Saturday, December 13, 2008

Merry Me in Nebraska

This weekend, I'll be at my niece-in-law's wedding in Nebraska. I'm sure it will be great, but it has a lot to live up to based on the two previous nuptials I've attended in Cornhusker Country.

The first was your standard church wedding followed by a huge buffet dinner at the local airfield Quonset hut. About midway through, a group of male party-goers kidnapped the bride, hauled her through the snowy night to a bar for shots of Wild Turkey and a drink of champagne from her shoes.

(Kids, on that last item, trust me -- sparkling wine is no match for sweaty bride toes. A nice Chianti, perhaps ...)

I, still a lifelong Northeastern at that point, was told that kidnapping the bride and getting her sloshed was a Nebraska tradition. A tradition, I should note, not approved of by her newly minted mother-in-law who, back at the Holiday Inn later that night, referred to her daughter-in-law as "that slut."

Divorce followed a few years later.

After that experience, I felt fully prepared for my second wedding a few years later. However, I failed to factor in two things: the bride-to-be was My Love's best friend and she, as well as her husband-to-be, were both morticians.
People, you've never partied until you've partied with Midwestern morticians in love.

To sum up the pre- and post-martial event highlights:

The night before the wedding much alcohol was consume. I may have danced on a table. Later, I may have ended up under said table. Someone definitely ended up in My Love's pants. While she was still wearing them. Elastic waistbands -- comfort and convenience, folks, it's all about comfort and convenience in Nebraska.
Said Pants-Dancer, a person My Love had been good friends with since they met at a college party and she promptly vomited on him, split the evening between a hotel room with two married women and the backseat of his car.

The marriage ceremony was held in the funeral parlor's chapel. Some call it circle of life. Some call it creepy. I call it a wicked contact high courtesy the formaldehyde being used in the embalming room downstairs.

The room the reception was held in also served as the local VFW hall. First time I ever bought scratch cards at a reception before. Cha-ching -- $2 winner, barkeep!
The bride's mom served us guests sausage and peppers on Wonder bread at the reception. Now you know why My Love brought pants with an elastic waistband.

Also in Nebraska, you have what is called a Dollar Dance. Everyone lines up and pays a dollar to dance with either the bride or the groom. One of the people collecting the dollars on behalf of the happy couple that night was Pants-Dancer. When my turn came up, I tucked a George in his cummerbund and folks, let me tell you, the boy can dip.

Now that you know this, if I'm not back here by Wednesday morning, alert the authorities. Tell them to bring more formaldehyde.
And some Odor Eaters.

Video: "Right Here in Nebraska," The String Beans


  1. Ah, so close and yet so far...and I just cashed my paycheck and have a pocket full of Washingtons.

  2. I don't see how a wedding held in a funeral home could possibly go wrong!

  3. That sounds better than my bday weekend in Vegas! Have fun and remember to hydrate :)

  4. Mum-in-laws who hate their DIL's need to just drink and keep their loathing to themselves. Sluttiness reaps it's own miserable reward without their help.

  5. despite the risk of geographism, I find whenever you leave the 60 mile radius of NYC, you can expect the unexpected at a wedding. Dollar dance, garter belts, or, the worst......CASH BAR!!!!!!

    So I'm guessing the in-laws know not of your blog, my man???

  6. This post alone is going to give me nightmares about my approaching wedding and my Midwestern in-laws...

  7. sounds like a wedding I went to ...served ham sandwiches and cheese doodle, did the dollar dance, and when the DJ played Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" the girls lined up on one side and the boys on the other for a sing-off.

    ~and this was not in Nebraska!

  8. I have only been to a few weddings, and they were in Illinois and Florida. They were lame. I need to find a frind in Nebraska, 'cuz damn, that shindig sounds like fun!

  9. Ahh.... the Midwest. I miss thee somedays. There is no such thing as too much liquor at Midwestern celebrations. Which explained my overstocked bar at my wedding. "But there were friends coming from the Midwest. I'll need a lot of alcohol."

  10. I once used o work for a firm of undertakers. You're right. They sure can party.

    If there's an opportunity to party today, they'll take it. Because they see, in their work, what might just happen tomorrow.

  11. This sounds like an Anthony Bourdain travel show.

    Don't they involve going to the Omaha steaks factory?

    Good luck dude.

  12. For the Dollar Dance, is the accepted custom to tuck the dollar into the nuptial g-string?

  13. That sounds really fun except the puking part. But wait, this isn't YOUR wedding right?

  14. That slut.

    I love it!

    Premonition of a happy relationship.

  15. Wait wait what?

    OK, someone got in Your Love's pants- and that person wasn't you?

    OK, I think I got it. Just had to parse it out.

    Wow. That mortician wedding sounds out of control!

  16. I had a boyfriend from Nebraska. He was Native American and he was a wild party boy!

    I can totally see Nebraska being THE place to be.

    Love that song too!

  17. once at an unnamed Greenwich country club the black sheep cousin from Hawaii who was perhaps high on some kind of Maui acid did a traditional dance (aka: hula style) about the slaughtering of a virgin on a volcano. she had a boom box of her own and everything. and scarves. and it lasted a good twenty minutes.

    until right now, after reading this post, i though THAT was the greatest wedding ever.

  18. Midwest Mortitians in Love.

    Band name or new Jim Jarmusch film?

  19. And I thought my Sister in law's reception at a dive bar where you grill your own steaks and the main attraction was drunken mechanical bull-riding was a night to remember...

    Hope you had fun! -MM

  20. Like I needed another reason not to go to Nebraska.

  21. lol .. that was so much interesting !!


REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.


My Uncool Past