Monday, November 22, 2010

Hairy Thanksgiving

When my upper lip was asked to join the Movember cause, I said “yes” without hesitation … and also without remembering that I have never before had a standalone soup strainer. This excludes the one I painted on when I went to a Halloween party as Groucho Marx in 1996.

Not that my pasty face hasn't been obscured before. It bore a goatee a few times in my life, notably when that look made its big comeback in the mid-1990s. Even at its frenzied height of fashion hipness, I had the forethought to shave it off before my wedding so as not to forever link the day of my most blessed union with a "what was I thinking" fashion faux pas.

I also sported a full beard for a bit in college. At least I did until I came home for a long weekend freshman year and The Mother of All Uncoolness hid the keys to my car until I used one of the dozen disposable razors she had strategically taped all over our house.

Which is why I can’t wait until Thanksgiving when I open the door for her and she sees this:

day 22 movemberME: Happy Th--

MOTHER OF ALL UNCOOLNESS: Good God. Get that thing off your face!

ME: You don’t like?


ME: Can’t. Growing it for charity. I’m rais--

MOTHER OF ALL UNCOOLNESS: No turkey for you until you MARCH upstairs and cut that thing off. Trim under your armpits, too. You won’t sweat so much.

ME: What? Hey, I cooked the turkey. And this is my house. I’m …

MOTHER OF ALL UNCOOLNESS: And get rid of that dog. Your grandfather would be appalled that there was a dog in the house. Especially a bald one.

ME: Grandpa’s been dead for 20 years. And this is my hou-

MOTHER OF ALL UNCOOLNESS: That’s it. We’re leaving. Here, take the pie. You’ve ruined my holiday.

ME (yelling down the walkway): You forgot the whipped cream!!

* * *

Remember, friends, I’m itching for a cause. Please donate to fight prostate and testicular cancer.


  1. Damn - sounds like a win to me (if my in-laws reacted that way, that is)!
    Enjoy that pie!

  2. Wait a that ::gasp:: a SOUL PATCH I detect under your bottom lip? Good God, man!

  3. If only I could get rid of my relatives so easily. And you got pie. BONUS!

  4. This seems much easier than feigning sickness! Hope your holiday is a happy & hairy one, Uncool.

  5. Oh. My. Gosh. If it wasn't for a good cause I would completely disown you as a blogger friend until that monstrosity was shaved off! ugh!

  6. Every single time I see a new picture I can't get that song out of my head...

    "Don't it make your brown eyes blue-ue-ue-ue-ue."

    If I didn't love you so much, I'd stop looking. It's kinda creepy.

  7. My mom made me shave my goatee for high school graduation. After that shaving it has only been shaved two maybe three times with the last time being circa 1998. Are you saying in this article that my goatee is not cool? Is that what your saying? Oh well. I failed to shave it way back when and I am stuck with it now. It is as much a part of my face as my nose.

    Nice Mo by the way.

  8. You look like someone who plays soulful sounds on an alto sax. I think it's the hat.

  9. That's one hell of a mustache, Mugsy. Time to shape it with a little wax and hit a speakeasy.

  10. I'm with Didactic Pirate - sipping espresso and snapping my fingers for depressing poetry while donning my black turtleneck.

  11. So digging the fedora....WIth the stache and soul patch you now look like a 30's gangster or a gondola driver at the Venetian.

    "O SOLE MIO"......

  12. The soup strainer thing is only one advantage - you will also be tasting thanksgiving dinner for several days after!

  13. You look like you're waiting to record your sax solo.

  14. Dude! Even if Mother doesn't, I like it! Funny how Mom's don't care whose house it is. :)

    Happy Turkey Day!

  15. I know this post was all about the facial hair, but "Trim under your armpits, too. You won’t sweat so much." had me rolling off my couch with laughter!

    Have a great Thanksgiving...with or without Mom. :)

  16. Well at least you would have gotten the pie. Hope it worked out for you and you had a great day.

  17. Sounds like you a rough holiday! I dig the moustache tho. When do you have to be back in Venice? That gondola is not going to paddle itself.

    I had an interesting turkey day. Spent it escorting celebrities from the end of the parade back to their limos.


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