Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Loathing of This Not-So-Long Distance Runner

I'd like to write a real post for you, but I have to run.

Not figuratively. For reals.

One foot in front of the other, knees up, arms pumping. Ooof. I'm breathing heavy thinking about it. Medic!

The shirt I'm destined to pass out inI'm still stumbling through my training program to help me stumble through a 5K in Baltimore to raise money on behalf of Li’l Diva and Cure JM Foundation next month. With only a few weeks to go, I can say without qualification that when I keel over that finish line I will leave one sweaty but fit corpse.

You may recall that I've had flirtations with jogging before, usually after unsuccessful bouts of buttoning my pants. Nearly of all of these fitness fits ended with not-so-subtle reminders from my body that running is best left to refrigerators.

However, our real family runner, My Love, had knee surgery a few weeks ago following advice from her doctor that the bottom half of her right leg might randomly fall off. This would require us to change her name to Peg.

As a result, I'm taking her place. I'm also working on an apology letter to the National Asphalt Makers and Layers Association.

I've been adhering to a running schedule that I found online (because everything on the Internet is helpful and true) that gradually lengthens my distance and running time in hope of turning this couch potato (honestly, I'm more of a "desk doughnut") into a 5K competitor. Three times a week, I’ve been slogging around the track at school near our house and, as of today, I can confidently report that [checks pulse] I'm still alive.

Running has definitely increased my stamina. I now only require CPR every other run. It hasn't helped with my memory or math skills, though. I've lost count of my laps several times. Sadly, each time my goal was running three.

Yet somehow this past weekend, I managed 2.25 miles (3.62 kilometers for the metrically inclined or 7920 cubits for those building flood arks). It didn’t feel good but I’d be seriously concerned if it did.

The one thing all my huffing and puffing has produced, aside from yellow stains under the armpits of several T-shirts, is a smile on My Love’s lips. Every time I roll my eyes and groan "I'm going for a run," her entire face lights up the way mine does when party hosts offer me beer. Of course, these days My Love is on a lot of Vicodin.

Whoa. Look at the time. Let me throw some sneakers on my feet, Band-Aids on my nipples and Vaseline between my thighs. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I write.

And obviously, I have some real issues with chafing.

+ + +

Our family is halfway to our fundraising goal of $20,000. Please throw a few tax-deductible dollars our way to help Li’l Diva and other children with juvenile myositis kick this disease’s butt.

Donate to the Uncools’ FirstGiving page at http://tinyurl.com/JM-donate-online.

17 comments:

  1. I've been running a bunch lately, too, because I have a fitness test for the Reserves next month, and when I was having allergy-induced asthma, I couldn't run for shit this summer, meaning my fitness level is in the toilet. I don't like it.

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    1. Does pretending you have angry bulls on your tail as you run through narrow Spanish streets help with motivation.

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  2. Congrats on your progress so far! After 41 years of avoiding anything to do with exercise, I started a running program last year. After months of misery - I actually started to enjoy it.

    I hope you find the same at some point. And buy some "body glide" it is a miracle worker on blisters and chafing :)

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    1. It is on my shopping list. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  3. I'mma start measuring my runs in cubits from now on. Good idea.

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  4. Did you run when you were younger? I used to play soccer at a fairly high level, and I ran at least 5 miles a day. I ran the Warrior Dash (a 5K with obstacles), and was pissed off at my time and lack of stamina. I guess a couple of decades of drinking beer does take a toll, huh?

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    Replies
    1. I played a lot of sports but avoid running at all costs. Hence I was always a goalie or catcher.

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  5. I like to find wooded trails and pretend I'm Hawkeye from The Last of the Mohicans chasing down Madeline Stowe. It feels epic. But when I'm stuck in the concrete jungle near L.A., I'm mostly just a wheezing sweaty mess.

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    1. Running in the woods here is tempting fate to give you Lyme disease and/or West Nile virus.

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    2. Right, but how fast does West Nile virus run? You just have to be a little faster than that.

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  6. "I'm also working on an apology letter to the National Asphalt Makers and Layers Association." That made me laugh!

    You're making excellent progress, and good luck in the race next month! Also, congrats on raising so much money so far. That's terrific!

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    1. Obviously, your health care needs will be my next cause. Thanks.

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  7. We did couch to 5K in July to run our first 5K on Sept. 8, then last Sunday we ran another. I hate running but damn, that finish line is addicting. The kids really love it... Youngest finished this last one in 32 minutes.

    Too bad Baltimore is so far... I'd send Youngest to run circles around you, as he does us.

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  8. The check is in the mail. For reals.

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  9. Just checked with the in-home expert & Body Glide's the way to go to avoid chafing (except for those pesky nipples ~ band-aids all the way).

    I know you're going to get this done & not die trying. What happened to the young gun's run? Thought the boyo was running too.

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