Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Best Father’s Day Gifts Ever (if you really hate a dad)

The Always Home and Uncool inbox has been overflowing of late with marketing and PR e-mails purporting to contain great gift ideas for dads this upcoming Father’s Day. However, these products are not so great as to cause the manufacturer’s advertising department to wire even the tiniest amount of money into my PayPal account in exchange for the publicity. Hence, they will now get what they pay for:

Male performance ‘shapewear’
Spanx for men

Nothing says, “Dad, I love you,” like the gift of Spanx for men. Now, I know what the undershirt and underwear are trying to lift and separate, but what’s with the $45 socks? Are they bionic? Do they take out the recycling or walk the dog?

Lounge chairs for your bed
hot chick in a lame lounge chair

Though this looks far more useful than the 83 throw pillows we currently have on our bed, a few points need to be raised:

1. If you are trying to sell this as a gift for dads (at just $220!), what’s with the photo of the woman using it? Is she included or just an optional feature?

2. And why the hell is she wearing my $45 performance socks?

A ‘Mommy Makeover’
botox is for wusses

OK, this PR pitch I received about pimping a South Carolina plastic surgeon who wants to help moms get back their pre-baby bodies via boob jobs, tummy tucks and general Heidi Montag-ization wasn’t explicitly labeled as a Father’s Day gift idea. But how else can you explain it being sent to me – a dad blogger with one perfect honey of a wife – during early June? Oh, right – stupidity.

‘Intelligent’ toothbrushes
stupid toothbrushes

What message does this send a guy? You embarrass me with your unsightly plaque? You’re too dumb to master up and down, not side to side?

And now a gift that a dad might really like – no kidding:

sugar milk by ron mattocksIf you have a dad in your life who likes a good book, let me recommend one to you: Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka by Ron Mattocks, who some of you may know in the blogosphere as the guy with a Coldplay fixation who also writes Clark Kent’s Lunchbox.

Even though I have met Ron and his vastly superior wife, Ashley, and he has vaguely helped raise some cash for and awareness of Cure JM for me, the man has never asked me to plug his book. The bastard wouldn’t even send me a freebie copy to review. If I sent him the copy I bought -- at full retail price, mind you -- I’m sure he’d expect me to cover the return postage.

With that disclosure out of the way, let me say Ron wrote a very amusing book about his struggles with unemployment, divorce, computer dating and being a stepdad to two clever little girls who need to be properly compensated with heaps of homemade pancakes (made with fresh milk, you cheap so-and-so) for providing him with so much funny material. I laughed, I giggled, I shot good beer out of my nose.

Ron – you make us dad bloggers proud.

Tune in Friday to learn what I’m giving My Love and The Things for Father’s Day.

18 comments:

  1. Nothing says I love you like a making giving Mommy a nap and kiss with freshly minted breath!

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  2. I think I got that mommy makeover pitch. I thought to myself "jeez, that's dumb." Male performance body shaping whatevermabobbit. That's weird and slightly insulting :-)

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  3. Bwahahaha! That's the funniest disclaimer anyone's ever written. I've never felt like such a cheapskate in all my life... no wait, there's that thing with the milk. But I would totally pay for the postage to make it up to you. We'll just skimp on TP around here for a few weeks... and I'll send back the toothbrush you were pitching that I just got for my dad.

    Seriously though, thanks for the promo. And yes, I'm lucky to have a wife who makes up for my social awkwardness and ineptitude.

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  4. Spanx sox? Do men get cankles? Mankles?

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  5. As far as that lounge chair goes, I'll bet you a buck that the "woman" doesn't come with batteries.

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  6. Now, why would I want an Intelligent toothbrush that makes me feel even dumber than I already am? As it is, I get plenty of that from my Genius Razor, my Smarty Pants Deodorant, and my National Merit Scholar Nasal Strips.

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  7. The pic of the chair with the woman in it is to show that it works. Because if it's comfortable, do you really think the husbands will be the ones who get to use it?

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  8. Well, is she an option? 'Cause I'm thinking $220 would be a bargain!

    Oh, crap, I don't have $220...

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  9. Does the underwear really lift and separate? Will it stop that "shifting" that needs to be done (or, adjusting)? If so, I am buying him that shit fo sho.

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  10. Thank you for reminding me! I had completely forgotten. We need more Fruit Loops.

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  11. I'm kind of intrigued by the idea of how lazy one would have to be to have a comfortable easy chair atop their bed. Then I realize that, honestly, that's almost the height of glory in my mind.

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  12. I got an email from a British company that wanted me to pimp lawn mowers and other crap for "the shed" for outrageous prices. Like 400 pounds for an electric mower! (It was an Aston-Martin, but still...)

    I just got _Sugar Milk_ in the mail today, along with _Manhood for Amateurs_ and _Daddy Shift_. I'm going to know everything about being a dad soon.

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  13. I'm not going to lie, the lounge chair looks pretty freakin awesome--so maybe they thought if you put it up the women would buy it, maybe not for their man, but for themselves?

    I keep meaning to get that book... Since you have I guess I must, since I blindly follow to do whatever you tell me!

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  14. I totally want bionic socks. I think I might change my blog name to "45 dollar man" after I get them.

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  15. you're writing is so clever, buddy. loved the socks crack on the mega-hottie using the bed lounger.

    and here, here on Ron's book. it would make a great father's day gift for anyone.

    i hope you have a great father's day, my friend. as always, great read...

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  16. male spanx. genius.

    why can't *I* invent nice things

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  17. Just too funny!

    $45 socks for Dad. Just what he always wanted!

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