundbreaking new children’s book on plastic surgery among lesbian parents. “Plastic surgery among married lesbians, especially the lipstick variety, is very popular and becoming a common reality. Cosmetic surgery can be a difficult topic to understand for people who get all their news from Fox, and even more so for children who can’t understand why mom’s fun bags are now the size of basketballs,” said author Dr. Mickey Schlock. “I wanted to provide my female lesbian type patients with a tool, to coin a phrase, that speaks to kids in a kid-friendly way. I kid you not.” 

THE GETTHEE2ABAR METHOD PREGNANCY DVD – Developed and perfected by drunken singles all over the world, the GetThee2ABar Method is the proven way to get knocked up without really trying! Britney Spears and her little sis, Jamie Lynn, swear by it!

Why did I sell my blog? Let me share with you the cunning insight that  KRP CEO, Kathleen R. Plotzwit, recently passed on to me:

“Hi Mr.,

We love your blog! Especially that post about your kids! They say/do the darned things, don’t they? I wouldn’t know – I’m barren.

Would you be interested in running this photo of Cocoon: The Return star Steve Guttenberg standing next to an unidentified dog that is standing next to our client’s product? Let me know if you want me to send you hi-res images and/or Steve Guttenberg in a shiny, short wet suit.”

steve guttenberg shiny body suit and a dogHow can I continue to fight that kind of tenacity, drive and determination to give you what you didn’t even know you needed? I mean, Steve Freakin’ Guttenberg!

Have a nice life, friends! Come visit me on the Riviera!


  1. Did they give you enough to buy your very own shiney short wetsuit?

  2. That picture gave me erectile dysfunction. Will your new corporate sponsors be able to help me with that?

  3. Nobody ever needed to see Steve Guttenburg's junk like that.

  4. Is that Robocop over the Gute's right shoulder?

  5. The dog's face pretty much sums it up for me.

  6. I didn't know I needed a piece of Gute until I read this post. Thanks for the public service announcement.

  7. Steve Guttenberg's penis just winked at me.

  8. Well, I guess we know Guttenberg's religion.

  9. When I see stuff like this it gets me revaluating my thoughts on America.

  10. Very funny until I got to Steve Guttenberg. Then just very disturbing.

  11. My eyes! My eyes!

  12. I loved Steve in Short Circuit.

    Joan Rivers is a goblin.

    Oh, gotta go, I was on hold with the EnvySperm people.

  13. Ummm, eww. And, BRAVO! Save me a chair and one of those drinks with the little umbrellas in them, will ya? Selling out is underrated... only the cool, ahem, I mean 'uncool' kids are doing it.


  14. Lurvly. I had a comment but was knocked senseless by that photo.

  15. Oh, PLEASE tell me they gave you enough to do a giveaway!!

  16. Holy cow you had me in that first paragraph. :-) I honestly believed you sold you blog.
    Then I got to the Steve Guttenberg pic and remembered how dreamy he is and how lucky I am to be one of your 42 semi loyal readers.
    You made my day and I love you for it.
    Rock on Steve Guttenberg. Rock on.

  17. Never in my whole life, until this very moment, did I think I'd ever wonder and want to know what side The Gute tucked the nuts and berries, but now that I DO know, I kind of feel at peace with so many things. Thanks, pal!


REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.


My Uncool Past