Thursday, December 1, 2016

Droughts Stink and So Do I

You know what truly stinks about our area's ongoing drought? Me.
Sorry for the stench, lower Fairfield County, but to comply with the water company’s call for voluntary conservation as our reservoirs edge closer to summer-in-Las Vegas levels, I’ve been doing my part by avoiding the shower. Your nose won’t thank me but the rest of you should.
Sure, the utility company only recommends taking shorter showers. However, I know deep down to my dirt-encrusted bones that some of us need to make up for the rest of you who are still getting a little too friendly with the loofah. While I may feel grubby, I’ve also never before felt quite so environmentally correct.

So superior.

So European.

Biscuit and Brexit, love?
Of course, I rarely have to be around people — a simultaneous advantage/disadvantage of my work-at-home, typist-for-hire status. But what about my family?

My two teenagers are, well, teenagers so they don’t want to hang too close to me much these days. My Love is either at work or too tired from work to give me a good whiff most nights of the week. Or on weekends. Sigh.

My one constant companion is my dog and, given his species’ superior sense of smell, these days Murphy finds me just that much more interesting.
Besides someone has to take desperate measures in these desperate times of aqua despair. The only sacrifice the city and water company have asked people to make so far is stop outdoor watering of lawns and plants — not a major problem in autumn. So I’ve stopped indoor watering of myself. You, too, should all get down with your funky bad self, people!
But what can you do to save water, especially if abandoning your hygiene habits is not personally or professionally possible? Here’s some ideas from the water company and the internet you can try (with a little bit of embellishment from me to maximize your conservation efforts):
Don’t leave water running while washing hands, brushing teeth or shaving.
If you want to go all in, this is pretty simple: Baby wipes, Listerine and get an early start on next year's “No-Shave November.” Nothing says “I’m aware of the suckitude that is cancer and our dire water crisis” than a dude with a scruffy face or a lady with barbed wire on her legs.
Run only full loads of laundry in the washing machine
Or buy loads of Febreze.
Use the same drinking glass all day to cut down on dishes that need washing.
Better yet, don’t use glasses or dishes at all. Only eat or drink things that can be consumed right out of the package. Pound Buds right from the bottle. Pour chips down your gullet from the bag. This is your chance to guzzle life straight outta the carton, my playa!
Use a bucket to collect water wasted while waiting for the shower to warm up
If you must shower (you water wastrel!), this is a good way to re-purpose something that otherwise would go down the drain. Use it to nourish houseplants, flush toilets or the like. I prefer to use it to keep our dog hydrated. Don’t laugh — for an animal known to dunk his head into the toilet, this is his equivalent of Perrier.

-- A version of this was first ignored by the readers of The Stamford Advocate. Photo:


  1. Thanks for the laughs!
    I think they should give you a key to the city!

    1. Or at least some Right Guard. Thanks for reading.


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