Thursday, July 24, 2008

BlogHer '08 and the Damage Done

will ferrell ron burgundy
Pardon the interruption. This is Reggie Hartner of IWitless News with a late-breaking, special report on what appears to be a mob of women wreaking havoc in the San Francisco Bay area. Let's go to Special Correspondent Todd Zalinsky for details. Todd.

Yes, Reg, thanks. I'm standing here in by the ruins of what was The Westin St. Francis Hotel in the Union Square section of town. It was here that hundreds of thousands of the so-called "fairer sex" reduced this haven of 17-channels-of-pay-per-view-porn into this:

earthquake damage
Are those … are those signs … in Chinese, Todd?

Yes, Reg, you are seeing correctly. We're pretty close to Chinatown. That's my favorite dim sum shack just to the left.

Todd, do we know who these women are and why they went on this rampage?

Glad you asked, Reg. These ladies were here for what we were told was "conference" on "blogging."

Blogging?

Yes, Reg. It's some sort of fad involving fingers and mice. Pretty kinky stuff, but then, this is the City of Love where you'll find Big Brother holding company with gassy painted women while ridin' in a hole in the ground. You know, how it is, Reg.

Too well, I'm afraid. Well, what exactly caused the riot, Todd?

Reg, it seems these ladies had been brought together by some of the most evil geniuses known to mankind …

The Taliban?

No, Reg.

Fannie Mae loan officers?

Uh-uh.

Married illegal-immigrant homosexuals bearing salmonella-laced chimichanga components?

Not even in the same league.

Then who, Todd?

Marketing executives, Reg. The chief adverts and perverts of General Motors, HP, Microsoft, Starbucks, KY Jelly …

KY Jelly? Is even our, uh, I mean, THE bedroom no longer sacred?

It gets worse, Reg. Even McCain was involved.

Senator McCain? The Republican nominee?

No, Reg. The people who make … smiley fries.

mccain smiley friesGood God, man. This IS serious.

Seriously involving alcohol, Reg. Seems these fat cats plied these women with apple-tinis and Comsos like it was the second-coming of the "Sex and the City" movie premiere. It was all part of their plan to get inside their digital pants, to coin a phrase. They wanted these so-called "mommy bloggers" to plug their overpriced, made-in-China, lead-based, non-flag-pin wearing wares on their Web sites. Their M.O. was to motivate these vunerable vixen under the guise of sisterhood and profit.

Make money for running advertisements? That sounds fine to me, Todd?

Yes, it does, Reg, until these liquored-up ladies learned they would be making less than a one armed Honduran school girl with a lazy eye sewing clothes for Kathie Lee Gifford.

Tragic.

Yes, Reg, tragically square-to-be-hip were these boozy broads in the City of Broad Shoulder Pads who apparently came here with dreams of book deals for scribbling about poopy diapers and mad money for Manolo Blahniks. Instead, they left on the fast track to cirrhosis of the liver.

Todd, do we know who is ultimately responsible for this?

Reg, a lot of blame is being laid upon one woman who repeatedly and head-achingly self-proclaims herself as "the boss." She also has a sidekick with a funky wig-hat fetish. And then, Reg, there is the imaginary hobbit they rode in on.

Huh?

I'll save it for the 11 o'clock report, Reg. Needless to say, it was a quite a scene, even before the riot. You've heard the phrase "swearing like sailors"? "Monkeys throwing feces"? "Donkey parties"? Let me tell you, Reg, these ladies are into some wild-a …

Let's save that for the commercial break. Todd, let me ask, where were the men during this?

Reg, outside of the marketing pimps and waitstaff, the only male I could find was some rambling homeless man with a portable trampoline who hummed Neil Young tunes.

Where was he found, Todd?

Hanging by the pool sans children, if you know what I mean, Reg. The police are now holding him in the investigation of the apparent murder-suicide of a pair of anthropomorphic pigeons.

Eww, sounds like we'll need to do a special investigative cable special on that one, Todd. One final question. Our researchers have just handed me some information. Todd, it seems this conference ended Sunday. Why are we only hearing about this now?

Well, Reg, we just got here. We had some travel difficulties.

Elaborate, please, Todd.

Reg … c'mon. We're guys. We didn't ask for directions.

Ho, ho, ho. So true, so true. Thanks for the report, Todd Zalinsky from San Francisco.

We'll have more information on our IWitless Web site. Just register, then click the big smiley face to show you love flame-inducing satire. And now, back to your usual programming of elegies to dead dogs.

44 comments:

  1. OMG that is the funniest thing I have ever read!

    I think it was the Fannie Mae loan officers that caused the riot.

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  2. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!

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  3. hilarious! I was just about to write about my blogher
    recap, and dang I wish you didn't miss it. Thsnks for the comment. But I will now add you in there so more hilarity will ensue. Thanks, and come back soon.

    :-)mj
    SugarMyBowl.com

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  4. OMG I'm so glad you stopped by my blog because I got to read yours. That was hysterical. I loved every word of it. You made my morning, dude. You are the opposite of uncool.

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  5. I aspire to be a martini sucking, hotel room wrecker one day. Women are super wacky. I can be wacky!

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  6. Denise - The Fannie Mae name alone probably caused them to wet themselves.

    Jenn, MJ, Merlot - You survived the riot! Phew, I was scared for you. Please come around more often. Pepper vodka, anyone?

    FADKOG - You are the Keith Moon of my heart, girl.

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  7. Neil Young would be so proud. "Every blogger's like the setting sun..."

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  8. San Francisco will never be the same.

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  9. Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs to start my morning.

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  10. "Married illegal-immigrant homosexuals bearing salmonella-laced chimichanga components?"

    This is why I love you.

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  11. Oh yeah. It was all that ... and more.

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  12. Middle - Old BlogHer take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you ...

    Jamie - But is that good?

    AnyMommy - Da nada. Wanna Klondike bar?

    Bloggess - I know you only come here when I envoke your hollowed and holy name, which I try to limit only to times of great need, but let me set the record straight: I'd kill to be your Bilbo Baggins any day, J. Pico de gallo? It's cool. It's from New York City.

    Whymommy - Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the ice clicking in the glasses.

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  13. bwahahaha. i'd leave a comment but you got it all right! it was the presence of the mccain smiley fries that preceding evening that seemed especially ominous to me, and now we know why.

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  14. It only took me three days to figure out that wasn't the real McCain - thanks for stopping by because boy was that hilarious! Wish I could have been there, oh, right - I was, but must have missed the riot

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  15. you said what I was thinking perfectly. Thanks for reading my mind

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  16. Wait, McCain fries? You mean I skipped the McCain sponsored snack for nothing? Dagnabit !

    xoxo, SG

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  17. Those smiley fries freaking rocked my world! And this is a brilliant post.

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  18. What - no comments from Black Hockey Jesus yet? I guess they are still questioning him by the pool!

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  19. Gwen, Wksocmom, Amy, Missy - This what BlogHer didn't teach its attendees: The people can't get enough of dead dogs, the phrase "arms akimbo," and McCain Smiles. Thanks for gracing my doorstep. Come in, and grab a fondue stick.

    Marcy - Wait 'til you see what I did to your nucleus accumbens while I was trolling around in there.

    Becky - You said it, not me.

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  20. This was laugh out loud funny..

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  21. It's a good thing I just finished my cup of coffee because I am certain it would have ended up on my keyboard after reading this.

    Absolutely hilarious!

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  22. That was pretty funny. Actually it totally made me think of Saturday night at the hotel and the shenanigans. It's bloggers gone wild!

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  23. Kim, Arts, Bayb - I'm here to serve. Can I warm up that Irish coffee for ya? Thanks for the kinds words and stopping by. Come again.

    Sarah - And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone.

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  24. Tip of the iceberg, my man.
    What, no CheeseburgHer reference??
    Oh wait--"monkeys throwing feces"--check.

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  25. Awesome! Why go to Blogher when I can read about it here?

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  26. You are freaking hillarious!!! That is too funny.

    Laughing so hard I think I peed ...but...what would you expect with me?

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  27. babybloom - I knew I mised something.

    alice - Hey, telecommuting is off thehook.

    Tent - You stole my joke! Will the Mrs. weigh in on this one, too?

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  28. hahahhahhaha!

    drinks. future. feel it.

    brazilliant.

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  29. Good shit, this. Will you be my date to BlogHer next year? With a third-party recap this good, I think you need to be the feet on the street next year.

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  30. MM - I know it'd never match
    my sweet imagination. Besides, I'd be spending all my time hiding in your the shadow of your MILFiness. You know how shy I am. ... Nah, on 2nd thought, it's a date. If My Love says I can play.

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  31. Please stop, it hurts! That was priceless and I hope that next year you get to write some fantastically insane post that involves ME at blogher.

    You're a god amongst men.

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  32. Ha ha! That was so funny. And entirely true you know. That's exactly how I remember it.

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  33. As usual, you have me cracking up.

    I have to say, after reading some of that other blog, I'm having flashbacks of High School girl drama. Did I read all of that right? Must. Read. More.

    Let's go next year and host one of them Hotel room parties. We can give speeches on the Karaoke machine and whip out the beer bong.

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  34. OH MY GOD! This is hillarious! I'm forwarding it to my friend who just got back. I'm adding you to my blogroll.

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  35. Dude, I am so linking back to this post from my site.

    namaste.

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  36. Kisses and lurve from Bossy. (The Boss? Not so much.)

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  37. I'm over from BHJ, being that you were as low in the comments as I was I felt compelled to come read you. Now I feel stupid feeling sorry for you. Clearly you are brilliant and thanks for the first Blogher update sans "I felt so stupid/shy/embarrassed/left out." YOU are the guide to Blogher fun and folic!

    I can only aspire to your keywordness! Care to take a newbie under your wing?

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  38. I too have found you from BHJ and think you are HIGH-larious! I wasn't at BlogHer, but heard about the fallout. I think your version is heaven.

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  39. Look at the people I send this way and you're still banging out the homeless guy jokes.

    Funny. We should go to blogher next year and say stuff like "bitch" and "ho".

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  40. Freaking hysterical!! I'm so glad I didn't read this while at work cause I laughed so hard!

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  41. At least I'll know where to look for Black Hockey Jesus at the conference. I want to make sure he's a true-born Michigander by showing me where he lives on his *mitten hand*. Otherwise he's a cheat and a fraud and probably born somewhere in Iowa.

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