Note to Self: Find Better Post Ideas

In my younger days, I never needed to keep an appointment calendar because I had a sharp memory and no social life. Then my wife and I had children, followed by countless six packs of stress-relief to survive them.

These days I find myself constantly having to scribble little “note to self” reminders to remember things I should (and, more often, shouldn’t) do in the future. Here’s some of the collection that I have amassed over past few months on Post-It Notes, pet store receipts and my laptop.

Speaking of which — Note to self: Find your laptop cord before dog uses it as dental floss.

Note to self: Wipe around your nose after using allergy nasal spray. The “cocaine nostril” look died with disco.

Note to self: The text you sent asking your wife whether she wants you to pick up anything at the store will be returned the instant you are through the checkout line.

Note to self: Check all pants pockets before starting laundry. Your son loves bubble gum; your washer/dryer, not so much.

Note to self: On the first day of summer, re-read the first chapter of Ray Bradbury’s “Dandelion Wine.”

Note to self: That tube of lip balm you blindly grabbed from the drawer may actually be a glue stick.

Note to self: The fancy chocolate-colored wrapper around that piece of candy is not actually made of chocolate.

Note to self: Take your vitamins daily but when popping them into your mouth, use the hand without your wedding ring on it. Follow-up note to self: Call your dentist.

Note to self: Never expect thanks for taking on a thankless task.

Note to self: Your wife and children are not impressed you know most of the words to Blondie’s “Rapture.” Neither were the teenagers in the car next to yours.

Note to self: Before taking the dog on a walk, check the plastic bag you brought for holes.

Note to self: When preparing to play tennis, apply sunscreen liberally to face before putting BenGay on your aching back — not the other way around.

Note to self: You are never too old to catch fireflies. Or Lyme disease.

Note to self: The other driver you want to flip off may have small children in the car. Or be your parish priest.

Note to self: Accepting every LinkedIn invitation you received gets you lots of spam, not lots of job offers.

Note to self: Before start of every season, heavily Scotchgard son’s baseball pants. Follow-up note to self: Buy stock in company that makes OxiClean.

Note to self: Cans of spray-on sunscreen and insect repellent cans look similar but do not accomplish the same things.

Note to self: The farther the hairline recedes, the shorter the remaining hair must be.

Note to self: Do not refer publicly to the movies you watch without your children as “adult films.”