Pity the Poor Flaccid Mice

Ladies, does your man snore? If so, snoring could be the sign of more serious condition. As such, we need to discuss mouse boners.

Or more specifically, the lack thereof.

In my non-blogging, non-parenting life, I -- among other things -- re-write medical news releases for a consumer health care organization. It's never going to win me a Pulitzer, but it fulfills many of my prerequisites for a job: flexible hours, no dress code and the authority to delete superfluous commas at will.

Some of the news releases are about serious studies on promising new cancer treatments or insights into the cause and prevention of Alzheimer's disease. Then, there's a regular helping of "people get money to study this?!" stories. Air pollution is bad for your lungs. Living next to an industrial solvent plant built on a Superfund site can cause extra limbs to spout from your navel.

And, of course, rodent erectile dysfunction.

Seems a team of University of Louisville researchers wanted to study some of the consequences of obstructive sleep apnea syndrome, a disorder in which you literally and repeatedly stop breathing at night for several seconds. This deprives your brain of oxygen, your body of rest and apparently, as this was the hypothesis of the experiment, it deprives your willy of woo-hoo.

The researchers tested their theory out on mice, though I don't think they would have had a tough time locating some male sleep-apnea sufferers interested in knowing whether they needed to start doing price comparisons on a "Mighty Man Trigger Pump."

According to the university's news release, after one week under sleep-apnea-like conditions, the mice "showed a 55 percent decline in their daily spontaneous erections." After five weeks, "the 'latency to mount' period— the average interval between mounting a mate — increased 60-fold."

This raises many questions. Like, who counted the erections and how was this person chosen? Seniority? Keenest eyesight? Least likely to giggle?

How did said researcher describe this work to a spouse or friend? "Honey, phew, what a day! I've been counting mice chubbies since the crack of dawn! You gonna eat all them fries?"

Next, how do we really know they were "spontaneous"? Isn't it possible a few pre-mediated woodies snuck in there? Did they bring in a parade of female mice in little bustiers and garter belts? Let them watch late-night Cinemax?

Finally, that latency-to-mount period -- like the males had a choice in the matter? I will say, this has given me a new approach to hitting up My Love: "Honey, my L2M is getting up there. I mean, WAY up there. C'mon -- for science, baby, for science. Think of the poor flaccid mice."

Unfortunately, even the sleep-deprived mice that managed to pitch their tents didn't have much luck making the s'mores. According to the news release, "In five out of seven mice tested, ejaculation did not occur at all, but in one mouse, latency to ejaculation was 660 minutes — eleven hours — whereas in control mice the median time to ejaculation was only a few minutes."

Eleven hours! I'm not sure who I feel worse for -- the mounter or his mountee. Either way, I'm reaching for a sympathy ice pack right now.

The good news: This condition is nearly completely reversible with treatment for the sleep apnea and some of those wondrous drugs you see advertised on TV. I can hear the squeaks of ecstasy now.

Feel enlightened? Then go to Humor-Blogs.com, register and give me a Mr. Happy. C'mon -- for science, baby, for science.