BlogHer '08 and the Damage Done

Pardon the interruption. This is Reggie Hartner of IWitless News with a late-breaking, special report on what appears to be a mob of women wreaking havoc in the San Francisco Bay area. Let's go to Special Correspondent Todd Zalinsky for details. Todd.

Yes, Reg, thanks. I'm standing here in by the ruins of what was The Westin St. Francis Hotel in the Union Square section of town. It was here that hundreds of thousands of the so-called "fairer sex" reduced this haven of 17-channels-of-pay-per-view-porn into this:


Are those … are those signs … in Chinese, Todd?

Yes, Reg, you are seeing correctly. We're pretty close to Chinatown. That's my favorite dim sum shack just to the left.

Todd, do we know who these women are and why they went on this rampage?

Glad you asked, Reg. These ladies were here for what we were told was "conference" on "blogging."

Blogging?

Yes, Reg. It's some sort of fad involving fingers and mice. Pretty kinky stuff, but then, this is the City of Love where you'll find Big Brother holding company with gassy painted women while ridin' in a hole in the ground. You know, how it is, Reg.

Too well, I'm afraid. Well, what exactly caused the riot, Todd?

Reg, it seems these ladies had been brought together by some of the most evil geniuses known to mankind …

The Taliban?

No, Reg.

Fannie Mae loan officers?

Uh-uh.

Married illegal-immigrant homosexuals bearing salmonella-laced chimichanga components?

Not even in the same league.

Then who, Todd?

Marketing executives, Reg. The chief adverts and perverts of General Motors, HP, Microsoft, Starbucks, KY Jelly …

KY Jelly? Is even our, uh, I mean, THE bedroom no longer sacred?

It gets worse, Reg. Even McCain was involved.

Senator McCain? The Republican nominee?

No, Reg. The people who make … smiley fries.

Good God, man. This IS serious.

Seriously involving alcohol, Reg. Seems these fat cats plied these women with apple-tinis and Comsos like it was the second-coming of the "Sex and the City" movie premiere. It was all part of their plan to get inside their digital pants, to coin a phrase. They wanted these so-called "mommy bloggers" to plug their overpriced, made-in-China, lead-based, non-flag-pin wearing wares on their Web sites. Their M.O. was to motivate these vunerable vixen under the guise of sisterhood and profit.

Make money for running advertisements? That sounds fine to me, Todd?

Yes, it does, Reg, until these liquored-up ladies learned they would be making less than a one armed Honduran school girl with a lazy eye sewing clothes for Kathie Lee Gifford.

Tragic.

Yes, Reg, tragically square-to-be-hip were these boozy broads in the City of Broad Shoulder Pads who apparently came here with dreams of book deals for scribbling about poopy diapers and mad money for Manolo Blahniks. Instead, they left on the fast track to cirrhosis of the liver.

Todd, do we know who is ultimately responsible for this?

Reg, a lot of blame is being laid upon one woman who repeatedly and head-achingly self-proclaims herself as "the boss." She also has a sidekick with a funky wig-hat fetish. And then, Reg, there is the imaginary hobbit they rode in on.

Huh?

I'll save it for the 11 o'clock report, Reg. Needless to say, it was a quite a scene, even before the riot. You've heard the phrase "swearing like sailors"? "Monkeys throwing feces"? "Donkey parties"? Let me tell you, Reg, these ladies are into some wild-a …

Let's save that for the commercial break. Todd, let me ask, where were the men during this?

Reg, outside of the marketing pimps and waitstaff, the only male I could find was some rambling homeless man with a portable trampoline who hummed Neil Young tunes.

Where was he found, Todd?

Hanging by the pool sans children, if you know what I mean, Reg. The police are now holding him in the investigation of the apparent murder-suicide of a pair of anthropomorphic pigeons.

Eww, sounds like we'll need to do a special investigative cable special on that one, Todd. One final question. Our researchers have just handed me some information. Todd, it seems this conference ended Sunday. Why are we only hearing about this now?

Well, Reg, we just got here. We had some travel difficulties.

Elaborate, please, Todd.

Reg … c'mon. We're guys. We didn't ask for directions.

Ho, ho, ho. So true, so true. Thanks for the report, Todd Zalinsky from San Francisco.

We'll have more information on our IWitless Web site. Just register, then click the big smiley face to show you love flame-inducing satire. And now, back to your usual programming of elegies to dead dogs.