Lost in Political Translations

The leaves have started changing colors all around us so that means the nuts have started falling out of the trees and into campaigns for elected office.

With so many prestigious titles up for grabs this year (governor, U.S. representative, most likely to get snarled in a sexting scandal), the voting public needs to fully understand just what the heck these would-be office-holders stand for. You'll hear or read a whole of mess of sound bites filled with buzzwords from candidates over the next few weeks, so I'm providing the following guide as a public service to help you understand exactly what these folks are saying out of both sides of their mouths:

"My opponent is a tax-and-spend liberal." (My opponent is not ruthless enough to hire a coterie of shysters to hide all his wealth in shell corporations and offshore accounts. Either that or worse: he's poor.)

"I am a fiscal conservative but a social progressive." (I only hire day laborers.)

"I did not have sexual relations with that person." (We have exchanged the occasional photo of our naughty bits.)

"I am a political outsider." (Having run out of schemes for accumulating personal wealth and market power in the private sector, I find it's time for me to suck on the people's teat.)

"We need to once again make America the world leader in education." (My administration will throw as many crackpot programs with catchy names as it can think of at the problem until we confuse parents into believing we are taking meaningful action.)

"I care less about Wall Street and more about Main Street." (I have campaign contributors who own large swathes of property along Main Street.)

"He's a fascist dictator who is moving us toward the radical socialism of Marx." (I did not major in political science.)

"I have real-life, hands-on business experience." (I'm your man if our government ever inherits its daddy's investment firm.)

"Government has become too bloated. We must trim the fat." (If elected, my office happy hours will only feature light beer and Skinnygirl margaritas.)

"She's trying to take away your Second Amendment rights." (No way in hell am I saying anything that will tick off someone with ready access to guns and ammunition.)

"My opponent isn't business-friendly." (I have no qualms about greasing palms.)

"Privatization will greatly reduce government spending and waste." (Privatization will greatly increase the odds of my friends and relatives receiving kickbacks.)

"We must raise the minimum wage." (As a career politician, I have never had a real job. If I lose this election, my only option for employment will be draining grease out of the fryer at my local McDonald's.)

"I am a proven job creator." (I recently hired an additional houseboy for my Aspen chateau.)

"My plan offers tax relief for the middle class." (My plan will lead to businesses to increase job outsourcing to China. Fewer middle-class jobs, less middle-class income: hence, they pay less in taxes.)

"I have never smoked marijuana." (I enjoy a good hash brownie.)