Monday, June 14, 2010

I’ll Take a Mulligan

My pinpoint accuracy in golf is legendary.

If by “accuracy” you mean my ability to inadvertently hit objects that I am not aiming for but would be pretty impressive to nail if I actually was.

Anyone can hit a tree or a golf cart or even another golfer (sorry about that random middle-age guy circa 1985 in Pound Ridge, N.Y.), but hitting small man-made objects from takes a certain talent. These include:

divot repair box A divot repair box.

yardage markers
Fairway yardage markers.

golf cart directional sign Golf cart directional signs.

My specialty, however, is tee markers. These are placed at the start of a hole to show you where you must tee up your ball depending on your ability. Below is an example of the white tees that most courses use to show where the average male golfer (me) should hit from: 
teeing off 
Some yards in front of these are usually a set of red markers. These are where the average female golfer tees off from and those are the ones that, roughly once a year, I hit with a low errant drive. As the ball skims the grass, you can almost hear the worms scream in terror.

In 2010, I have been very good about avoiding the ladies’ tee markers. Then I took a three-day golf weekend with some friends the other day.

Oh, I avoided the ladies’ tee markers just fine.

It was the mens’ markers – the ones I hit from – I failed to avoid.

And, as you can tell from the way the man is lined up in the above photo, that is a pretty hard feat to accomplish when the markers are not in front of you, but AT A 90-DEGREE ANGLE TO YOUR SIDE.

Since the tee markers were made of granite and solidly set and our tee box was elevated above the previous hole, this what happened:

how not to hit a golf ball

I’m not expecting to be invited to next year’s outing.


  1. Hahahahaha
    Well, at least I'm not the only shanker in the world. :)

  2. That is the most awesomely hilarious diagram of a bad golf shot I think I've ever seen. Those guys with their mouths wide open, agape! HAHAHAHA.

  3. I once destroyed one of those ball washers that Carl Spackler was so fond of with an errant drive. Two of my buddies were standing on either side of it to the right of the tee box and it went directly between them at a million miles an hour to bust it up.

    They stayed well behind me on drives after that, and I'm still not sure they felt 100% safe.

    My favorite thing I ever hit with a golf ball was another golfer. This group in front of us, instead of just playing a little faster, took the time to stand aside and wave us up to hit on every hole. Not letting us play through, mind you. Just a weird form of courtesy that formed a perpetual cycle of us playing directly on their asses while a 2-hole gap opened up in front of them. After 9 holes of this, I told one of my buddies that the next time they did it I would be aiming for them. And I did. And I hit one of them. Right in the back. Jerk should have been watching...and playing faster.

  4. Maybe the CIA could pair us up together to fight terrorism. My husband took me golfing......once, circa 1985. I'm not sure he or Weymouth Country Club have recovered.

  5. Did your ball bounce off the water? That's pretty impressive! Now that Tiger has lost sponsors, you might be looking at some extra cash!

  6. Tee he! I bet they invite you next year for the laugh factor and to make them look like pro golfers! lol

  7. Yeah, but can you hit a tree and have the ball bounce back at you and hit you?

    Because I can. And did. That s*&t hurt, man.

  8. Reason #109765 why I stay away from the links.

    That drawing is the best thing I've seen on the net in weeks. You are so uncooly awesome to want to get extra points on the 15th hole. I applaud you and bow to your uncoolness.

    Yes, you'll be invited back next year, unless they book some other form of entertainment.

  9. The Haney Project: Uncool Edition

  10. My husband was playing golf with my Dad (at my parents country club for the first time) when he hit a tee shot and the head of his club snapped clean off, landing farther from the tee box than the actual ball.

    To make matters worse, the Club then carded him at the 19th hole.


  11. Trick golf shots. You're like the Minnesota Fats of golf.


  12. Who's the golfer in the picture covering his/her eyes in shame? A close friend or relative, I'm guessing?

    P.S. When in doubt, just be cocky. You meant to do that, just to shake things up a little.

  13. Reading this post made me realize something. The reason I don't golf isn't because I can't hit a ball to save my life. Nope. I think I just realized the reason I don't golf is because, if all courses appear like your expertly drawn replica, I'm afraid I'll catch a disease. That looks like a petri dish of scary!

    (seriously...I can't even knock out a miniature golf course without annoying the hell out of the people behind me waiting for me to knock that damn ball through the windmill)

  14. I'm still laughing about the Minnesota Fats of golf comment.


  15. So I could totally golf with you. Awkwardness loves company!

  16. I think you and I might actually enjoy golfing together. How's your beer game?

  17. I'm with Whit. Golf is merely an expensive drinking game -- with funny pants.


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My Uncool Past