Tuesday, July 8, 2008

In Which We Noodle on God

Warning: Some may consider the following blasphemy. Some may also consider the Yankees annually appearing in the World Series the divine right of kings. I beg to differ on both accounts. To balance it out, I've included Strange Interludes of semi-true commentary from My Love.

* * *

The Things and I had just finished fouling our neighbor's pool with our sweaty, dirt-caked selves (don't worry, they're on vacation and, like you, never read my blog), when the boy started smacking the ground with a lime green pool noodle.

"I'm hitting an ant. I'm hitting an ant. HAAAAAAAW!! HAAAAAAW!! WHOOOOO-HOOOOO-HOOOOO!!" he yells.

Have I mentioned before that he may be a little off?

Thing 1 then puts her "I'm The Boss of You" face on and starts laying into him. "You're hitting God! The Earth is God and your killing him."

Thing 2 yells. Louder.

"I'm killing God! I'm killing God! HAAAAAAAW!! HAAAAAAW!! WHOOOOO-HOOOOO-HOOOOO!!"

(Strange Interlude 1: "You stopped this, right? This isn't good.")

"No! NO! NOOO!" It's Thing 1. She stills the neighborhood with a contemplative look. Her arms are akimbo because you folks seem to really like it when I use that word.

"I'm wrong," she says. "You're killing Mother Nature, not God."

"I'm killing Mother Nature! HAAAAAAAW!! HAAAAAAW!! WHOOOOO-HOOOOO-HOOOOO!! I'm killing Mother Nature!"

(Strange Interlude 2: "What are you doing with these kids when I'm not here? Are they watching 'Nip/Tuck' while eating Sugar Smacks right out of the frickin' box?")

Under threat of no Disney Channel, the Things cease. We slosh our way back home.

Several hours later, I take my nightly pre-bedtime lounge next to Thing 1.

"So," I say to her, as this is how I transition when I both talk and write, "please define God for me."

"God is the earth."

"Then who or what is Mother Nature?"

"She's all the living things. Trees, grass, bugs … the sky is God, though."

"So, God is the earth. Then we walk all over God. No wonder we've been having all these thunderstorms. He's angry at us for stomping all over him."

"No, Dad. That's different."

(Strange Interlude 3: "How is that different? Don't you ever get below the surface? Is everything a sarcastic, snappy comeback to you?")

"Then who's the boss? God or Mother Nature?" I ask.

"God … because he's the man."

(Strange Interlude 4: Deathly silence. Crickets. Faint mournful music.)

"Wrong, wrong, wrong," I say. "And never, Never, NEVER repeat that in front of your mother. I want to share the bed with her again."

(Strange Interlude 5: "You didn't say that. Liar. You are in so much trouble.")

"Dad, is there a heaven?"

"Lots of people believe so. I hope so. I hate to think I'm trying this hard for nothing."

"Is there a dog heaven?"

"Definitely."

"But where do bad dogs go."

"There are no bad dogs. Only bad dog owners."

"Where do bad people go?"

"Texas."

"But we're from Texas?"

"You and your brother are. I apologize about that. Some people believe in hell. You know. The Devil. Flames. Molten lava. Non-alcoholic beer."

"Are you going to hell?"

"After this conversation, possibly."

(Strange Interlude 6: "Damn straight.")

"No," I say. "I'm kidding. I hope I'm not going to hell. Do you have some inside information you want to share with me."

"You're a dork."

"That has been previously established. Bless you and your pointed little head. Good night. Dream of puppies."

Now, please go to Humor-Blogs.com before I am damned to hell.

22 comments:

  1. Okay.

    Trying to find something nice to say since I am from Texas, live in Texas and don't ever want to leave Texas.

    I forgive you.

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  2. In once of my son's moments of insight he told me that God made the trees and buildings and he was invisble with liberty and justice for all.

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  3. I happen to like your sarcastic, snappy comebacks--and your view on god's, I mean, God's gender.

    Fun post!

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  4. Denise - I really like Austin. But, unfortunately, that is not where I lived durng my sentence in Texas.

    Alice - Your son could be president. Is he from Texas?

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  5. Denise, again - Bitchin' new sandals and a bumping song, too, on your site. See, Texans are cool as long as they don't get all "Texas is the be all, end all, all this and that" up in my grill.

    Meg - Yeah, but you don't have to live with me.

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  6. Don't fret about your sons actions. He will meet PLENTY of other people in his life that need to be beat with a noodle.
    Consider it 'life training'.

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  7. texas is not hell. houston might possibly be though.

    i grew up in austin and went to ut - for 8 years. i consider myself an original slacker.

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  8. please send thing 1 to MA: we have some ants here that need a serious ass kicking.

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  9. Texas - yuck.

    The only part that is acceptable is Austin and I suspect the rest of Texas hates Austin for being interesting.

    Yes, outside Austin, Texas is definitely hell. Why, just look at the White House to see the spawn of satan. What other state has a town named for its lunatic residents - Wako (pronounced Whacko).

    Otherwise I'm sure it is a lovely place, bless their hearts.

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  10. "Lots of people believe so. I hope so. I hate to think I'm trying this hard for nothing."


    Amen, Mother Nature. Amen.

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  11. Ah...since I am from Texas and grew up in the aforementioned town of Houston, I can say that there is a hell in Michigan, but not in Texas.
    I have good and bad memories of Texas now that I am away - I loved the heat and the wind and the contrast. The Thunderstorms and the flatness of Houston, the Hills of New Braunfels (full of fossils), the dryness of West Texas and my favorite city was Corpus Christi. But it has been 30 years since I have been there and I don't really want to go back.
    I don't like the carpet baggers that moved from my new home in CT to Texas.

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  12. Damon - You are so right.

    Leigh, Daniel and all Texas defenders - Austin is an oasis surrounded by ... the rest of the Lone Star state. In Austin, I ate ribs while at the feet of the Stevie Ray Vaugh statue. I hung with Travis Tritt in a bar ... while he flirted with My Love and called me a chicken. the city is exempt from all my anti-Texas jokes and rants.

    Ms P - How much can he charge ya? Nickel an ant?

    FADKOG - I am SO into you. Do you like seared ahi? I know a little place ...

    Damon - You are so right.

    Leigh, Daniel and all Texas defenders - Austin is an oasis surrounded by ... the rest of the Lone Star state. In Austin, I ate ribs while at the feet of the Stevie Ray Vaugh statue. I hung with Travis Tritt in a bar ... while he flirted with My Love and called me a chicken. the city is exempt from all my anti-Texas jokes and rants.

    Ms P - How much can he charge ya? Nickel an ant?

    FADKOG - I am SO into you. Do you like seared ahi? I know a little place ...

    WhiteMist - You make some good points ... outside of the Houston thing and the wasteland that is West Texas. But if Texas was as expensive to live in as CT, I wonder how many natives would stay there.

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  13. What I want to know is what happens when your wife discovers that Thing 1 thinks God is a Man?? I really want to hear that interlude!!

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  14. If you're going to hell based on that, then I'm right ahead of you. I've done some questionable things in my life.

    My daughter asks me this every once in a while (heaven, god, etc....) and I tell her that some people believe this way and some believe that way but what's important is what SHE believes.

    It's the lazy approach, I agree, but how do you explain to a kid that you, yourself, have no answer to these kinds of questions?

    I dunno.

    Whew, sorry to get so serious.

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  15. Dude, you are so not only going to hell, you are driving the funky bus here and staying in the 25-people-to-a-shower HELL HOSTEL.

    I will still read your blog from my floaty, harpy, halo-y cloud....with your wife, apparently.

    --Anissa
    www.hope4peyton.org

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  16. Okay, Okay, no one would be there if it weren't dirt cheap compared to here and hurricanes are a bother (we don't experience them the way they do!) and I think the Cowboys would like it that way.
    P.S. - in Houston I had no idea what other cultures were beside Jocks (football), Kickers (Cowboys) and Chicanos (Mexican) until I went to the U of H and there was some culture there and I forgot the one cultural event of the year was the Greek festival (unlike the paltry things we have) that had 20,000 a night visit them for 3 days.

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  17. Annisa - Just don't let My Wife touch the harp. Unless it is a 16 oz. mug.

    White - Don't forget the constant threat of being sucked up and tossed by a tornado every spring. Far scarier than a hurriane.

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  18. The title was great, the post itself was even better.

    I wish my neighbors had a pool I could sneak the rugrats and some shampoo into.

    While there is a Hell, MI, you don't actually have to be In Hell, MI to be in hell. Just being in MI period was hell for me. (Living in the dry state of CO my whole life, I'm miserable in the humidity. Although, I loved NYC and it was humid as all get out there. Maybe the real reason MI sucks is because my mother-in-law is there.)

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  19. Kelly - Better than "dud, you look like a lady."

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  20. This post is too funny. And I thought I was sacrilegious once in a while. But still you're funny -- even if you are going to hell, or at least spending some extra time in purgatory, if you believe in that kind of thing...

    ...I wanted to vote for this over at Humor-Blogs, but it's not letting me. Hey, but at least, I found you through Humor-Blogs, I did vote for another of your posts instead.

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  21. Ummm. Well. Yes. Kind of blasphemous and funny at the same time. Lucky for us, God has an incredible sense of humor. Heck, He invented humor...oh yea, and us.

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