Answering the Questions No One Asks Me

The time has come, the blogger thought, to write of many things. So let’s once again reach into my imaginary mailbag to see what real topics are on the minds of people who would need real help if they imagined I could provide any.

What can be done to bring back diplomacy that would lessen the threat of nuclear war between the United States and North Korea? — Signed, Stop Pushing His Button

Thanks for starting me with an easy one, Stop! No one seems capable of preventing our Antagonizer-in-Chief from spouting, to the camera or the Twitterverse, his special brand of taunting that would otherwise get your fourth-grader suspended from school, so forget that route. Would he benefit from an intense one-on-one with Miss Manners? No, that would only turn into a debate over who wears their updo best.

One thing we know is President Trump loves watching television. Maybe we can interrupt “Fox & Friends” for a special rebroadcast of “The Day After,” the 1983 TV movie about nuclear holocaust that scared the bejesus out of 100 million Americans and started a serious policy debate. Following the recent false alarm about a missile strike on Hawaii, I rewatched the movie — it’s free on YouTube — and despite being dated and slow to start (50 minutes of character introductions and five minutes of panic before the bombs hit), it’s still powerful and haunting. This despite it featuring the actor who played Flounder in “Animal House” AND Steve Guttenberg.

“The Day After” supposedly has a profound effect on then-President Ronald Reagan. He wrote in his diary he found the film “very effective and left me greatly depressed,” leading to a change of heart in his beliefs about nuclear policy. Maybe lightning can strike twice before the bombs explode once.

Speaking of movies, which is most likely to win this year’s Academy Award for Best Picture? — I Laughed, I Cried, I Ate Raisinets

The one you didn’t see.

How can we stop kids from hurting themselves with this stupid laundry detergent pod challenge? — We Must Turn the Tide

Those colorful swirl packets of cleaning agents have long been the bane of parents. First because of the fear that little children will mistake them for candy with sickening, if not deadly, results; and now because grown children have been posting videos of each other doing exactly what mom and dad warned them years ago that they should never do. Solution: Reverse psychology. Require manufacturers to start designing detergent pods to look like Brussel sprouts.

You are an absolute hack. Please stop writing. You are not worth the paper your meager check is printed on. — You Not Da’ Man

I know. That’s why I get paid by direct deposit.