Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tips to Avoid Holiday Overindulging and, Basically, Fun

chow down fat boy
With the holidays upon us, you'll soon be stuffed to the gills with advice about how to avoid being stuffed to the gills during this most bountiful of buffet seasons.

No matter how reasonable this expert guidance on appetite control sounds, it always proves much trickier to pull off in real life, often because your hands are sticky from devouring miniature candy canes.

Let's review some common suggestions that health professionals offer this time of year and the sad reality that often comes with heeding them.

Tip: To prevent overindulging at a party, eat a light, nutritious snack before arriving.
 
Eating before you go to an event where food will be plentiful and -- most importantly -- free is, to me, a grave faux pas. Your hosts have most likely spent many hours and dollars on those caviar-stuffed pigs in a truffle-encrusted blanket just to please guests like you. And this is how you repay them?

You should feel guilty, but that's good! Guilt burns up to 1.8 calories an hour.
 
Tip: Arrive at a party with a healthy dish to share, to ensure you have at least one good food option.
 
As if eating before you arrived wasn't rude enough. "No, no - your food is rich, delicious and evil! Simply evil! I shan't eat anything but these organic baby carrots I picked up at a health-food store on my way over."

Tip: Avoid the temptation to overeat by not hanging out near the food.

Since hanging out in your host's bedroom is creepy (so I hear) and closets are not conducive to most conversations, especially if you talk a lot with your hands, try the garage.

It may get cold and lonely out there, so bring a sweater.

And a six-pack.

Tip: Mind your portions by using the smallest plate available and loading it mostly with fruit and vegetables.
 
Of course, there's a good chance the fruit and vegetables being offered will be covered in butter, cheese, peppermint bark or, if you live in rural areas, lime Jell-O. Oh, but YOU brought your own baby carrots, didn't you? La-di-DA!

Tip: For dessert, have small portions of only those items you like the most.
 
By now, you're starving and the lace on the table doilies looks like spun sugar. So, you sample this dessert to see if you like it most.

Then you sample that one.

Now you go back and try that one again to make sure you reeeeally liked it.

No, no - let's try this one again.

Mmm.

Can't.

Decide.

Aaaaaaugh!

And there you are, face down in the cannoli tray, snorting sweetened ricotta.

At this point, you've realized you're better off staying home with your baby carrots. People then will start to think you're anti-social and, eventually, you'll stop being invited to holiday parties.

Then you'll never gain holiday weight. Problem solved!

To celebrate, you should throw a party of your own because it will allow you to employ this last helpful tidbit:

Tip: When hosting a holiday party, give away all your leftovers.
 
Oh, and you'll have tons of leftovers. That's because by now all your guests will have also read these articles about how not to overeat during the holidays.

A massive fight will follow in which you, the stick-figured host, and your rail-thin guests pummel each other with bags of baby carrots.

This will make the produce distributor for the local health-food store happy, as you and your friends will have made him rich enough so he can finally afford a personal trainer. And some liposuction.

Anyway, try to have yourself a happy and healthy holiday season, whether you are a party thrower or a partygoer.

If you need me, check the garage.

26 comments:

  1. You know... I was waxing on about my love for cannoli a while back to my husband (who, though I noticed never went to the feed trough on them, *seemed* to enjoy them as much as my family loves the ritual of making and then devouring them over the holidays). His response when I was done going on about them? "You know, Amy, not everyone loves cannoli's as much as yOUR family."

    Blasphemer! I say stay nose down in the tray until they are all gone. Holiday dieting be damned.

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  2. Well it's the Thursday before X-mas and I stuffed myself on pizza and meatballs tonight. I can't dream of being any more full next week.

    Well, I guess I could always dream.

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  3. When I read this I was still logy from eating four plates of pasta for dinner. All I could make out was something about being beaten by Valerie Bertinelli with a bag of organic carrots. Excellent post.

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  4. Love the sugar doilies. Awesome post. Thanks for the laugh! I so needed it more than the cannolis (sic).

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  5. I read through these tips prior to your post ... and I pretty much had the same reaction!!! PUSHAW if you think I'm not sampling that gooey goodness yummy nom nom buffet!!!

    I'll be sampling and consequences be damned. I'll eat the rabbit food after the first!

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  6. What are the holidays for if not for overeating? That, to me, is as much of a tradition than anything else.

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  7. Were there ever something to snort, cannoli would be it. I could hoover five of those in 2.2!

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  8. How's about I hide out in the garage with you. I'll bring the wine.

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  9. I was just thinking this morning, as I hopped up and down in my closet several times in an attempt to get my cords over my butt, that I've ALREADY put on holiday weight. And then I thought... Oh well. :-)

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  10. Forget it, I am jsut going to eat like a pig.
    Problem solved!

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  11. Of course- you could boycott all holiday parties...but then you would have nothing to 'resolve' in 2010!

    Go BIG or Go HOME!

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  13. Oh my - this was an awesome, awesome post!!!
    Screw the baby carrots and bring on the cannoli!!!

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  14. The experts should just drop the 10 step suggestion and tell people not to eat anything at all. Of course people eat at holiday parties; they overeat and they love it! I'm of the opinion that indulgence over the holidays is expected and is hardly responsible for a lifetime of fat. I like the one where they tell us to bring healthy food. Only if you want to bring it back home too. Nobody eats the healthy stuff :-)

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  15. This was perfect.

    I think you have a calling here. I'm thinking VH1 specials. You know the comedians that comment after the clips.

    I so see you there!

    Happy Holidays!

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  16. OMG....awesome. And I'm so happy to find out that guilt burns calories! I will be losing weight left and right being around my mom for three days!

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  17. I don't often Stumble your posts (because well, usually they're not that good ;), but this one, I am. I think it's advice everyone should follow...

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  18. Overeating helps me fatten up to keep warm during the winter months.

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  19. I always hang out in the host's bedroom, sniffing their underwear.

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  20. I hosted a Christmas party and all my power went out...not sure if it kept people from eating or if they went overboard since NO one could see them.

    I have a feeling it was the latter.

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  21. ROFL! It's always irked me that I can't eat MORE at christmas. Sometimes I wish my eyeballs were my stomach. Did that sound weird? uhm..

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  22. I prefer the denial of believing holiday wickedness is calorie free.

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  23. Some wise advice from a wise man. Food at our house just becomes a big excuse to have a food fight. More food thrown the less we eat...

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  24. dammit. know i know why i get invited NOWHERE.

    that six pack i bring and drink myself?

    yowza.

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  25. I realized today that I was actually craving greens after so many days of holiday indulgence. Weird.

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