Saturday, July 26, 2008

Wake the Kids and Call the Neighbors! House Party Goin' On!

(Ed. Note: Now with easier scavenger hunt questions!) I'm comin', I'm comin'! Geez, who the hell is knocking at 5 fu- … Hoover's toe fungus! It's the kids from Camp Candid Carrie. Is the field trip today? Wait. One second! ONE SEC!

Good morning, campers! I'm your Uncle Uncool. C'min, c'min. Eye opener? (Or as MS Word suggests, "Revelation?") I know you've been running ragged this summer, visiting all the great sights the blogging world offers. It's a crazy, gray-matter stimulating, hackle raising, digital world. With that in mind and all you've already seen, you're probably thinking, "Why am I here today?" Me, too. Seriously. I've got two Disney-Channel crackheads beating each other with pool noodles, a dog with the runs, and a beef with the makers of allegedly "vitamin fortified" French toast sticks to deal with. What the hey? (sound of crickets) Ha! I kid. I'm a kidder! Uncool Kidman, that's me. Learn on your own time, mates, this weekend is about fun. We've got games, prizes and many refreshments! Let me introduce you around. First, here's My Love. She built that there bridge and koi pond in our backyard. She's also the cruise director, breadwinner and tolerater of my shenanigans. Me, I'm just the sucka MC. Wait. Hold on … Just asked my uber bad-ass DJ, Manager Mom. "Sucka" -- bad. "Dope" -- good. Me -- white, love-handled suburban 40-year-old guy who loves nerdy power pop. Look out! There's Murphy, the aforementioned dog. He's 2, he's a latte-lovin' Lab and he's tinkling on your foot right now. Gotcha! Trust me, that's not the end of him we worry about. Over here are the local town criers, Stamford Talk and Stamford Blog, once again bickering over Trivial Pursuit. ST, SB! Whoa. Chill. Let's play Drinkin' Jenga instead. Here -- I'll pull the first piece: Aaand Stamford Blog is on my right. Hmmm. Dude, that's a fuzzy navel. We're walking, we're walking. Here we go. It's … for a different kind of girl. We've recently become BFFs … with benefits. We swap CDs constantly. Sometimes, we do it without the protective jewel cases on. What's that, FADKOG? Yeah, I have a video camera. Do you need it for something? Here's a motley crew - the guys from DadCentric. Don't ask about the elephant in the room. It follows them everywhere. Over here … shhh! The Things are asleep. Don't you lock the doors and make your kids sleep in a tent in the backyard? It's the only way I get any Business Time with My Love when she's not peddling Lay's Staxs to 35s-and-under in Slovenia. And, yes, they do taste much better than that other brand. Anyway, the kids will be up soon. The band's here ... They're ready to rock the pergola. Request "Fantastic Planet of Love." They also do a nasty "19th Nervous Breakdown." (bell rings in background) Game time! First, the prizes. You get to choose TWO of the following: a $10 Dunkin' Donuts gift card, a kickin' Cure JM hat and T-shirt set, a Drinkin' Jenga game of your very own, our "secret" neighborhood egg nog recipe or a Waterford crystal Christmas plate that I can't seem to give away on Craigslist. Let's start … the scavenger hunt. 

Most interesting answer to the bonus question breaks a tie. You have until 11:59 p.m. EDT, July 28, 2008, to enter. Ready, steady, go: 1. Who is the syndicated columnist who inspired my first full-length post? 2. Name the main musician that played at my 40th birthday party. 3. Wikipedia claims that my real name was also the pseudonym for a real DJ that inspired a famous television character. Name the character and what other character on the show warms the cockles of my heart. (Maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub-cockle area.) 4. In my version of the Disney Channel's "Camp Rock," what does the bad-boy-teen-idol-in-exile change the camp welcome sign to say? 5. Pick your favorite piece of advice from the wisdom I passed on to Thing 2 when he turned 6. Bonus: Fill in the blank -- If trapped in an elevator with the person known as Always Home and Uncool, I would ______ . OK, that's the lay. Of the land, I mean. Head over to the magic well of inspiration and help yourself. Oh, one last thing. This is most important lesson you'll get on this neverending tour. Pens and pencils ready? When you've got nowhere else to go, I'm always here. I'm your shelter from the storm. Remember, the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool:  Please: Old friends -- introduce yourself to the guests in the "Brilliant Insights" section. New friends - tell us who you are, where you're from, and nachos or mozzarella sticks? Cheers!

Others, go to and register a complaint.


  1. They are all yours! Have fun. Remember, I know how many have been here and I expect them all back.

    Also, did you check your blog owner's insurance? Hmmm ... might want to do that. Just a thought.

  2. Hello. I'm Middle-Aged-Woman, and I approved this message.

  3. well, as a new reader, I haven't a prayer with your scavenger hunt.

    Your eleventy billion links make my head spin (but in a good way); NOT helping with what I suspect is my internet-induced adult-onset ADD.

    Nachos. Well, really guacamole. I just need the nachos so I'm not eating guacamole with my bare hands because, ew.

  4. New reader...ummm can I have BOTH nachos and mozz sticks? But please,no beans on the nachos!

  5. I'm a new friend! So all your damn questions just frustrate me. Send nachos AND guacamole and I'll feel less left out. THANKS


    I made the quiz shorter, easier and with hint. Can't say I don't try to please my guests.

  7. I brought a plant into the country... Was that wrong? Tenter and I have have a permanent tent up in the yard so that we can have alone time.
    Your wife is hot!
    Ok, Now I will go figure out the quiz

  8. Oh

    InSaneMaMa - I thought you only talked like that at my blog!

  9. Hi! I'm Apple. I uh... am fresh out of wit. When I went to the store to pick some up, it was all bruised and squishy so I just let my own supply dwindle to near-nothing-ness and can't be bothered to scrape up some kind of snarky comment. Instead! I will dance a bit for you.

    *shake shake* Okay, that's enough of that. Have a great day with the campers and about those vitamin-fortified french toast stick people? Go get'm, tiger!

  10. I have my tent set up and Im ready to hear the band! Im glad Im here, the kids were driving me crazy at home....pass over the nachos!

  11. I seriously need to know about Drinkin' Jenga. Girl's weekend is coming up. I will have to study hard for the scavenger hunt.....

  12. What fun! I came over from camp.

    I see on your Jenga drinking game you reference belly buttons.... I personally don't like mine touched, and my two little knit minkees don't even have any. Is there a bellybutton free version? I am always up for a good drinking game.

    As for declaring my items: I have two grapefruits, a farty monkey, the body of a knitted Shaun the sheep (which looks kinda creepy) an octopus and a bottle of xanax (but don't take if you eat the grapefruit, causes side effects)

  13. I. Am. In. Love.

    I really enjoyed this trip. Hope I can deal with the hangover.

    I had a blast taking your quiz, too! (ramp cock - how did you come up with that?)

    How DO you beat off the cougars at the playground?

  14. Note to self: tent. Kids. Lock.

    Who says you're uncool?....

  15. Hello, My name is Sally HP, this is my first meeting, and I'm an uncool-aholic....HiiiiiSaaally.

    Nachos, and then I'd ask to have just a bite of someone's mozz sticks because i so love it when others eat off my plate.

    Stoked to join your camp...this one time, at band camp...

  16. I so can not put coherent thought into this scavenger hunt...I'm just going to wait and steal other people's answers! Because I'm Always Lazy and Unoriginal.

  17. I'm still high on paint fumes and your post is confusing me. But I love you.

  18. I'm Jessica @ Nothing But Purple and camping from Candid Carrie.

    I'd love to go jump from post to post but I don't have time, the band is starting and I'm sitting in my chair next to my tent, PASS THE ALCHEEHOL!! *in my redneckish accent* Oh and Please pass the Mozzarella sticks, I love those. It's great to getaway once in awhile.

    I hear the music!!! HUSH, u noise talkers!!

  19. *sigh*

    It falls on the Stamford natives to take the guesses, eh?

    1) Dave Barry
    2) Marshall Crenshaw. DUH. I still can't believe you didn't call me. Even though you don't, like, know me and stuff.
    3) I am guessing Dr. Johnny Fever, and, duh, Bailey. My crush was more on the Andy side (even though Dr. Fever would have been the better choice)
    4) Ramp Cock. Man I miss the Sex Pistols.
    5) Do I really need to emphasize the light beer advice? Although Amstel Light may be a universal exception.

    BONUS: Easy. I'd play the Stamford who-do-you-know game. It would provide endless hours of fun for the whole family.

    How'd I do??

  20. I'm a new camper here... and forgive me for being so late! If there are any cheese sticks left, I'll take some :)

  21. How about I just bypass this quiz portion (there weren't a lot of tests in journalism school, therefore, I freeze when faced with a lot of questions!), and we just get right down to the prize part, hmmm? On videocamera, even!

    (kudos on the whole Dadcentric gig, btw!)

  22. Is it so wrong that I feel the urge to make out with you AND your wife?

    Where have you been all my blogging life? Seriously bbl for the quiz!

  23. You are HI LARIOUS! I think I'll just quit reading the rest of the blogs I manage to visit once every three months and make this home new home page. Your links alone will keep me busy for the next five years.

    No snacks, thanks. I just ate my second piece of cake today (kid's birthday party, whaddaya gonna do?). But I'll take some water if you have it.

  24. Hey! I just made a fresh batch of guac. I know I'm a little late to the party here but who says you can't have guac and chips for breakfast?

    I just made a promise to myself that I would read your posts when I'm awake. It's too early to lose all my coffee through my nose...y'know, cause I was freakin' cracking up.

  25. Whoa, dude! You have a crapload of lady friends...should I be jealous?

    Can we just mix the nachos and mozz sticks and have some Italian Nachos? They go so great with a beer(or 8).

    And, I am witless so far this morning(still half asleep and it's after 11 already-what the hell is that about?), so I'll dish some snarkiness to you later.

  26. Hi my name is Jess (hi Jess), I'm a newcomer here and I blog about my life in Chicago. I'm awful at scavenger hunts so I might bow out but cheer from the sidelines.

  27. Whitemist here as a stumbler on the uncool from Stamford Talk for several months.
    Does the cactus in tequila count as a fruit?
    And it may not count. but I once brought a Trillium from West Va to Ct (definitely another country) and transplanted it where it took and flourished for a number of years.

  28. Too many kids to take the time to figure out the quiz - but the drinking jenga is excellent. I'll be back when the game starts!

  29. Drinking Jenga is a lot like Dry Marco Polo.


  30. big fun - nice party! I especially liked the nachos :)

  31. Hey! I came back to see your response to my slang word lesson, to find that my comment dis-o-peared!

    Or did I not press the right buttons? Yikes.

    Herein lies Manager Mom's brain on vacation.

    I can't remember exactly my original brilliance, so I'll paraphrase: we need to dress up your gangsta slang in slightly more 2008 clothing.

    Lesson starts at 6:30 Thursday.

  32. Hi. I'm Jason. I love...lamp.

  33. that looks like lager. or pilsner.
    i am a bit disappointed, i have to admit, uncle lame-o.
    i figured you for more of a lets have some real hoppy fun microbrew riskiness. maybe even a barleywine.
    the hell is that coors looking shit?

    that is no way to get friends.

  34. Gwen - What's with the hate? It's actually a Harpoon Summer Ale - a nice, light start to the morning before we hit the harder stuff. The magic well of inspiration is packed with many colors and styles of Sarnac, some Redhooks and Sam Adams and a few stray Molson Ices for the less adventurous My Love.

  35. Thanks for the brief glimpse into the Uncool World. I can almost feel the lack of cool seep over me.

    I'll be checking out that DadCentric. I'm always the last to do ANYTHING.

  36. I'm always last to the party! Hell, I tried to get to Blogher and I just got back yesterday, there was NO ONE there when I got there. Don't worry, I'll pick up your mess and quietly let myself out...I'm co-dependent that way. Maybe I can make the next one on time with chips for the guac???

  37. Ice cream? Just the thought of something warm today makes me a bit ill. It's freaking 96 degrees at 10:45am.

    And hi! Been meaning to come by for the last week, but just hadn't quite made it. You are a brave man, taking your kid to see the American Brats movie. :) I'm too mean for that.


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