Rejected Candy Hearts (#rejectedcandyhearts)

The annual Twitterfest of devising sayings no one would put on those chalky Necco candy hearts is always one of my favorites. (This year it is at #rejectedcandyhearts.)

To me, it’s a challenge to be funny in as few words as possible because, face it, no matter how hilarious a candy heart saying “Your real mother was a Vegas stripper named Juggs Aplentee” would be, that wouldn’t really fit on a heart. Even if you wrote on the edges.

So here are some that I came up with:

Allergic 2 latex

Bend over

Better call Saul

Chastity rox

Chew me

Chlamydia!

E.D.? Not Viagra

4skin Ntact

4skin rox!

Got girth?

I’ll pull out

Into feet

Is it in?

It IS hard

It’s a sock

It’s a boy

It’s a girl

It’s not URs

I’ve done worse

Just a rash

Just the tip

Over not under

Put it away

Nice tramp stamp

Not insured

Not the face

Taste this

That’s it?

Touch me & die

3some!

3rd base, ez

Shave my poodle (nod to Michael Ian Black and the writers of “Ed”)

U done?

VD? NP.

Will dry hump

Wrong color

+ + + Don’t be selfish – share this on social media. The writer needs to prove to his wife what he's up to all day at home. Cheers!