Thursday, December 18, 2008

Lose Weight: Empty Your Wallet Here

My varsity baseball coach once told me you should be at your heaviest in the winter to help you stay warm. I'm not sure what his point was since he weighed about 320 year-round.

This holiday season, if you wish to maintain your slim, sexy svelte physique (c'mon, shake a tailfeather, honey … yeah, baby, like a bowl full of jelly) then you definitely should read my column in this month's Aetherial Relaxation Spa newsletter.

"Uncool," you say, "I've got presents to buy, cookies to bake, day laborers to hire to untangle those crappy icicle lights I bought on sale at Ace Hardware in 2004 so I can get them hung up on the gutters before frickin' Martin Luther King's Day arrives. Why should I click over to another Web site to read your column?"

I'm glad I had you ask.

First, Beth -- the world's most generous spa owner -- has agreed to donate $1 (up to $100) to the Cure JM Foundation for each unique visitor to my column. That money will help pay for some medical folks at Children's Memorial Research Center in Chicago to continue to look for a cure for juvenile dermatomyositis, the autoimmune disease Thing 1 has been dealing with for the past six years.

Second, my column (you'll click on it eventually) contains many great, simple tips for avoiding that holiday heft. As you expect, I unmercifully ridicule them all as being just the kind of phony baloney Dr. Phil-ish dribble that gives me periodic apoplexy.

Third, it's actually pretty funny. I mean, Beth laughed harder at it than she laughed the first time she saw me on the massage table naked. An assistant had to make her snort six bottles of lavender aromatherapy oil to mellow her out after that experience.

So go read my column. Please?

Still here? So am I. Could have done better than this?

I want to thank those of you who have been generous enough to contribute to or plug what we're doing with Cure JM Foundation. With your help, My Love and I have raised $20,000+ with a solid month left to find the last five grand to meet our goal (check the cool widget on the right of my blog home or our fundraising page for updates).

With few exceptions, most of you I know only through an e-mail address, blog URL or goofy nickname. Who the hell are you and why are you so good to my kid? Do you have a sister or maybe a cousin?

Seriously, and you know how hard it is for me to be serious, you're good eggs. A little cracked, maybe, but that makes me love you all the more. Perfection is boring; flaws are very sexy.

Shout-outs to:

All That Comes With It
DadCentric (for letting me write about my adventures with JM far too much)
Daily Piglet
Fairfield County Child
It’s My Life and I'll Blog if I Want To
Manager Mom (not dead, just not blogging)
Mediocrity Mockery (folks, always be nice to your temps)
Midwest Moms (PR is as good as money)
Mom of 2
Post Picket Fence
Seriously Mama
Unmitigated (I saw your plug for BHJ, you sneak)

Special thanks to:

  • Anissa from Hope4Peyton: She's got a kid recovering from cancer and she still donated to me. May I dry clean your cape?
  • Anna from Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder: Out of the blue, you tossed not-so-funny money our way. I'll never rat you out to the Feds. Ever.
  • Kristine at Stamford Talk: One of the people who got me into blogging. My first commentor. A very generous donor ... on a teacher's salary, no less.

Finally, super extra non-sarcastic special thanks to Black Hockey Jesus of The Wind in Your Vagina. I goaded him into running the 13-mile half marathon in Carlsbad, Calif., next month on behalf of Thing 1. He responded by getting a mess of his readers -- who I'm sure fought suspicions of a major scam -- to donate more than $1,100 to date to support his fallen arches for the cause. Dude, Thing 1 has a special message for you:

If I failed to mention your generosity, I apologize. Drop me a line and I'll correct the wrong.

Or charge a few more bucks on your credit card at That'll teach me a lesson I won't forget.

And if you visit and vote for my posts, I'll untangle those icicle lights for you.


  1. Oh man, I can't be the only one made incredibly hungry by that column of yours. I feel like violating every rule in there at least once.

    That sounds almost as wrong as it feels.

    I'm so happy you guys are having such luck raising funds-- she's a great kid, and she definitely deserves all of the attention and support!

  2. So it's good manners to be chubby? Cool! That way I am always polite.

    I am glad to know that we are practically neighbors. Dude, I could probably walk over to your house.

    Sounds kind of creepy. Sorry.

  3. I'm so glad to know it's okay that I'm going to gain about 1000 pounds this holiday season. We weren't going to do anything, but suddenly, I'm hosting my family. So, I guess that means I get to serve them all peeled baby carrots??

    Good luck with Thing 1 and congrats on all the funds raised!!

  4. Lonely or not, I'll be hanging with the beer fridge throughout the holidays. I will socialize only long enough to go inside and get more ham. Happy holidays!!!!

  5. I'm on my way to read your column now because I desperately need to feel okay about the extra, um, "insulation" I'm wearing to protect myself here in the arctic climate of...Santa Monica.

    Egg nog: my nemesis. [urp]

    Thanks for the sweet shout-out - I know you'll reach your goal!

    Merry Christmas!

    :^) Anna

  6. okay, okay... i'll go read your column! ;)

    i'm new here, so i didn't know about all this.. i'll go do my homework..

  7. Well, and at naked massages, but seriously, I was all in at click.

  8. Okay so I read your column, but do I get to sign in or something like that? Otherwise I'll hit it with every email address at my disposal! (lol)

  9. Haha! My husband and I did try to eat healthy snacks before a party last year...later that night when we got home we were both so sick because we hadn't curbed our eating at the party AT ALL - so we were just even more full than normal. Argh. I'm with you -- we'll be in the garage. hahaha!

  10. I am ALL about the heavy cups! You are full of wisdom and...stuff.

    My cape? Big enough to cover us all.


  11. Congratulations on the money raised, that's a serious amount of cash!

  12. I like your blog!ver good!

  13. OKay, okay, I went to the column, signed up, etc., etc.
    Now, where's the champagne?

  14. I loved the column! I'm in the midst of family funness...which is worse than being at home and having to avoid the holiday parties, because honestly, people don't like me all that much so I don't get invited many places.

    But here, my mother in law (I'm guessing it's because I don't have a mom and she feels the need to fill in) keeps plying me with food. "Here eat this." "It's just a little bit" (said when she gives me a whole plate of food). I have to avoid her or they won't let me on the plane to leave.

  15. Hey, Kevin.

    I've read *your column* and visited the *fundraising page* and I want you to know that you and your family and especially your daughter are in our prayers.

    I did my best to spread the word with a little link love and a blog award -- it's a little feminine, but be flexible with it... you can always share it with your daughter (or, if no one is looking, you can try it on for size... I mean, lots of people do it, right?)

    Seriously, though, it's my gift to you over at Midwest Moms. Hope it brings some traffic and funds your way.

    Have a great holiday season with your family. As for me, I'm off to the buffet for a heavy dose of nog. ;)


  16. Is it good to be chubby??? so I am far behind in the race :( got to work real hard...

  17. I might as well be dead if I'm not blogging, right?

  18. P.S. thanks for the holiday party - was a blast! The Boy has some new Pokemon cards that he is anxious to compare with Thing 2's.

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