Dear PR/Marketing People Sending Me Pitches for Father’s Day, Etc.

Let me help you. Please.

I had your job before, making cold calls and email pitches. It sucks. Allow me to make your life easier.

Unless you are offering to pay me a decent wage (see #SwifferDads campaign) to write about your product or brand, or you are offering to give me a pricey and/or sexy product (think Bluetooth headphones, flat-screen TVs, sports cars, lots and lots of tasty alcohol, etc.), just save yourself the time and effort.

I have no interest in running your high-res photos of celebrity dads giving their kids BPA-free high colonics.

Or wearing your neckties made of Free Trade quinoa. I work at home. The world is lucky if I remember to pull something over my underwear when I walk outside to grab the newspaper.

And seriously, no baby products. My youngest kid is almost 9. And he’s a dog.

Cold calling and pitching sucks. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuu-UCKS! It’s rarely rewarding, especially if you don’t know much about who you are pitching to; it’s time consuming and mostly a waste of your boss’s or client’s money. But hey, if that’s what they expect you to do, I get it. Gotta keep those   interns busy.

Nevertheless, if you must send me a pitch know this: If I don’t respond to the initial one or your first follow-up, just take me off your list and move on.

Still, if you persist in following up on your first request every other day for two weeks despite my repeated lack of response, let me give you a tip. DO NOT your start it off like this:

And, of course, the email subject line makes no sense. (I’m assuming ‘'thought” should be “taught.”) Mistakes like that happen. Lord knows you can find a zillion typos in this blog.

Then again, no one is paying me to write this stuff.

Especially not you.

I wish you best of luck in your work and personal lives.

Peace and Love from Your Pal,

Dear Ms./Mr. Hey Firstname