Turkey Surprise

Two packages arrived at our doorstep a few weeks ago that had me giving thanks well before the cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes hit the table this past Thursday.

The first package: a box of wine.

Not that $3.99 cube sitting on a shelf at the 7-Eleven between the fried pork rinds and the dusty orange bottles of STP Super Concentrated Gas Treatment. That’s “box wine,” Goober!

No, this was an actual case of the bottled fermented grape. Stopped up with real corks and wax ‘n‘ stuff. This normally would have meant little to me, the resident beer drinker of Uncool Estates. Besides, My Love had joined an online wine club earlier in the year and cases of malbecs and fruit de loops had been showing up at our place periodically.

This case, however, was the fifth to arrive at our door in the past two weeks. In fact, the last time a case arrived even the FedEx man who delivered it raised his eyebrows and inquired about My Love’s imbibing habits.

Even stranger, My Love has been laying off the vino of late. She had been letting cases pile up so she could work on her goal of living a healthier life through better eating, more exercise and putting the usual kibosh on any suggestion I throw her way especially if it now involves whipped cream and pure Vermont maple syrup.

Package No. 2: Now this is what got my mind right back in the gutter and rolling around in the glorious filth.

This package, the unassuming brown corrugated kind about two shoeboxes in width, bore the return address of … an online costume store.

Hmm … Halloween has already passed …

Store probably had big clearance sales …

Well, some of you have been around here long enough to know what visions of sugar-walled goodness danced in my head. Go ahead, take a guess.

READER 1: “I know! Discounted saucy pirate wench outfit!”

READER 2: “No, no! It’s a cut-priced frilly French maid!”

READER 3: “I’ve got it! Bargain-basement beer wench!”

(Oops – never got around to writing about that last one, did I? Looks like I finally have a completely legitimate reason to post this Oktoberfest photo of Kim Kardashian:

Look at the size of those pretzel loops! Is there anything Kim can’t do? You know, besides productively contribute to society?)

That’s right, friends, I was pretty certain My Love was stocking up for the bender to all benders … and letting me be the beneficiary.

Bless me and thank you, O Mysterious and Magically Delicious Powers That Be, for providing a bounty of trimmings to make for a most glorious feast (in the locked privacy of our room) this season!

But that was many days and icy showers ago.

So here it was, Thanksgiving Day. The turkey gobbled up, the coffee brewing and pumpkin pie warming. Sure, I was thankful for many things, most prominently my being able to wear elastic waistband track pants for the next three days but, golly, I felt a little cheated after letting my imagination run wild for most of the month.

And then, when I least expected it, the mystery of the second box revealed itself – not only to me, but also my incredibly embarrassed children and hysterical parents.

Down the stairs of our home came My Love, looking regal in this:

I could use some of that wine about now.

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Hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving and that you’ll give a little more thanks that in two days I’m shaving off my Movember mustache. You can help celebrate by donating to fight prostate and testicular cancer.