Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Fear and Dancing in Las Vegas

Our recent family vacation started and ended in Las Vegas. fremony street experience las vegas uncools It may seem incongruous to bookend travels with children in a place known as Sin City or for me to use a 10-cent word like “incongruous.” However, I have plenty of photos of us enjoying “wholesome” touristy things to prove otherwise.

Like …

Dolphin feeding at the MGM Grand “Secret Garden.”mgm grand dolphins secret garden

Excitable being chosen to participate in a comedy magic show at the Four Queens casino.mike hammer magician four queens casino

To his sister’s disappointment, the magician did not make him disappear. At least not permanently.

Swimming in the Golden Nugget’s pool / aquarium.shark aquarium golden nugget las vegas swimming golden nugget

Go-go dancing bar maids outside the Golden Gate Casino.golden gate go-go dancers las vegas Whoa – how’d that get in there?

O, Las Vegas. So many big boobs. And breasts, too.

Speaking of boobs, here’s me waiting to zip line along downtown Las Vegas’ Fremont Street.fremont-zipline

My hasty and totally out-of-character decision to do this shocked the entire Uncool clan, myself included. I credit being swept up in the carnival-like atmosphere of downtown. And $4 beers at the Golden Gate go-go bar.

“Dad’s so scared he’s going to pee his pants and spray it all over us as he goes by,” predicted Excitable. Nice vote of confidence there, son.zip-line-group-las-vegas


In the video of my adventure, listen closely as I go overhead to hear Li’l Diva mention how “embarrassing” all this is to her.

My real reasoning for setting aside my innate chicken-ness to do this:

  1. I’d never heard of anyone being killed on these zip lines before (unlike the near-death experiences taking place at the Heart Attack Grill across the street while this was going on). Ignorance is the aphrodisiac of the weak-kneed.
  2. I’d be attached to something attached to something attached to solid ground the whole time. The “Electricity” rule from schoolyard tag applies to life. Um, doesn’t it?
  3. There were plenty of obese, semi-drunk tourists below to break my fall. Not that I’d fall. Right? I said: RIGHT?

Instead, it’s the stuff I don’t have photos of in Las Vegas that should really put the fear in you. Luckily most of it only My Love and I witnessed while the kiddies were safely asleep upstairs in the hotel room.

All right, only I witnessed it. My Love spent our nights feeding her blackjack habit, a.k.a. stimulating the Vegas economy, a.k.a. the kids weren’t the only Uncools underwater at the Golden Nugget. While she did this I was often left alone to experience the most hideous debauchery known to humankind:

Middle-age white folk dancing to a classic rock cover band in the casino lounge.

Armed with only my daughter’s iPod Touch and casino Wi-Fi (and maybe a few Heinekens), I fearlessly trekked into the belly of the beast to file this slightly edited report one evening via Twitter:

  • People - you aren't partying with Michelob Ultra. Period.
  • Either I'm drunk or this cover band made Yes danceable.
  • Should newlyweds in Vegas really be out dancing at this hour? To the Boom Boom Room!
  • These dancers make this CT suburbanite feel LESS white.
  • I think alcohol makes Journey covers symphonic.
  • I wonder if My Love has lost enough at blackjack yet to consider consolation sex?

Somehow I survived the bumping, grinding and “white man’s” overbiting masses to make it back to our hotel room. I even managed to be up by 7:30 the next morning – thank you jet lag! -- and in line at the hotel coffee bar.

“And how’s your day going?” asked the unreasonable perky barista.

I didn’t answer. I think the extra-large coffee and bran muffin in my hand did all the necessary talking.


  1. :-)

    It's nice to see families out and enjoying themselves.

    In Vegas. :-)

    And this? "Ignorance is the aphrodisiac of the weak-kneed." I'm going to find a way to use that...


    1. Use it at will. Just send my residue checks to ...

  2. Your tweets from Vegas were pretty legendary.

    1. And fairly coherent giving the alcohol and my ineptness at typing on an iPod Touch. Thank you.

  3. We've taken our kids twice. It's their fave vacation spot of all the many places we've taken them in the U.S. of A. They are addicted to the lights.......ok, actually it's the buffets. They bring up Pharoh's Feast constantly. And the nasty green tea mousse at the MGM. Good times!

    I can't believe you did that zip line! Great photos!

    1. We had a baaaaad experience at the 4 Queens buffet. Just not tasty.

  4. If Lil' Diva want's embarrassing, just start rapping Justin Bieber while driving her friends to the mall.

    Sounds like a fun trip!

  5. This certainly was a dizzying experience for me too. I almost hurled when Your Love turned around with the camera to follow you to the end. Slowly, woman. Slowly.

    You totally kicked ass on the zip line. Did anyone bother to tell you your fly was down?

    1. Imagine what it looked like before I activate the "stedicam" feature on YouTube.

  6. And nary a drop of urine in sight! My hat is off to you, looks and sounds like you had a great time.

  7. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon last August, sans kids. We have talked of going back for our fifth with the kids. The "old" side of Vegas looks fabulous, we never got there when we went. :)

    1. I dig the seediness of downtown. Fewer beautiful people, but much more character. And characters.

  8. What a great vacation for your family, the kids look adorable in he pool. I would LOVE to swim in there.
    Kudos to your zip-lining. I really wish I could try that, but my neurosurgeon would kill me after all the hardware he put in my spine. =)
    Your whole post had me cracking up, especially your daughter being embarrassed.

  9. Taking the kids to Vegas is pretty damn cool Mister UnCool.


REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.


My Uncool Past