the holidays upon us, you'll soon be stuffed to the gills with advice about how to avoid being stuffed to the gills during this most bountiful of buffet seasons.
No matter how reasonable this expert guidance on appetite control sounds, it always proves much trickier to pull off in real life, often because your hands are sticky from devouring miniature candy canes.
Let's review some common suggestions that health professionals offer this time of year and the sad reality that often comes with heeding them.
Tip: To prevent overindulging at a party, eat a light, nutritious snack before arriving.
Eating before you go to an event where food will be plentiful and -- most importantly -- free is, to me, a grave faux pas. Your hosts have most likely spent many hours and dollars on those caviar-stuffed pigs in a truffle-encrusted blanket just to please guests like you. And this is how you repay them?
You should feel guilty, but that's good! Guilt burns up to 1.8 calories an hour.
Tip: Arrive at a party with a healthy dish to share, to ensure you have at least one good food option.
As if eating before you arrived wasn't rude enough. "No, no - your food is rich, delicious and evil! Simply evil! I shan't eat anything but these organic baby carrots I picked up at a health-food store on my way over."
Tip: Avoid the temptation to overeat by not hanging out near the food.
Since hanging out in your host's bedroom is creepy (so I hear) and closets are not conducive to most conversations, especially if you talk a lot with your hands, try the garage.
It may get cold and lonely out there, so bring a sweater.
And a six-pack.
Tip: Mind your portions by using the smallest plate available and loading it mostly with fruit and vegetables.
Of course, there's a good chance the fruit and vegetables being offered will be covered in butter, cheese, peppermint bark or, if you live in rural areas, lime Jell-O. Oh, but YOU brought your own baby carrots, didn't you? La-di-DA!
Tip: For dessert, have small portions of only those items you like the most.
By now, you're starving and the lace on the table doilies looks like spun sugar. So, you sample this dessert to see if you like it most.
Then you sample that one.
Now you go back and try that one again to make sure you reeeeally liked it.
No, no - let's try this one again.
And there you are, face down in the cannoli tray, snorting sweetened ricotta.
At this point, you've realized you're better off staying home with your baby carrots. People then will start to think you're anti-social and, eventually, you'll stop being invited to holiday parties.
Then you'll never gain holiday weight. Problem solved!
To celebrate, you should throw a party of your own because it will allow you to employ this last helpful tidbit:
Tip: When hosting a holiday party, give away all your leftovers.
Oh, and you'll have tons of leftovers. That's because by now all your guests will have also read these articles about how not to overeat during the holidays.
A massive fight will follow in which you, the stick-figured host, and your rail-thin guests pummel each other with bags of baby carrots.
This will make the produce distributor for the local health-food store happy, as you and your friends will have made him rich enough so he can finally afford a personal trainer. And some liposuction.
Anyway, try to have yourself a happy and healthy holiday season, whether you are a party thrower or a partygoer.
If you need me, check the garage.
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