Thursday, January 22, 2009

Having Fits over Fitness

If you are like most Americans, you made a New Year's resolution to get fit and live healthy. Then, you blew it all during the first week by doing something like diving face first into a convenience store display of Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies.

"Bur hroatmurr res grud fer ruu," you sputter.

True, oatmeal is good for you (you have marshmallow fluff, right there … no, higher … got it), but your transgression proves a theory of mine. New Year's resolutions are like speed limits -- always broken but never without an excellent excuse.

Getting fit, it is said, is a long-term process you achieve through baby steps (unless, of course, you're of a tax bracket that allows it to be a short-term process you superficially achieve through plastic surgery -- in that case, kudos to you). Therefore, if you make small adjustments to your everyday routine today you'll be healthy not tomorrow, not next week, but maybe just in time to drop dead from old age. And old age is a good long-term goal!

Don't believe me? Then let me guide you through some popular ideas for creating a healthy lifestyle in 2009 that people making a lot more money than I am have been spouting on the talk shows and in respected medical journal's like O Magazine:

Skip the elevator/escalator and take the stairs! A great cardiovascular workout and it tightens the glutes, so I can't argue with this … if you live and work on the 83rd floor of the Empire State Building. In the town I live in we have like three buildings over four stories high. I blame our region's planning and zoning commissions. I demand restitution for their inadequate contemplation of our collective buttocks!

Park as far from the front door of your destination as possible and walk! This is not usually a problem in my town, especially when it's raining, you're in a hurry or -- like my children -- you occasionally forgot to put on pants. So when I plan to indulge in a particularly heavy, fatty meal at a fine restaurant, for example, I counterbalance the extra calories by parking even a little farther away than normal. Like in south Jersey (I walk the Parkway, not the Turnpike back -- the added curves and tolls enhance the burn!)

Drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day! Recent research has raised doubts about this long-held belief. However, I say, poppycock! Balderdash! Antidisestablishmentarism! The study author obviously doesn't have two kids and a wife who conspire to be in the potty every frickin' time he needs to relieve himself. The "I gotta go but I can't go here" jig works muscle groups I can't even begin to discuss with you because of my subsequent giggling.

Two shots of vodka, a little rum, some bitters, a smidgen of vinegar, a shot of vermouth, a shot of gin, a shot of scotch, a little brandy, a lemon peel, orange peel, cherry, some more scotch! Ooops, that's the recipe for an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater. I don't recommend this. Especially near open flames.

When talking on the phone, stand, stretch and move! Of course, until you build up your stamina, you might find yourself being a little winded during phone conversations and breathing heavy. Pro: You might get a date out of it! Con: You might be slapped with a harassment suit!

So you see -- there's no miracle cure, folks. Just try to eat better foods, consume fewer calories and exercise more. If you must, consider joining a good gym.

But not until about Feb. 13. That's when all the other people who made resolutions to get fit and healthy give up and sell their annual memberships at drastically reduced prices. This is so they can afford to purchase Whitman's Samplers for their favorite phone callers.


  1. A toast to getting in shape. Vodka, of course--fewer carbs.


  2. You chose the one universal weakness of every Mom who packs her children's lunch for school -- Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies!

    Maybe if I stand-stretch-move while I steal one? Will that work??

    ;D Here's to February! -MM

  3. There is a miracle cure though, uncool! I have experienced it first had and lost 45 pounds in 4 months! Just develop a removable tumor in your fourth ventricle of the brain! Surgery to remove the tumor and a 6 week stay in the hospital with one side trip 2 months later is guaranteed to work. It has been 3 months with minimal activity and I have only gain 10 pounds back. So try it, if you are really serious!

  4. I eat standing up. Gravity works.
    Plus- if you eat directly out of the actually lose weight from exerting all that energy with the bending and reaching.

  5. LITTLE DEBBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

    and I amgoing to have to try that Alaskan Polar Bear Heater...sounds deadly.

    lastly....don't mees with me on the paking spot that I has to be perfect...and close to the front me...I get so much shit from ManicMariah about that one.

  6. Everything in the post was enlightened. Especially that bit about Polar Bear Heaters.... definitely not a drink for smokers!

    But what I really want to know is: How long have you been planning on dropping "Antidisestablishmentarism!" into a post??

  7. Argh - I've already dumped the resolution. It's much easier if I can get the spouse to join me but with the kids... I know I know, that what everyone says, but still!

  8. These are all great suggestions! Might I also add keeping a set of hand weights near your couch so you can do a few tricep curls and overhead bicep dips during commercial breaks? The weights also come in handy when you're watching any reality program on VH1 and you feel the urge to throw something at the dumb women on Bret Michael's Rock of Love Bus.

  9. Cripes this all sounds like a lot of work. I think I'll just keep saving up for lipo...

  10. I thought the use a small plate and don't go back for seconds would be worth at least two trips to Oprah's. Oh well, what do I know.

  11. It's like we used to say in the bakery where I worked many years ago: whatever you eat while you are still punched in on the time clock does not have calories. Stupid, n'est ce pas?

  12. I've never met a post using the word antidisestablishmentarism, or a Keebler Elf Fudge Stick, I didn't like.

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  14. That? Was brilliant. Sheer brilliance.

  15. As a huge yoga fan (wait, I'm a fan of yoga in a big way -- this is not to say that I am huge...) I cannot wait until 2/13 when all the resolution makers give it up and stop clogging up my classes.
    That's right. My classes.
    Loved the post!

  16. One word: Sex.

    You can do it with a partner or by yourself. The pounds will melt off.

  17. take two beers and forget about it.
    that's my plan at least.

  18. the other thing I found essential is find someone else to work out with. I started in the beginning of December so I'd have a running start for January :)

  19. Hi! Come pick up an award at my place!

  20. This is perfect! I work on the 30th floor and the "don't take the elevator" works as long as I don't mind going into cardiac arrest on the 24th floor.

  21. Okay ... I'm drinking the water, I'm not giving up the meat lovers pizza though. FREAKING bacon dood!!

  22. May I suggest a technique I've been using for a while now with great success.
    My chair has wheels. Between each comment and visit to favorite blogs ... I push myself away from my desk and sit-walk my way back.
    You should see my calves!

  23. Yeah, I have to laugh at how busy our gym is the first weekend after the beginning of the new year. Like you said, losing / maintaining weight is darn simple - just eat smarter and exercise.

  24. "...unless, of course, you're of a tax bracket that allows it to be a short-term process you superficially achieve through plastic surgery..."

    This is my dream, my ultimate goal. So much easier.

    Thanks for the blog comment...and the fries.

  25. LOL - I'm set re: the exercise while talking on the phone. If anything, my wife says I move around too much while I'm talking. I'm a pacer.

    As for the 8 glasses of water, we try. Or was that 8 glasses of Alaskan Polar Bear Heater?

  26. diving face first into a convenience store display of Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies.


    although, I dunno...I hold you a little suspect...there's no admonishment to have lots of sex.hmmmm


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