Some blogging buddies of mine recently decided to embark on a new venture -- world domination via social marketing. They're starting small, though. This week they are simply conquering the United States.
One of their business colleagues was going to be in my area yesterday, so they asked me if I could show her around and share with her some insights into my home state of Connecticut. Since they were offering me no money, no stock options and not even a fleeting flash of their breasts for this work, I naturally agreed.
I opened the door and there she stood in a red and gold bustier and knee-high stiletto boots.
All eleven-and-one-quarter inches of her.
"Hey there,stud," she purred with a voice I could have felt in my hip pocket had I only been wearing pants. "I'm Mona. Mona from Moxie Media. You should have been expecting me."
"Uh, yes, I was. Forgive me for staring, but did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like ..."
"A bustier Megan Fox?"
"A sexier Angelina Jolie?"
"Yes, baby. I get that all the time."
"Well, um ... be that as it may," I said, "let, uh, let me change my clothes then we can get started. Sound good?"
"Yes, baby" she growled throatily, "all except that part about you and clothes. I've been through all the other 49 states this week and you're the first male escort I've had. Rrowlllllll."
Six minutes later, we were in The Manly Minivan, Barry White playing softly in the background and us cruising through my hometown.
"Since you're with a media company and all, I thought I'd drive you around to some of the many locations in Stamford that have be featured in movies and TV over the years. In between stops, I'll give you some background on the entire state of Connecticut."
"Lay it on me, stud."
"Uh, OK. Here we go. Connecticut was founded in 1627 by renegade Massachusetts pilgrims who challenged Rhode Island to boring contest. Unfortunately, we won. Hence, our state bird is the robin, our state song is "Yankee Doodle" and stores are not allowed to sell alcohol on Sunday."
"Hmm," she mused. "Good thing it's Thursday. How about you and I get butterscotch liqueur, Cool Whip and --"
"Whoa! There's our first stop! Cove Island Park!"
We hopped out of the minivan and walked to the end of the boat launch.
"Cove Island was the scene of two major motion pictures," I told her. "Reservation Road, released right before Joaquin Phoenix went off his nut and became a Hasidic rapper. All the park and water scenes were filmed right around here. The movie, though, was a flop.
"More importantly, Cove Island was the setting for The Horror of Party Beach, the world's 'first horror monster musical' and definitely its worst. It was so bad it was featured on Season 8 of Mystery Science Theater 3000."
After a quick swing by the former arts theater that now serves as the home for Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and Steve Wilkos, (Mona declined having her photo taken there), we hit another part of the waterfront.
"Do you recognize that?" I said as she gracefully straddled a fence post.
"Mmm, well, sweetie, don't flatter yourself too --"
"No, no, no -- I mean the building behind you!"
"That's the Stamford branch of Dunder Mifflin from the TV series The Office."
"Oo-oo! I love Jim! I just want to take some gel to that tousle of hair he has. Then I want to ride h--"
"Sorry, Mona. As you should recall, the Stamford branch was closed. It's a sad day when your hometown gets bitch-slapped. By Scranton, no less. Besides, they didn't film anything here but the exterior of the building. However, I do have a real-life Jim-related spot for you to see. And away we go!"
With that we headed north until we stopped right here:
"I don't get it," she said looking at the screen on the back of my camera. "And why am I fuzzy in all these shots?"
"Uh, that's soft focus to romanticize your raging femininity. Like they did with Cybil Shepard on Moonlighting. Now, look at this photo. Maybe it will help:"
She pondered the photo. "Say, those are the same trees in front of us. And same walkway. And that's JIM HALPERT ON THAT SAME WALKWAY!"
Once I pried Mona off the very flagstone actor John Krasinski stood on, I explained that this house was used last year for a scene in the Sam Mendes movie Away We Go. To date, its the only time in motion picture history that a scene that was supposed to take place in Colorado was actually filmed in Connecticut.
"So, Mona," I said. "Do you like shopping?"
We took a spin by the Stamford Town Center, which is neither in a town nor the center of Stamford. It's a mall. Here I showed her the parking garage and main courtyard where much of the Woody Allen-Bette Milder flop Scenes from a Mall was shot in 1990:
This shooting was allegedly the first time Woody Allen ever stepped in a mall. After the reviews came out, some say he stepped in something else. It was also only the second time in motion picture history that a scene that was supposed to take place in California was actually filmed in Connecticut. The first time was The Horror of Party Beach.
"I detect a trend," Mona said with a wink and a nod. And a hand on my thigh.
"O-o-o-o-K, time to wrap this up with the mother of all entertainment centers," I said as I hit the gas peddle.
"Here we are," I said. "The creators of Raw. The geniuses behind Smackdown! The people who put the handlebar in Hulk Hogan's mustache. It's the headquarters of World Wresting Entertainment. Pretty awesome, huh? And if that's not cool enough, their CEO Linda McMahon is now running to be the next U.S. senator from Connecticut."
"Wow," she said looking up with those bedroom eyes, "now can I get you in sleeper hold?"
"No, thanks," I said, "I think I already put my readers in one a few paragraphs back."
Thanks for visiting and best of luck to Laura at Better in Bulk, Angie at Seven Clown Circus, Jill at Scary Mommy, Kathy at Mama’s Losin’ It, and Francesca and Kacey at Mayhem and Moxie on their new venture. Cheers!