Wednesday, November 16, 2011

This One Has Teeth

I'm at the point in this mustache growing gig where I'm hesitant to leave the house for fear of having to make visual contact with others while having this THING on my face.

I’m even embarrassed to look you in the eyes.

movember day 15 dad blog uncool

However, venture forth I must. Today it was the dentist’s office for my semi-annual cleaning.

Whereas strangers I encounter who see this caterpillar orgy going on around my lips have no clue I don’t normally look like I’m auditioning for the part of Otto in a remake of A Fish Called Wanda …

otto fish called wanda dad blog
… it’s a different story with my dental hygienist.

I see her only once every six months for maybe 20 minutes at a shot, but it’s possibly the most intimate relationship in my life outside of my marriage.

Think about: Would your partner ever floss you? Would you trust him or her to poke around your soft tissue  with a sharp metal object? No. Besides, it’s hard not to feel a certain bond with someone when you have little choice but to stare up into her pale blue eyes while she stares down at the tarter build-up on your No. 17 occlusal surface.

So no sooner does she sees me standing in the waiting room yesterday and it’s all “so what’s, uh, going on, uh with that” and lots of index finger circles around her mouth.

I lay out my tale and she’s at least amused if not confused. Trying to explain the connection between growing a mustache on one’s face and the health of one’s prostate (well, you know where that is) has that effect.

Then it’s sexy time. Scrap, floss and polish. The ol’ rinse and spit. Mmm, give me that good oral hygiene, one mo’ time.

When we finish, she calls in my dentist of nearly 20 years for a final review of my choppers. And my facial growth.

“Everything looks perfect, as usual,” she says. “Except for that mustache he brought in with him.”

I ran through the whole Movember scenario with him and well, let me sum it this way:

I left the dentist’s office today with three sample tubes of Sensodyne toothpaste for a finicky filling and $100 to support men’s health issues.

I also left with the knowledge that if I ever need to hire my own PR person, she’s going to wear powder blue scrubs, latex gloves and scent of Cool Mint Listerine very well.

* * *

Now it’s your turn. Donate now to help my mustache in this Movember fight against prostate cancer and other issues threatening men’s health.

22 comments:

  1. It's K-K-K-Kevin! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Kevin?

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  2. Nice get on the donation. And apparently someone has very fancy teeth.

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  3. B.E. - You stole the caption I had in mind for the photo!

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  4. It's coming along quite nicely. A hundred bucks from the dentist! Wow, wonder if he thought it was like "pulling teeth".

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  5. Your Movember is pretty damn cool! I'm suitably impressed!

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  6. B.E. - lol.

    At least you didn't lift your arm and inhale. You didn't, right?

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  7. I'm going to the dentist tomorrow. I can only pray that the hygenist doesn't think I have a mustache.

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  8. It's not the 'stache, it's the soul patch. Trust me on this one.

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  9. Congrats!

    People look at me weird both before and after I tell them the "why" for this 'stache.

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  10. Very cool. Cool that you left the dental office with a donation AND that you're about three days away from settling into John Oates status with that sweet, sweet 'stache.

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  11. I need to find a new dentist. I have no such loving relationship with my hygienist. The dentist is the last place I want to go. But, if you can find intimacy with your dental care provider, perhaps I can, too. The search continues.

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  12. I agree with Cheryl - lose the soul patch!!
    Nice score on the donation, though!
    Now spit!

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  13. it is not so bad - mine makes me look more French (the other half of me), but have a lot of grey!
    Besides you must remember that the Thanksgiving day feast lasts longer with a 'stash!

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  14. I happen to think it looks sexy. =)
    Way to go dentist. That is fabulous. So glad your lip-hair is working for you.

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  15. Mustache without soul patch = Village People.

    Mustache with soul patch = Pearl Jam. You do the math.

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  16. Whitemist - Without the soul patch, Kevin Kline's Otto is the guy in the French Kiss movie with Meg Ryan.

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  17. Well I for one don't think it looks that heinous. It's far better than the one that the woman from eastern Europe who works in the deli near us sports everyday.

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  18. Boomer - Did she used to be an Olympic weightlifter back in the day?

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  19. Way to bring in the cash, man. My hygienist babbles about, uh, hygienist stuff the whole time, and there I am laying there, unable to respond with anything but "uh-huh. uh? uh-uh."

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  20. I'm loving the Fountains of Wayne t-shirt. It makes you look less like someone who has a legal obligation to notify his neighbors of his proximity. ;)

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