Thursday, March 8, 2012

No Stupid Smartphone for This Dad 2.0

Today, with a little luck, I am on my way to Austin for the Dad 2.0 Summit, a.k.a. Paternity Party 2012.
I'm Attending The Dad 2.0 Summit
Given my usual luck traveling in or out of Texas, though, I’m most likely stranded at the Chili’s Too in Terminal C at DFW International Airport, reduced to selling my “wares” for Shiner Bocks and Southwestern Eggrolls to survive the long, dull Lone Star nights.

That might not be a bad thing. I’m a little nervous about whether I can really hang with daddy-type dudes for three days.

What worries me?

My lack of knowledge about cars?

I can drive and that’s all one really needs to know these days.

Ineptitude at discussing bracket selections for March Madness?

It’s flippin’ Texas, y’all. All they care about is football and we are in one of the two months when it is replaced by deer hunting. Luckily, I’m hanging with diaper-changing daddy bloggers for the weekend and the only guns they are familiar with are on power-washers or video games.

No, I’m most worried about hanging with the testosterone-laden social media mavens. Because …
I do not own a smartphone.

No. I’m not kidding.

My Love has a BlackBerry and an iPhone.

Thing 1, age 12 (12!!), even has an iPhone. I have this:

Pay-as-go, circa 2008, baby.

If you think my typing skills suck on a full computer keyboard, wait till you see me try to text a message on this bee-yotch.

Six words a minute. Moses carved the Commandments faster. In Hebrew, no less.

It’s not that I’m tech adverse. I love gadgets. I’d love to be snapping Instagrams of every single thing I see from morning to night and bitching about the tasteless slop I ate for dinner on Yelp.

But remember who I am. I am “always home.” Well, 90 percent of the time.

Do you really want to see my dog’s poop looking edgy and hip as taken with a PopRocket Valencia Polaroid Canasta Filbert Raisin filter? And dang it, if you don’t like the tasteless slop I serve, eat before you come visit, you parasite!

Also, I’m kinda cheap.

Every time I consider buying a fancy smartphone, I do one thing.

I open the door to my “inspiration fridge,” and look at all the lovely, tasty microbrews in there. I can afford these because rather than $80 a month, I pay $15 a month for my dinky cell phone.

Then I walk away, often belching contentedly.

Priorities, folks. It’s all about priorities.

But to be safe, I will be bringing some tech with me to Austin to allow me to do some Tweeting and Angry Birding and raging against evil American car companies while in the hotel’s WiFi range:

It’s an iTouch.

Not mine, of course.

My daughter’s.

C’mon, not even we sensitive New-Age father-conference goers could possibly be THIS into Justin Bieber.
Could we?

Mmm howdy, that moppet’s got some pipes.

‘Nother round of Southwestern Eggrolls for my fellow travelers, y’all!

Sing the traveling-to-a-conference blues for me, Delbert …

Video: Delbert McClinton, “B-Movie Boxcar Blues”


  1. I don't have one either!

    Have fun in Texas. At least it's not 110 degrees here... yet!

  2. If I spent that kind of money on a phone there'd be no way I'd risk taking it out of the house and losing it. So it would be kind of hard to get my money's worth on a cell phone there.

  3. I was feeling a little left out of instagram because I have an android smart phone. Then I remembered that I don't split my time between NYC and LA like Neil does. What the hell would I take pictures of? Wow 'em in Tejas, Uncool!

  4. Awesome. We also eschew the smartphone. Be careful what you take picturws of with that thing.

  5. Think of it this way: You're a retro pioneer!

  6. Last summer, I did move up from the flip phone to a QWERTY keyboard. But no smart phone for me either. I'm always home too and that desktop is BIG and easy on they eyes, compared to a little phone screen.

  7. I move you replace the Beeb with some Bruce, maybe some Dylan, the Rolling Stones, and Lady Gaga. You need to take her musical education up a notch.

  8. I think your phone is hysterical. My hubby has a Jitterbug because we are pretty much always together and I have an iPhone. He doesn't even have texting ability on his phone. But we pays almost $20 a month for his service - damn we're getting ripped off.
    I would however feel like I was without a limb if I was without my iPhone. I actually use my laptop and iPhone at the same time even while I am at home... I need help!
    Have a great time in Texas... and I agree with Magpie, update your daughters music selections {{shudder}}!!

  9. Your priorities are definitely spot on!
    Have a great time at the party! I'm sure all you need to know is beer. And maybe some boobs.

  10. Both boys have iPods. We have three computers. Bonus Brother has an iPhone and a laptop.

    I have a black berry. I am still resisting the urge for an iPhone, because then I WILL NEVER be able to disconnect. And that for me is horrible. I also have the limited text plan for $5 a month. Sadly, no one remembers this and they text me anyway.

    Tony also has a black berry but I have it locked to he can't accidentally butt dial anyone and order random stuff off the internet. Seriously. It happened.

    Have fun on your trip!

  11. Have fun in Texas. And I'm sorry, but I am totally laughing at your old cellphone. And the fact that your bringing your daughters iTouch with you.

  12. The droid smartphone was the stupidest purchase I've ever made.

    Now y'all have yersef one hella good time with the bros, hear?

  13. I sometimes feel like such a fraud. After all, my name is "TechyDad" and yet I don't have a smartphone either. My phone's not quite as bad as yours. It's an LG Touch. But we don't have a data plan. I just use it for texting, calls, pictures (not great quality) and taking the occasional note.

    I do drool over the prospect of getting an Android or iPhone, but then I think of the monthly fees. $30 per month PER PHONE! If I get one, my wife will want one too and we really can't afford $60 more per month. That $720 could go to so many other things (or get put into our savings account).

    Eventually, I'll probably succumb and buy one, but not quite yet. (Maybe after they introduce family data plans.)

  14. The Lost Pines resort is really nice. Too bad the weather is so heinous right now. We're supposed to be set up at Maria's Taco Express on S. Lamar with all things Ecofab, that is assuming the weather is at least marginally better than it is now.

    I'll be Tweeting in the morning exactly what's up with us. Please pop by if you can. I'd love to meet you.

  15. You're screwed. The iTouch is gateway tech.

  16. LOL. Before Christmas, I had the Motorola 2005 edition. Loved it. In my stocking was a "Smarter Than I-phone". Had to ask a 4 year old how to work the stop watch. But at least The Kinks, Kid Rock (and, yes) a Blowfish or two serenade me as I'm on treadmill.

  17. yeah, I think you have busted on Texas one to many times.

    Obviously you know nothing about Texas or our people. Yes football is a huge part of a lot of people lives here but it's not everyones. We have other sports as well. We have a ton of things to do under these lone star night skys. Have you been in the Stock yards in Fort worth? Or if you are a sports fan depending on the season you can go to professional Football games, Baseball games, basketball games and Hockey games. All of that is between Dallas and Arlington. Then if you want we have professional rodeo's. Or if you would like to ice skate we have rinks in this area as well. Not into sports, we have a zoo in Dallas and Fort worth. This is just in the area you are waiting for your plane to take off and land. Austin has a ton of things as well. They are a little wacky but it's fun. 6th street should keep you plenty busy. If you go into a place with the attitude you are projecting you won't have fun. I love my state and would appriciate it if you would stop talking crap about it.

    Thank you,

  18. For years I had no phone with me at all. Then I had the sort of crummy phone you had, for more years. Then last year I got in a car accident and couldn't take pictures. So I caved and got an iPhone. But I don't use it for internet. This is sort of like smoking pot and not inhaling.


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My Uncool Past