Monday, February 1, 2010

Everything Falls Apart

The following items broke or otherwise shed their inanimate coils in the past seven days:
Makita Cordless Drill. I’m not sure what about this death hurt more: That it thwarted the plans Thing 2 and I to bond over power tools by making bird feeders out of empty seltzer bottles or that My Love had given me the drill as my “bachelor party” gift. Read what you will into that last bit.
Floodlight over garage door. Meh. An $8 bulb. Not a biggie. Especially considering the next thing to go was …
The automatic garage door opener. Not the clicker in the car, mind you. The actual thing that raises and lowers the door. You’d be mistaken if you thought the door being stuck in the closed position would actually prevent money from flying out through it.
golf-cartGolf pull cart. Since Santa and his minions, you know -- the ones who live under my roof, all failed to bring me the one gift I actually had on my list, I purchased my own online. Alloy mag wheels. All-weather scorecard holder. Umbrella holder. Adult beverage holder. Oh. Oh. Oh. That’s what I’m talking about. After assembling it, I tested the foot brake – an important feature lest your cart roll down hill and force you to exert extraordinary effort to retrieve said adult beverage – and there was this horrible crack like biting into a chicken bone and snapping through the marrow. Or like the sound my knees make when I squat down to look under the sink for a nonexistent last roll of toilet paper.
I called the toll-free number of the Canadian company that makes the cart (honestly, I didn’t even know Canadians played golf but I guess that explains why we when you put your woods back in the bag you cover them with toques, eh?). It was disconnected.
Remote control. Not any remote control, but the remote control to the TV in the family room. With the 46-inch flat screen. And the satellite TV. And the TiVo. … I need a moment. … And a tissue.
And, the one you’ve all been waiting for <drumroll>
Wood slat on my bed frame.
Too much bouncy bouncy. Or too many Ho Hos. Either way, my fat ass stakes claim.
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This list is brought to by the letters ABDPBT.


  1. Oh man, that's a list and a half. But, you know, you don't have to try and out do it for next week.

  2. Is it bad to laugh at your expense??? It's like when it rains is pours right???

    The bed frame thing??? Now that sucks no matter how you put it.

  3. Ouch ouch ouch! That's some list. Here's hoping this week is tons better. Otherwise life could get to be way too expensive.

  4. Blame the bed on a full moon.

  5. Ouch--not a fun list.

    We have an outdoor light that is shot. I looked at it when it was warm, decided to wait, and now I am thinking it is too cold to mess with. I wonder when procrastination becomes the label for my behavior.

  6. Real men let their flunkies carry their clubs when they golf.

    Damn...I gotta get me one of them flunkies.

  7. Sounds like our house...

    ...only it's The Wife who has all the power tools...

    ...and the know-how in using them. Me? I'm clueless. I only know how to break things.

  8. I know why the bed frame broke....she REALLY likes the new Cure JM video!

  9. Oh man, I have lived that week and it is awful. The worst part is really the golf cart...almost as if the universe can't even let you think about a relaxing moment, let alone have one!

    Happy repairs!

  10. I like how you threw in the breaking of the bed as if it were just another malfunctioning item.


    Good luck fixing all that stuff.

    Next time -- buy the skiing equipment from Canadians, not the golf gear!

  11. You men are great at breaking stuff!

    My hubby is champion at breaking bed slats. Nothing to do with rumpy pumpy though. All three times he threw himself at the bed pretty much knee first. All his weight through one pointy little appendage, and "snap".

    He's also broken three arm rests on our old sofas. There were only 4 armrests between them.

  12. Oh no! The remote! I would be lost without my remote for the living room electronics!

  13. That's a longass list! You can't even go lie down! You poor thing!

  14. The top lefthand side of my bed his currently being held up by 5 out of the 6 Harry Potter books.

  15. You got a drill as a bachelor party gift? I have no idea what to make of that.

  16. I would have blamed the kids for all of those.

  17. dude. as i write something somewhere in this held-together-by-spit-and-tape-house just ....

    yep. it just broke.

  18. If my remote control were to break, there's no way I'd write a blog post before I had it replaced or fixed. So what I'm saying is, you are a dedicated blogger, my friend.

  19. Thank goodness you didn't break a mirror. Be thankful it's just 7 days and not 7 years of breaking!!
    Still. Sucks.

  20. I bent my bed frame once.

  21. I have a leak in my roof. Today was the biggest downpour of the year (maybe of the decade) with 7 inches of rain in our area. Record day. it fell hard.

    But, still NOT as hard as you when you broke the toilet seat.

    Is it wrong of me to still laugh?

    yes...yes it is.

    My heart goes out to you on the power tool loss. That would really make me mad.

  22. You, my friend, have free reign over any and all tools in my garage! That sounds so dirty, doesn't it? Hmmm...

    But seriously, if you ever wake up one day and find yourself in Iowa and wonder "What the heck am I doing in Iowa, and why does this woman have so many drills in her garage?!" then seriously, take any and all you can grab. Then come back for more.

  23. What a great resource!

  24. Yep, when it rains, it pours. Whenever things go wrong in my house, they ALL seem to go wrong or fall apart at the same time! Very frustrating.

    That sucks the 800# helpline for your golf cart was disconnected. That's totally weird. I hope you can find a company that WILL be able to assist you!

  25. We recently had to get the direct tv remote replaced. Same room - with all of my smut on DVR. Intervention. The Real World. Jersey Shore. I was devastated.

  26. If you're going to break the slats on your bed...couldn't you at least do it the old fashioned way??

    (I was hoping someone was gettin' some...)

  27. Are you having munchausen by proxy on your Stuff? I almost said things and I didn't want to confuse me.

  28. That's an extraordinary run of bad luck. Mercury must be retrograde (was it the Cosmic Muffin who used to say that?)

  29. You broke your garage door? Good now I can put the blame on you for the fact that mine broke this week as well.



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