Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It Takes a Village Expert (or, in my case, Idiot)

While doing some research (it could happen) for my post on Bad Holiday Gift Ideas for Dads for DadCentric today, I came across a bunch of 1-minute YouTube videos by a sweet young lady named Ashley for something called the Expert Village channel. In the videos, she offers her suggestions for presents for friends and family.

For a boyfriend: Buy a CD at Wal-Mart or burn a CD of your favorite songs for him. Maybe concert tickets for the two of you.

For a grandfather: Buy him a flag kit so he can proudly display the Texas colors from his porch.

For a teenage girl: Lips gloss and foundation.

Pretty tame stuff.

Then came the gifts for dad, and a reminder that Sarah Palin was right -- I’m not a real American.

Pocket knives and … did she say … ninja swords?



I am going to be quite PO’d if the Things get me another Greatest Dad hat this year.

Then, in the next video I found, Ashley – my poor sweet Ashley – baring her pure angelic soul and broken heart to me.

Yes, dear innocent Ashley, your mom should have warned you.

Never EVER give a boyfriend your pu- … um, ... cat.

Intrigued and a tad obsessed, I felt the need to seek out Ashley and tell her, yes, yes, yes – some guys are dogs and most are dog people. You are from Texas; you should know this. You can’t hunt with a cat, mi lady. They don’t even fit well in the gun racks.

So I went directly to the Village Expert channel to find her and, friends, rather than my fresh faced Lone Star flower, I kid you not, I was smacked in the face with this on the home page:

That’s some fine cinematography. I can’t stop thinking about huge pine cones.

What was I saying?

+ + +

Note: Ashley appears to be a college student hoping to become a music therapist. To wash away all the sins I’ve committed against her in this post, I’m embedding this video she put up last night (I was her first viewer) of her singing “O Holy Night.”

PS: Ashley -- I’m not stalking you despite what My Love has been saying all night while I played your videos and typed this. I’m promoting your promising career as a singer/spokesmodel. Just list me in the acknowledgments section of your first CD.

Or send me a ninja sword.

UPDATE: What! She already pulled down the video! Ashley – you’re killing me here. Let’s try “Silent Night” (yes, I was the first viewer for this one, too).

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  1. Now that is some fine blogging. I have to go. I need to find all my knives. I love knives.

  2. Perhaps the knives are the help in the kitchen? And Ninja swords? Really? That's the crap my 6 and 4 year old sons want. Is proof that boys never grow up?

  3. Okay.. now that I've forced the cat to clean up the coffee (because my husband is the only straight cat guy on the planet thus I have no DOG!) I spit OUT MY NOSE whilst laughing at this post.. I have to say.. RUN ASHLEY RUN

  4. I bought my sister a ninja sword once. I think it's in everyone's best interest that my dad doesn't have one, really.

  5. I'd love a ninja sword for Xmas, and maybe some more instructional videos from Ashley's friend.

  6. Ninja swords don't get me all worked up. Now the Sarah Palin reference? Does. I can't stop making Sarah Palin references on my own blog even though I am consciously trying not to. It is like a disease. And she's coming to San Antonio.....dang.

  7. I'm not sure if I would pose all my big holiday questions to a college age girl with ample busted friends who make instructional videos. I should ponder that.
    At first the "wreath" video was a big white blank...I continued to read your post and when the video finally showed I was distracted by Ms. Wreaths cleavage...and was forced to question "What big pine cones?"
    Maybe we should hold a village idiot conference?

  8. Can't wait to let my hubby know he's a "fem" because we have cats. Or maybe not, because then he won't make dinner tonight and that would suck.

  9. I just can't believe people put these videos on the internet....boggles the mind.

    (my husband is all about cats)

  10. I will try to stop laughing long enough to type something,,,
    But I can not, just keep thinking about pine cones and nija swords!

  11. I actually know someone who would LOVE a ninja sword and my grandfather is asking for Kung Fu movies for christmas. maybe she's not totally off base.

    How much is your agent's fee, you're doing a helluva job promoting her new careeer LOL

  12. You know what would be a kick ass gift for a man? A cat with pocket knife blades for it's claws!! That also shoots lazers from it's eyes!! And came saddled for the tiny, tiny man I want to ride astride the cat and do my bidding, which would pretty much amount to just picking the crumbs up off the kitchen floor, etc., when I don't wish to bend down to do so, because, honestly, it's a tiny man astride a lazer-eyed, pocket-knife blade clawed cat. What more is it going to do?


    Also, have I been pronouncing poinsettia wrong all these years? Why has no one told me this? Talk about deckin' your halls.

  13. Huh. Go figure. I've never known men to turn down a gift of the kitty. Except for this one guy. But I think he was more of a coc...wait, I mean ROOSTER, kind of guy. If you know what I mean.

  14. what's going on here? This Ashley person is intriguing, but somewhat random. She's got a pretty good voice. Guitar could use a little spicing up, but hey -- it's not bad.

  15. Seriously...the boyfriend cat video...there just aren't words.

    And the ninja sword...well, my brother and his roommate bought some just a couple months back(no, I'm not kidding - they already HAD pocket knives)...so maybe this isn't such a bad gift idea afterall.

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  17. Now I want a Ninja Sword for xmas.

    Between that and the fact that I'm a life-long dog person, I'm now left questioning my sexuality.

    Gee thanks, Kev. ;)

  18. That's gotta set some kinda record for "most mentions of the word KNIVES in a 1-minute video about Christmas gifts."

  19. So, my question is, who is this Ashley girl, and why is she on expert village? She is obviously not an expert on gift giving. Ninja swords for your dad?! Are you kidding me? If I gave that to my dad he would have be committed. He has done it before. It's like a game to him now. 'sigh' Everyone knows you never give a gift of an animal, cat person or not, unless the giftee is under 10 years old. Come on Ashley...and I don't believe you've ever seen a Ninga sword. But, you're a cute girl (on a lighter note).

  20. I kept waiting for her to say, in that sweet little voice of hers, "or you could get him something fucking nunchucks because those are badass and dads like things that are badass."

  21. Okay ... 1st I have to come clean, I only half laughed at your post. However, it's because i-am-strictly-forbidden-to-access-youtube-at-work. (videos like these are likely why, I'll get back to you on that)

    Therefor, I'm starring this post --that's right STARRING IT! -- to come back to in a few hours so I can see these videos.

    Thinking .oO ( Who gives away their ... um ... cat as a present anyway? Rediculous!!! )

    I'm not a dad ... but I wouldn't mind having meself some ninja swords too!!!

  22. I just hope that if I get ninja swords I open them first and not last, because you need something to open up all those damn toys from Santa.

  23. I agree with My Love. You are stalking that poor girl.

    I have two words for you: restraining order.


  24. Whoever gets me a ninja sword for the holidays will be my hero for life.

  25. Nope. That doesn't sound stalkerish at all. Really.


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