Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Padded Cell of Uncoolness

A fellow blogger who I may be related to challenged me and the rest of her minions to let our readers peer behind our cyberspace curtains. Everyone buddy up, mind the empties on the floor and, please, no flash photography.

This is my home office, or as my accountant calls it, "The Big Write Off."

Should look familiar as it is featured in my blog banner. Note the relocation of a few key items. The beaver statue, a gift from my best friend in college, is atop the left speaker. The black-and-blue talisman, a gift My Love brought home from Istanbul (not Constantinople), is protecting me from the evil eye from a perch on right speaker. Don't stare directly at it! Some of you may go blind!

Now, let's pan and zoom.

This is the nerve center. A 5.8 GHz cordless phone. Well-fingered Rolodex (eeew, that didn't come out right). And, my baby -- 100 watts of Sharp sound! Five CD changer! AM-FM tuner! iPod slot! XM satellite radio! Dual remote controls! Oh, God. Oh, God! Yes! YES!

First reader to correctly name the three CDs visible on the left will receive a copy of the unlabeled mix CD seen right above the newspaper. It's a goodie.

Not much on this side. Yes, I am drinking tea. I've been getting the shakes from making the homebrew a bit too strong. Jeez, what's next? Geritol? Depends? White patent leather loafers with a matching belt?

The remote is for the TV you can't see to the right. It's only on for Mets games and the occasional AM glimpse of Kelly Ripa's fine self. Much MUCH more potent than caffeine. God, when will My Love get home from Turkmenistan?

The beverage warmer on the far right is a Christmas gift from Thing 2. Picked it out on his own and bought it with his own cash. It can't melt an ice cube but, for some reason, I found it to be the most impressive gift a 5-year-old without a fake ID for his old man some hooch could buy.

We bought this Wyeth print (any one know which Wyeth?) shortly after we brought home Murphy's predecessor, Kiner, in 1998. This hung over our bed in the old house.

Sometimes Kiner would actually curl up like this on our Marital Mattress and snooze underneath it. I miss him ...

… especially when my current assistant here starts nudging my wrists when I'm trying to type. OK OK OK OK! I'll let you out again! How often can you pee in an hour?

I do leave my office once in a while. Often, but not always, to use the bathroom. Sometimes, I move to this chair in the living room. I've highlighted the key features.

This is where I have lunch, read the newspapers and, when the reality of at-home dadness has become too much, I catch up on TiVo'd episodes of "Mythbusters" and daydream of me, Kari, a roll of Mentos and a few liters of Pepsi One.

But when I'm really blocked and need to get the creative juices flowing, I go here:

Then, I push the secret button on top the handle.

Kelly Clarkson! Are my wrists really that hairy?

And viola!

My muses. They are sooo good to me. Thank you, Sheinhardt Wig Company and all your subsidaries, for providing me with the fine piece of refridgeration equipment to keep my friends chilling at a quench-tastic 40 degrees, and ...!

Wait a second.

Who put the frickin' bottle of Life Water in there! Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

That's it. I was going to show you Thing 1's bedroom since that's where most of the Diva Discourses take place, but letting you see where my 8-year-old daughter sleeps … that's a little creepy.

Now go, and never darken my towels again!

But before you do, stop by the gift shop and pick up something for the kids.


  1. Sheryl Crow's Detours and Country Crows' Films about Ghosts, and it's going to kill me that I don't know the other one, but if there is a theme, clearly, it involves huge black birds...

  2. I admire your snazzy fridge, but FYI - Kelly Ripa is NOT fine. She doesn't even have any eyebrows barely. Her husband on the other hand...hubba hubba...

  3. Dude, the only thing I don't understand is the print of the bed over the desk. That would likely make me want to go back to bed ALL DAY LONG!

  4. Andrew Wyeth ... and "viola" is an instrument, "voila" is French.

    Ok, ok - my husband says I'm really annoying when I do that. He's probably right.

  5. OK, I think you would look quite fetching in awhite patent leather loafers with a matching belt. Just make sure that's not ALL you're wearing.

    Gotta say, brother-man, I dunno whose celebrity fetish is more and Kelly Ripa, or me and Keanu Reeves. I mean, at least Keanu has Point Break and The Matrix in his corner. And Kelly has...Reeg?

  6. Hah! Andrew Wyeth. I have him hanging in my office too. Well, not him personally, but you know what I mean. Go take a look. I posted my office this afternoon. I love both Andrew and Jamie. Except for Jamie's pig and Andrew's Helga paintings.

  7. In all honesty, I worked a shoot with Kelly Ripa once and she is scary freaky tiny. She looks like she'd snap in half if you threw a Ritz cracker on her shoulder.

    Sweet fridge tho!

    -Anissa @ Hope4Peyton

  8. it is SO obvious you cleaned your desk beforehand. just sayin'.

    besides that: HHAHHAHHHHHA!

  9. FADKOG - Close but no bird theme

    Alice/annisa - anti-Kelly is a sad way to live life. But you can each alternate days w/ her hubby.

    MommyK - Hey, u joined the group! welcome, neighbor!

    CT Mom - I had it right at first. Dang jingoistic spellcheck.

    MM - U dig the Herb Tarlock look?

    Tina - Andrew! thanks!

    Ms. P - The desk photo was taken about two hours after the beloved cleaning crew Windexed thru my place. I'm a tornado with the mess.

  10. That's such a man desk! Except for the print above the desk. That totally throws off all the man vibe you are giving off.

  11. Oh lord, if I participated in something like this people would be scared. Real scared.

    I'm loving the fridge. If it wouldn't be completely inappropriate, I'd totally come over and raid that bi..erm..thing.

    Aw..cute dog! Looks just like the one my Aunt had for eons.

  12. I want that fridge, and I want it bad.

    I might even trade you my Kelly Ripa rookie card for it.

  13. Honestly, when I see Kelly Ripa in those appliance commercials "baking cupcakes" I can't believe it, because no one that skinny can be licking those frosting bowls clean. Seriously.

    Nice to meet ya!

  14. ah, I love the Saranac in the fridge. I could use one of those Pale Ales right now...but, the U.S. government would probably frown...

  15. hell! i say we all come to your house for some enlightenment!

  16. LaRue, Brann and April:

    Thanks for the first-time comments. My 'fridge is always open to ya!

  17. It's really quite symmetrical and neat. Are you an engineer? Also, nice to see the Saranac in the refrigerator.

  18. Janet: I roomed w/ an engineer for three years ... does that count? I'm definitely more catty corner, but My Love had some hand in the layout. Sarnac is one of my faves ... and not available in Texas, another reason I have problems with that state.

  19. Well, I don't see three correct answers yet, so I'm gonna say Sheryl Crow's Detours, Counting Crows' Films about Ghosts, and Eric Clapton's Money and Cigarettes. When that one came out, we called it "The Persistence of Clapton."

  20. Andrew Wyeth - he's my favorite, I have the same picture hanging in my living room. His dad, NC, was a friend of my grandfather. However I'm not as big a fan of his son Jaime's work. Have you seen the giant pig painting in person???? (Can you tell I've spent quite a bit of time near Brandywine? LOL)

  21. My first visit and I feel like I know you. I can never let my husband see that fridge. He has only just forgiven me for insisting on a dishwasher.

  22. I'm totally jealous. I feel so unorganized! ;)

  23. The painting is called "Master Bedroom". And despite having gone to the Brandywine River Museum 100 times in my life, I JUST NOW got the pun in the painting's title.

  24. I'm jealous too...but hey, at least, I've got the same XM Satellite Radio. So I'm not all that jealous. :)

    Except of the fridge, definitely am.

  25. I have that dog and that picture above your desk.

    I think the AKC might hand them out with the Yellow Labrador papers.

    You a Yankees fan? Our dog is Bernie. AKC name "Bernie Goes Boom". Good ole' John Sterling.


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