“From this point on, My Love, you shall refer to me as your husband, the Award-Winning Sports Columnist.”
“Hmm?” she grunted over her coffee.
“I want to now be introduced to people as your husband, the Award-Winning Sports Columnist. And please note -- the inflection of my voice indicates that last phrase should be capitalized.”
“But you don’t write a sports column?”
“I wrote one. The one about buying beer at a minor league baseball game at 10:30 in the morning. That was good enough for the Connecticut Society of Professional Journalists.”
“That counts?”
“Yes, it ‘counts.’ And please note – the inflection of my voice indicates that last word is in quotes.”
“Aren’t the people who really write about sports every day going to be mad at you?”
“Their sportswriters. Think Oscar Madison! Ray Romano! At worst, I could toss a few hot dogs one way to distract them then run.”
“If you don’t pull a hamstring. And yes,” she said, “I noted the inflection of your voice indicated italicizing the word ‘sportswriters.’”
“Har har har! Can’t you let me revel? For once my work received actual recognition. In fact, smarty, two of my other columns also won honorable mentions.”
“Honorable mentions?” she said. “Those are real awards?”
* * *
A few days later, I walked into the part of the house known only to the IRS as my office to see the gift of guilt left to me by a certain wife:
I called My Love over, put my arm around her and we soaked in the soothing glow of compact fluorescent lights on imitation vellum.
“So,” I asked, “how’s it feel to be married to a real trophy husband?”
“They’re only paper certificates.”
“Bite me, sweetie.”
Congratulations to my fellow-dads-in-crimes-against-literature, otherwise known as the usual gang of idiots over at DadCentric.
Whit, Warren, TwoBusy, The Holmes, Jason, Greg, Croutonboy and I were recently cited by Parents magazine for stringing together one of its “favorite daddy blogs.”
That crack the writer made about “the mundane”? Pretty sure it’s directed at my contributions.
Bite me, sweetie.
Congrats! Now you need to change your header.
ReplyDeleteAlways Home and An Award Winning Sports Columnist.
I saw that Parents magazine article too. Big shots, you are.
"Don't let those swill merchants rewrite you."
ReplyDeleteAnd by "swill merchants", I'm sure Lester was referring to the Connecticut Society of Professional Journalists. You can tell by the inflection in his voice.
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ReplyDeleteThat article was almost as funny as this post. They do it up big in New Haven, don't they?
ReplyDeleteLoved the Parents Magazine article. Too bad Jason couldn't get a group shot for DadCentric.
Do you rent Your Love out to those of us who need encouragement? My Love is severely brain-dead in that department.
You realize, of course, that certifiable means that they come to take you away in white coats and give you a tight fitting jacket?
ReplyDeleteI should know for i am certified by numerous agencies and have to deal with those white coats all day long....~
Hmm...I've got the Hagerstown Suns and the Frederick Keys within easy driving distance...I'll have to check their beer sales schedules.
ReplyDelete'Cause the Orioles suck (again) and I got laid off (again). So I have little money, but lots of time.
Congrats, man! Always nice to get recognition!
Congrats, that is very cool. I once received a driving award in Connecticut. I believe they call it a citation.
ReplyDeleteHmm. This isn't like the time I tried to get my wife to start addressing me as "O Galactic Overlord," is it?
ReplyDeleteOn closer inspections the certificates do look real. I say, revel away.
Congrats on your CSoPJ honorifics. This is like getting a doctorate, right?
ReplyDeleteCongrats! But do these now make you too 'Cool' to be 'Uncool'....?
ReplyDeleteMy favorite award out there: The Payne Award for Ethics in Jounalism.
It's a major award!
ReplyDeletePlease tell me I can say, "I knew him when" to my friends?
ReplyDeleteWell, congratulations! It really is saweet recognition, and much deserved!
ReplyDeleteMy condolences to your long suffering wife, though. :)
Popemobiles for all the men.
ReplyDeleteWell dammit.. I had a witty retort for you and got sidetracked upon reading the comments here. What Parents Mag article?
ReplyDeleteI'm off to search.
Way to go, by the way! Not like any of us knew you were this awesome, after all ;).
Can I have your autograph?
ReplyDeleteHey, paper certificates are still certificates! :-)
ReplyDeleteYou definitely earned bragging rights! No magazine has ever recognized my blog! Some Asian guy keeps leaving Chinese spam on one of my posts. Does that count?
ReplyDeleteYou and The Wife are fu**in' funny and need to come to my bar immediately. I always wanted an Award-Winning Sports Columnist to review my establishment. Hopefully you are currently planning your road trip to New York as we speak. Party is in August. See ya then-free drinks. :-)
ReplyDelete