Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Sex and the Working Spouse

A couple of readers recently asked why I don't blog more about two things: sex and My Love. Oddly, these were posed as separate topics -- i.e., "Why don't you post more about sex?" and "Why don't you write more often about My Love?" -- as opposed to the compound subject, "Why don't you blog more about sex with My Love?"

As if the twain has never met, people. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

My Love has been home a lot of late, with "home" loosely defined as somewhere in a 20-mile radius of the place the rest of our family sleeps. Yes, she's still an international executive goddess, but her AAirpass has been revoked temporarily to help save her company some scratch. So instead of jetting off to some fascinating Marriott in a foreign land, most mornings she's been up and out by 4 a.m. to the 1960-ish beige reinforced concrete decor of corporate headquarters and then back home by 10 at night.

Still, some of you might expect there'd be an increase in quality time with the Mrs. based sheerly on physical proximity. Instead, you get scenarios like this one: The Things and I sit down to dinner, hear the garage door open below us and her car pull in. My Love comes bounding up the stairs to join us … two hours later.

"I was on an overseas conference call with our office in Phuntsholing and I didn't want to lose the signal," she said.

"Did you say, 'fun to schlong'?"

"Phuntsholing," she said with more clarity. "It's the New York City of Bhutan."

"I couldn't agree more if I actually knew where the hell you were talking about," I said. "Did you say, 'butt on'?"

The mounting piles of paperwork have even led My Love to try to escape "meeting hell" by invading my territory a few times by working from home. It's an art she's yet to fully perfect, in my opinion, at least in terms of multi-tasking. Like last week, she sat on a stool at the kitchen island, working on the computer with her Blackberry earbud welded in place for 20 straight hours. Good start, but she still shrugged off dozens of my best requests, suggestions and double-entendres to "have a snack," "get in some stretching" and "address those stubborn Tupperware stains."

Pretty much reminded me of our first trip to Las Vegas.

"I'm busted. Let's go get some dinner. The food trough is ready and waiting. I smell 10-cent shrimp cocktails!" I said, pushing away from the blackjack table.

"In a few minutes. Just one more shoe after this one."

"You said that five hours ago when I wanted to go for lunch. And three hours before that when we were supposed to meet your dad for breakfast."

"I can't break up the table. We're on a streak. You -- at third base! Split 'em and hit 'em. Now."

"Very well," I said. "I'm going out to the corner to find drug-addled call girls willing to use your toothbrush to pumice their bunions. Good by you?"

"OK. Just one more shoe after this one."

I admire her focus and dedication. In return, you'd think she'd admire mine, as best displayed in this clip from one of my favorite TV shows, "Ed" (uh, this is a name, not ED -- the abbreviation for erectile dysfunction, smartass):

How will My Love react to my blogging about this most intimate of subjects? Probably not well.

But this being a Tuesday during Thanksgiving week, not much of a loss.

Are you randy? Then give me a smiley at Humor-Blogs.com because I'm desperate for your love.


  1. I"m guessing she just might KICK YOUR ASS. just sayin'.

  2. Split 'em and hit 'em? I haven't heard that in a long time. Like, hours and stuff.

  3. I think I am in love with your wife. I am a tables junkie as well. I never do Vegas with Hubby...

    By the way,what ever happened to: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ??

  4. For the record, this may be the first time the words "Bhutan" and "schlong" have ever appeared together.

  5. New to your blog - loved it! Read last weeks and why is it that you instinctively want to catch your kids vomit?

  6. The magic that is being married to a man who works for A Major Tool Company means that I can bust any number of double entendre using words of his trade, effectively showing interest in what he does for a living AND honing my quality seduction skills. Try doing that on someone who works for A Major Retail Book Seller. After "I'd like to see what you got between the covers," the games kind of weak.

    P.S. I still weep regularly at the demise of 'Ed'. Everytime Tom Cavanaugh pops up anywhere, I cry out "Ed!", and my husband says I have to get over it. I bet you wouldn't tell me that, though, would you?

  7. i can relate man. i have been working evenings, my wife days.

    got the good old, 'hi honey, bye honey' thing going on when she gets home and then when i get home she's wiped.


    oh, and for what it's worth I think this is the first time I got my lazy ass out of my reader to actually comment. good stuff.

  8. Best. post. ever.

    I puffy glitter heart that clip. (And I've been overseas so long, I've actually never heard of that show, but now I totally want to watch it.)

  9. I'm not sure what it says about me, but it's barely 8am and this had me laughing so completely out loud that the GFYO thinks I am crazy(er). Meanwhile, the Kid still sleeps, dreaming of the "good old days."

  10. Hysterical.

    I mean. You know. If you're not HER.

    Which I'm not - so - HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

  11. 2Busy - It's good to be an innovator.

    Heather - Welcome to neighborhood. Tell your friends. Tell your neighbors. Tell your mother I miss her so.

    PG - I'm glad my baser instincts have led you to exposure yourself. Look out, here come the cops!

    Ms P - It says you have pretty low standards. That's why we get along so well.

    Ms. Britt - I'm expecting the wrath of a semi-defrost turkey.

  12. So are you expecting a little something something on Saturday then? It is statistically the best night.

  13. Ahhhh! I can't watch the clip at work. HB was supposed to "work from home" today but decided he would be too distracted by the Wii and the telvision in general to actually function.

  14. Speaking of cards, we should start a Stamford bloggers poker night!

    I can't believe she didn't put you in a choke hold just for saying "fun to schlong" and "butt on." My wife can't stand my sophomoric humor.

  15. So what did the drug-addled call girls have to say about all this?

  16. Tuesday, what a loss. Does it kick up on hump day?

  17. Ha ha, I love Vegas stories.

  18. If I didn't blog about my hubs, I don't know what I would talk about. But! My family and his reads my blog so S-E-X is OFF limits! On the blog too...

  19. Three thoughts:
    1. Your wife needs a new job, or preferably she should use those skills and energy in her own business.

    2. You should add a comments link in your RSS feed.

    3. You should move the comments link from the bottom of the comments section to the top, or right under the post. It's a pain in the ass to find.

  20. You're killing me, here. And I mean this, of course, in the bestest of ways.

  21. Kalia - Yeah, but the odds are never in your favor in this house.

    Papa2Hapa - You are so much cooler than MetroDad. But Hump Day is a misnomer.

    Greg - That's still legal after marriage?

    Goodfather - I walking into a 7-11 with Thing1 still in the carrier when a hot chick with a Russian accents asks me directions ... to Cheetahs. I think she had an audition.

    Bee - So I write about and drop 80 spots on Humor-blogs and you don't and are No. 1. Must suck to be you, girl.

    Robert - 1. One of has to make a real living, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have plans for a brillant second career. 2. The Feedburner one doesn't want to work for me. Got some coding? 3. I agree. This blogger template is supposed to allow that, but every time I try to fix it .. nada. Suggestions? 4. Get a new photo b/c that one is really creeping me out.

    Becky - I'm calling a priest. Sorry.

  22. Dude, I hadn't thought about "Ed" in years. [*snort*]

    FYI, I just gave you a shout-out over at my "pad"...

    Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

    :^) Anna

  23. Tuesday's the worst? I never knew.

  24. I'm glad to be back blogging and back at you blog as well.

    Great post. I can relate to the Vegas part...but I would be your wife ...(no...don't even say it...figuratively!!!!)
    I speak without turning my head and only move when th forces (not armed forces) signal me.
    If you don't recal....I use to pee in the wind

  25. Pumice their bunions... nicely done, my friend.

    You should slip in some kind of cryptic meeting in an open spot in her schedule, next time you have access to her Blackberry.

    Even if she realizes it's you before she shows up in the garage in confusion, she'll probably get the message and appreciate the genius.

  26. Dude she's probably too busy to read your post. If you're lucky you'll dodge the bullet altogether.

  27. Funny stuff. I enjoyed the post and will be back for more.



  28. I miss Ed. It was so quirky and weird and occasionally unpredictable.

    And the sex thing. It seems like I've been pregnant for the majority of the time we're married, and sex isn't one of those superfun pregnancy activities. Poor Mister.

  29. I loved Ed. That was my favorite show and totally remember that one! Your wife knows where the priorities lie.

  30. I love all the viagra comments on this one. Wonder where they came from?


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