Friday, June 18, 2010

Happy Father’s Day! You’re Being Replaced By Rosie O’Donnell.

Since it is far better to give than receive, this Father's Day I shall bestow a special gift to my children: a divorce from their mother.

Don't worry about my soon-to-be ex-wife as she'll will make out, too, so to speak. I'll be finding her a lesbian partner.

Before you start thinking that this is some dirty replaced by rosie odonnellmiddle-age man fantasy (though it does sound like a terrific premise for a Fox sitcom), note that I'm making the decision based on ideas from -- gasp -- another woman. She is Pamela Paul, a journalist and author of groundbreaking books on pornography (she says it's bad!), marriage (it's difficult!) and the business of parenting (companies feed on our insecurity to sell us overpriced, unnecessary stuff!).

In her article "Are Fathers Necessary?" appearing in the July/August issue of The Atlantic magazine, Paul cites a single scientific journal article that compiled data from several other studies to determine that my fellow fathers and I bring nothing special to the parenting table. She reaches this conclusion because the study she uses found that children of single moms do better in school and in life than those of single dads. The data she uses also finds that lesbian parents tend to be more emotionally involved with their children than those of traditional husband-and-wife couples, who tend to raise little ones who have more behavior problems, less interest in school and, as adults, give less credibility to the findings of questionable scientific studies.

"The bad news for Dad is that despite common perception, there's nothing objectively essential about his contribution (to parenting)," Paul writes. "The good news is, we've gotten used to him."

This pronouncement came as a relief to Ms. Paul's husband. Meanwhile, their children have been spotted pleading for asylum outside the home of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi.

With me soon to be out of the fathering game, the question is what am I going to do with myself. With my services apparently no longer needed to teach my offspring how to use proper breath control while burping the alphabet or how to correctly position their hands to maximize the volume of armpit flatulence sounds, I'll have a load of free time.

The Atlantic doesn't offer me or other fathers any help here. The same issue has another article, titled "The End of Men," that says that we males are losing ground everywhere: in the classroom, in the workplace, in possession time of the TV remote. We don't fit in anywhere anymore because, out of the goodness and/or laziness of our saturated-fat clogged hearts, women now are setting the rules. They are apparently breaking them as well, as the article notes rising rates of violent crimes committed by women. In essence, they're acting like men when men were men and women were known as the fairer, gentler sex.

Maybe that was their gender's whole ploy from the beginning. Women's suffrage, feminism, ABC Afterschool Specials like Free to be … You and Me -- on the surface, they were a call for equality among the sexes, but bubbling underneath, they may have been a nefarious scheme to take over traditional male dominance in vital categories such as having a shorter life span and more cell space on death row. If nothing else, this approach has certainly led to women kicking our tails in the competition to write more outrageous articles for major media publications. Well played, ladies, very well played.

That's it! Once I become free from my chains of fatherhood, I'll be able to fully pursue my next full-time role – editor of a once credible, now irrelevant magazine.

Anyone know if there's an opening over at Ms.?

Video: I Wish I Was a Lesbian by Loudon Wainwright III

Video: “I Wish I Was a Lesbian,” Loudon Wainwright III

If you are a lesbian or thinking of becoming one and you would like to replace a father in an otherwise heterosexual family, please send your applications to Tell her I sent you.

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  1. Wow. Sounds like a really really really well-researched article, for sure. Interestingly, it's the fourth article I've read or heard about this week that is commemorating Father's Day by pointing out the uselessness of fathers. Intriguing. They've almost convinced me that I'm superfluous.

  2. I know that bitch didn't say daddyblogs are irrelevant...

  3. Okay, I didn't even read this blog yet. The photo alone was enough to make me snort coffee out my nose with laughter.

  4. On a more serious note...

    1. Around here a Dad is required to ride roller coasters.

    2. "Free to be ... You and Me" - can't believe you remember that!

    3. I'm thinking more along the lines of Teen Vogue.

    4. Happy Father's Day!

  5. Can I put in an order for Portia De Rossi?

  6. So this would explain my entire life amounting to nothing. It's all because my parents are actually a man and a woman.

    Huh! Who knew? I should hang out with my lesbian friends more often so I can become better at life.

  7. There is no way any woman in the world is going to be better than me at teaching my son how to objectify women or my daughter the fact that she is merely a commodity in a patriarchal world. What a bunch of malarky.

    I'm going to go RT this piece now.

  8. In other words... we're the betamax of human evolution.

  9. Funny, sad and ironic. I liked the interview Colbert did with the writer of the End of Men article. The discussion included such topics as the need for affirmative action for men and the rise of "mannies."

    BTW, when I first saw that family photo I really thought that was Rosie. The exercise program's really working for you. Happy Father's Day!

  10. Hey, thanks for a funny take on a article that is truly lame!


  11. Meant to say "an article," not "a article" above...

  12. well now. i think that's the most ridiculous thing. i'm not an authority on the subject by any means, but i am a woman who was married to a man who had 4 kids together. then i traded him in for a woman. but i still need him. they still need him. to quote him, "someone has to be the bad example."

    i'm kidding! i can't imagine their lives or mine without him. he's a great guy and a great father.

    (but he really did say that about me in a moment of frustration)

    families that start with a dad and then trade him in for another mom might have a few dysfunctional fights ahead. just to get comfortable with the idea.

    i'm sure families with 2 moms are more tolerant than traditional families only because they have probably been treated poorly and have had to adapt to a life where tradition trumps their lives on a daily basis. those kids might be more adaptable, less likely to cry about not getting their way, and better equipped to work harder to make something of themselves.

    then again everything i've said could be a bunch of malarky.

  13. It's a good thing you've taught Your Love all about keeping a scorecard during a baseball game. Given how few Mets fans are actually out of the closet about their fandom, I'm guessing there aren't too many eligible lesbian Mets fans to carry on the Uncool traditions. Or would Your Love become cool if you're out of the picture? Heavy thoughts today.

  14. I'll go ahead and have the mums report in, though. I'm pretty sure they haven't applied anywhere and that can't be good.

  15. But who will kill spiders and other bugs?
    What a stupid bitch.

    But think of all the free blogging time you'll have!!

  16. Both your post and the original give new meaning to 'tongue in cheek' jouralism.

    {put that in your oven mitts and grill on it for a while , huh?)

  17. Your poor wife. Outlook not so Rosie there.

    What a load of crap.

  18. Fine post... but down to brass tacks: I hope you enjoy that beer, 'cause I'm not really a big fan of air hockey and I'm pretty sure I don't need any cheap brochures printed.
    (Unless I become an air hockey table salesman?)

    Nevertheless, beer is worthy and I'll keep clicking for the cause.

    Happy father's day.

  19. Don't worry. At this point we still need sperm donors. Probably a few other roles, none come to mind right now, but I'm sure they will. But you're pretty safe with the donor thing alone.

  20. Who's going to demonstrate to sons how to whiz in the potty? Or take the kids to practice their driving? Dads have very important roles in our society.

    I'm wondering how the gay dad couples feel about this?

  21. Well since I never became a father, does that mean i am still useful? Those are the truly ponderous questions i must ask myself after reading this post!

  22. I wanted to make a good comment but, according to the article, I don't have anything useful to bring to the table. I guess I will go back to playing golf.

    1. nice one, I'm father of four boys and one or two lesbians around the house would come in hand to take car of the chores I can't be assed to do.

  23. Really? Hmmmm. So my children will do worse in life because they had a mom and a dad, and not two moms, or a single mom raising them? I see. I wish I could talk to Pamela Paul face to face.

    Happy Father's Day! (And I really do mean that sincerely.)

  24. Fools abound everywhere. I could care less what she thinks.

  25. if i actually let myself i will get angry over an article like that ... but what's the point? it's beyond insulting, it's comedy.

    good dads make the world a better place and that's for sure. Happy Father's Day, you.

  26. I think I should have watched more Xena.

  27. At least we still have the magic potion. They can't replace us totally. I second the Captains thoughts too.

  28. I'm probably not helping my case by telling her how to do Feminism, but in my defense, this "Girl Power" article was more of a cynical attempt to sell magazines by appealing to a tiny extreme of the Feminist movement, then any real "Women are doing it for themselves" manifesto.

    Congratulations to the Atlantic for getting one last word before it collapses.

  29. That's it. I'm joining your blog as a follower.
    But I'm not subscribing by e-mail ... sorry. My inbox is too full as it is.

    C'mon, people! The lady is wrong, but don't call her a bitch. Just makes you sound like the ignorant sexist you know you're not.

  30. P.S. Your family is beautiful.

  31. Huh. Now I can't seem to become a follower without a Facebook account. Sorry, not gonna do it.


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