Mocking The Lame (PR Pitches I Receive)

Since a woman first declared 2010 "The Year of the Daddy Blogger" (she might also be a mom, maybe even a mommy blogger, but the use of a woman's ovaries are best left up to her own devices -- or, more precisely, the lack thereof -- so I shan't speculate further), my inbox has literally gone from zero to half a dozen PR pitches a day.

Unfortunately, most of these pitches are lame and the products and services lamer. For example:

They are about mom/woman things. I'm not talking cleaning, ironing and cooking supplies, you presumptive reverse sexists. Those are my areas in the household and there is nothing wrong about that no matter what says the Mother of All Uncoolness (hi, Mom!). I'm talking expensive jewelry for babies, confession Web sites for moms who don't have their own blogs to confess on, and items that provide, um, uh, girly freshness. Is my content that feminine? Where are the microbrewers? The makers of Blu-Ray DVD players with built-in WiFi (like the Panasonic DMP-BD85K or maybe the LG BD570 -- do you need a mailing address)? Damn it, where's my XBox360!

They are addressed to "Mr. ____." A half-point for getting my gender right. However, if you don't know my last name then don't leave it blank, you unpaid PR intern monkey. What's that? You're a VP at the company? Then hire a PR intern monkey, idiot! Geez, at least address me by my first name (hint: it's in my FAQs and my URL.) If nothing else, be a creative suck up. Starting with "Dear Mr. Well-Endowed Blogger" is not going hurt your chances around here.

They hype products tied to idiotic, overexposed "celebrities." I have written about my waistline issues but why would I give a slutty Kardashian about what type of girdle one of those reality show harlots wears to squeeze in her post-baby belly? Especially without sending me an actual slutty Kardashian to model it for me. (Note to that marketing agency: I'm partial to this one, especially in this saucy pirate outfit:

And, yes, I'll pay for the postage. Delivery only, though.)

They are about inappropriate products. I'm not talking sex toys. Those are perfectly fine between consenting adults, assuming your household contains adults (mine -- yes) who consent (meh). I'm talking items that run quite counter to my core beliefs. My favorite to date? Right after I ranted about overpriced high chairs, a company sends me an e-mail pimping not only a $600 baby stroller but some bizarro artwork some "well-known artist" did of said stroller. First, people who are well known don't need to be introduced as such. Second, what the fluck, flunky flak?

That's why I'm happy to announce an actual PR pitch worthy of this little blog that benefits me and YOU, my dear loyal readers and irregular commenters. (No, it's not a deal with Fiber One, but that also would be appropriate for our collective colons.)

Details will appear here Thursday. Tune back in then.

Meanwhile, fill me in on the most inane PR pitch you have every received. Or your favorite Kardashian. Sex toys, optional.