Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Skinny on Me

You’ve been seeing a lot less of me lately.

Roughly 30 pounds less.

(Oh. You meant my online absence. I’ll explain. In due time. Honestly.)

I had what you may call a transformative moment, an epiphany if you will, about 18 months back following my annual physical.

My blood pressure was slightly elevated.

My cholesterol, a few ticks into the red.

Most importantly, I had trouble buttoning my pants.

Having spent most of my adult life in a 34 waist, in the year previous I had moved to a 36.

Then, a 36 with a “comfort waist.” That’s a 36 with an extra few inches of elastic hidden in the belt line. Lands’ End is Genius.

Eeeeee-vil genius.

This enabled me to live the lie for a while. I watched as the scales tipped over 200 consistently for more than just the usual couple of days following a sausage-pepperoni-onion pizza bender.

The breaking point came when I had trouble getting into my jeans.

Relaxed fit jeans.

Good gravy, I’m a load.

Mmmmmm, graaaaaaa-vyyyyyyy.

I’d done diet and exercise programs before. Weight Watchers (fairly easy as long as the constant hunger doesn’t affect your math skills), Wii Fit (blah – bitchy, boring and looking at your potbellied Mii is just annoying rather than motivational) and one horrific, all-liquid detox cleanse. Usually, I complete each with some success.

Until I inevitably stopped following them.

Then ka-BLOOEY: The Return of Jabba the Uncool.

Despite my previous making fun of people who do food journaling, I decided it couldn’t hurt to try it. I mean, I do write for a living. Allegedly. How hard could it be to scribble down my munchies on a regular basis?

I found a free online program that gave me daily calorie goals based on my current weight and my goal weight. In about four months, with the help of a moderate increase in exercise, I dropped from 203 to 173.

Easy as pie. Rather, easy as avoiding pie. Which really is easy for me. I’m a cake whore. (Note to self: Idea for new reality show!)

Food journaling taught me several things about my eating, beyond that I did way too much it.

I truly dig cheese and bread, for example, but they can easily be the ruin of me because they dig my love handles even more.

Almonds are good for heart health, but the half a jar I’d polish off in one sitting was extending my waistline far more than my life expectancy.

Simple stuff like that.

As a result, I’ve kept the weight off for most of the past year with only a few minor blips during vacation and a rather tasty homemade eggnog season.

Yet some people still are not satisfied.

And by people, I mean my aforementioned Wii Fit.

I decided to step on the balance board the other day just for the satisfaction of seeing a skinny Mii and finally hearing some praise from it rather than, “Oh, you are off center. Try leaning more to the left. And stop bouncing on me, lard ass.”

wii fit goal reached

Well, that’s positive. Mostly.

wii fit weight uncool dad

That’s my Mii, known as Goatee because I briefly had one when I created him three years ago. At last, he’s normal.

wii fit bmi uncool dadNormal, I tells ya. NORMAL!

wii fit uncool goal dad OK. Goals are good.

wii fit bmi uncool dad

BMI of 22? That’s …

wii fit torture 153.7 pounds?


That’s another (trying to do math in head but too weak from starvation) …

20 pounds!

:: crickets  chirping ::

20 effin’ pounds?!

:: crickets laughing ::

Who wants to go with me for a triple cheeseburger? With cake.


  1. I'm down 30.

    Stepped onto the scale this morning and it was 132.


    Sweet Joseph and Mary.

  2. And YEAH YOU!!!!!

    I like my burger burnt around the edges with TONS of blue cheese.

    and fries, please.........

  3. Congrats, dude! Enjoy your celebratory triple cakeburger!

  4. A few years ago, my wife and I went on Weight Watchers (unofficially - we figured it out ourselves & didn't pay the membership fee... helps that I'm a math geek). I went from 255 to 175. Since then, I've gone up and down between 210 and 185. I'm currently just over 200 and am trying to "eat healthy." Sadly, this doesn't really work for me so I'll need to do something more.

    As for video game workouts, I'd steer clear of WiiFit. I found it didn't really burn any calories. EA Sports Active (for the Wii) was really good as was Your Shape Fitness Evolved (for XBox/Kinect). (Running a giveaway on the latter right now.) WiiFit seems more into helping you balance than really making you sweat and push your muscles until they ache.

  5. Great Job! I can't wait to lose weight, although right now all I can do is watch while I gain.... of course that is the unfortunate "side effect" of pregnancy. My mii was fat BEFORE I got pregnant too, there is nothing more embarrassing than a fat Mii running around.

  6. Yay you! Have you picked out a new pair of skinny jeans to reward the next 20 lbs?

  7. SILVER - For a laugh I did try on a pair of skinny jeans the other week. They made it just past my calves.

  8. I'm down 30 pounds as well but I have 34 more to go to get to a healthy weight. No cheesecake for me. Probably not ever again. But I'm really ok with that.

  9. Well, well, well, our prodigal son has finally returned and he's 30 pounds lighter!!!!

    WOOT! I'm very proud of you!!! And I totally take credit for food journaling....just sayin'...of course, I always did it the old fashioned paper/pencil method. That website will now give me something new to obsess over.

    Missed ya...XOXO

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  11. Congrats! Don't listen to the Wii. Wiis are assholes.

  12. Good job! I could stand to drop 15 or 20. Not likely to happen, but it would be nice.

    Keep up the good work!

  13. Good for you. I need to do the same.

  14. The doctor would like to see me down 50 lbs. People laugh when I say this since evidently I hide it well.

    The problem is, right now I'm proportionate. When I lose weight, I lose it from the bottom, not the top and so the back issues ensue. And then I have extreme pain in my lower back. Which makes me cranky.

    And you won't like me when I'm cranky.

    So hand over the cake and no one will get hurt. :)

  15. Hoooray! Good for you.

    "Who wants to go with me for a triple cheeseburger? With cake."

    YES PLEASE!!!!

  16. Screw the Wii and Mii ~ they always want less of a good thing. Besides they fractured both my legs just over a year ago so I'm still giving them the silent treatment.

    Taking it off is amazing. Keeping it off for close to a year? Wowzer! Feel free to reward yourself with a bag, yes a bag, of carrots, you sexy thang.

    (Your Mii looks a bit like the Soup Nazi. I think of you as more of a Richard Simmons kinda Mii guy.)

  17. Did someone say cakeburger? Where can I get on one of those? I mean, my Mii can suck it!

    Good job, pal! I think it's awesome. It's hard, I know, but I'm proud of you for accomplishing this so close to bikini season!

  18. Does my ass look fat in that Mii?

    seriously - good for you A.H& U..I so need an overhaul and get tired just thinking about it (sigh)


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My Uncool Past